Your Very FIRST OFFENCE in the Andrew.

Remember mine well.
Was the first run ashore at Raleigh after about two or three weeks.
Could I drink? Course I could, I was Jack me fuckin dohby bucket, or at least that's what I told the older lads who were in the class.
So down to Torpoint into the Angel and a pint.
Over the water and into the strip.
I have no recollection of returning to Raleigh as I had Cinderella leave and the only thing I do remember was vomiting just before entering the gates.
I was then ordered to stop eating my pie and chips and salute as I came on-board. This I did by the simple expedient of shoving my chip paper up the business end of a cannon and giving the salute my best shot.
It was being awoke at 0600 by a big hairy regulator that suggested all might not be well.
It wasn't and they gave me 7 days nines and I had to clean that fuckin cannon about 20,000 times.
I lived a blessed life in the Mob only got court 3 times and except for a £150 fine got of fairly lightly, I think my skipper who gave me second badge got it right, he called the badges of undetected crime as he had never met a totally innocent sailor in his life, just about sums it up.


Lantern Swinger
My first offense happened late in my career.
Was at Sultan on POMEM Hull course.
One afternoon hot footed it down to Hasler for a 'social' game of cricket. This involves drinking on the pitch. So there I am as wicket keeper with my pint safely behind the bales. Having a jolly nice time when a RN Provost wagon pulls up. We can see the LWren reg talking to the lads on the boundary. They are pointing in my direction. Up she trotts.
'Are you Petty officer Ranner' yes says I. Do you know your Duty Senior rate and you failed to attend the duty watch muster? 'Sorry darlin, not a clue'
I had failed to check the roster. These bastards had been looking for me all day.
She was nice and game me a ride back to Sultan.
Then tried to troop me for being absent from place of duty and failure to attend.
The Joss was a good egg and at the table reminded the commander that since I was on MOD establishment property I was not technically absent from place of duty. :)
Slap on the wrist for failure to attend 3 days stoppage of leave.
Had to lash the joss up in the mess.
Didn't get in the shit again :)


War Hero
HMS Southampton, 1983, topped-up the WEM's mess with a ton or two of fresh oggin. Whinging buggers, no sense of humour. Told 'em it was a diving aptitude test.

Got "admonished".
Three minutes adrift, three fucking minutes!!!!!!

For us Junior ranks, leave expired 15 minutes before duty started.

Strong wind on causeway Portland. Watch Chief hoots horn passing me in his car, I'm cycling like a madman and he waves a friendly wave. Gets to work and into my ovvies ready to throw spanners at the Wessex. Reggies runner grabs me and tells me I am being trooped!!!


Watch chief, may he forever be coated in honey and fed to red ants! did me for turning to at 0748!! I was in the hanger working at 0755. Five minutes before turn to!

Two days stoppage of leave and days pay. That wasn't the hurtful bit. The wanker then apologised saying he thought I would just get a bollocking!!! Naive pratt. Jimmies didn't hand out bollockings in them thar early days. (Early days for me anyway).


Lantern Swinger
63 ,Jekyl and Hyde PO, you remember the type, nice as pie before dinner, absolute arsehole after he'd had his tot +. Gave me and my oppo permission to go to hands to bathe. Couldn't remember he had done so and trooped us both for absent from Place of duty. Last I heard he is living on the Streets in Belfast. Good enough.


War Hero
Three minutes adrift,
Reminds me of being on Boxer, mid 80's on a visit to Allicante.

Took a trip to Benidorm on a Saturday night, missed the last train. Fortunately a Lazy Sunday but still technically an hour and a half adrift in the morning, even though leave was piped at 09:00. Thought I'd manage to blag it, but as I passed the bows, walking on the jetty toward the blunt bit & the gangway, the MEO is on the foc'sle. "You're adrift aren't you, LMEM Ninja?" He bawled.

"Erm, technically" I replied.

"Well run then"

Yeah, right. A 50 yard dash is going to smash the space/time continuum by 90 minutes.
I remember a mass trooping on the Aurora.
During the 67 69 commish.
The Jack stay parted and put our Pilot in the oggin between us and Tide Spring.
They were screaming for the inhaul out haul to be cut and only two seamen on the focsul had a knife on them.
You never saw any fucker including me without a rigginset strapped on after that.
The bloke who cut it was a tas lad Brigham Young and he tried to auction the riggin knife afterwards as the "life saver".
We all got a weeks nines.


Lantern Swinger
My first trooping was as BM on the Androm in 88. The QM myself and the UDS all had scran on the upper scupper in those lovely trays that someone at some point thought were a top idea! As I went off watch the QM handed me them and the scran spanners and said "ditch these" and as I was a sprog who took everything literally binned them straight over the flightdeck guardrail to port into Pompey harbour. I had only just got down the mess and got piped to the reg office and the killick Reg(who will remain nameless but was a proper snake with ginger hair!) INTERVIEWED me and said i was in the RATTLE! The UDS(who will remain nameless but was an SA and his nickname was sting!) had rang him up and stitched me right up straight away!!! Long story short went to the Jimmys table and I was told by everyone "whatever you do DO NOT smile or laugh at the table" When the following charge was read out-missappropriation of government stores namely one fork at a cost of 14 pence, the Jimmy looked at me and smiled so I smiled back and thats where it all went mental!!!! He gave me 7 days 9s!!!! The SA lived an hour away but had to live RA for a bit cos not only were the dabbers going to kill him for being a white rat but the S&S mess were not happy either!!!
1993 it Cost me my hook two badges and sent me over the wall for 60 days. That was the easy part. Explaining to the GF why I wouldn't be able to marry her on August Bank Holiday because i'd be in DQ's was the hard part.
I managed to dodge being trooped for the first 8 years until the fateful day I was duty Killick down the boat which coincided with being the day before we sailed.It was established practice that the inboard mess in Dolphin would be cleaned up before sailing by those using it before going down the boat to take the boat to sea.I was also Killick of the inboard mess and when not required down the boat on duty made sure the cleaning up took I was absent on duty no-one including a couple of other Killicks saw fit to take over.Off we go to sea and in less than 24 hours I'm hauled up before the Jimmy to explain why the inboard mess was a shithole after a snotty signal from Dolphin. I got trooped even though I was in no position to do what I was being trooped for not doing.After much wrangling I got 7 days stoppage of leave.It wasn't all bad news for the other Killicks as I did their duty watches on the boat the next time we were alongside.
1976 Bulwark. As it was in mothballs there was only 14 or so duty watch, 3 of us per watch (1 greenie,1 stoker,1 dabber per watch) and we had the First. Sometime during the night, a person broke into the reg office and graffitied it up to fuck with spray paint and trashed the place. The reg office was also on the rounds route but spookily no-one noticed the destroyed office. One of my watch was feeling ropey so sloped off to get his head down, this was duly omitted when myself and the other first watch watchkeeper had to make our statements about the reg office.

All was well until one of the other watchkeepers lost his bottle and explained about our guy asleep on watch and also stitched up the other watchkeepers.

Got done for falsifying statements and falsifying log sheets. As I'd lost 2 weeks leave waiting to be trooped (I was due to join Dolphin), the Commander took pity and fined me £15 (a fair whack in 1976 considering it was about 30p a pint).
1964 ish on the Eagle turned the wrong way after being paid at the pay table as I needed a haircut and thought I could escape those who never made it in their chosen branch; 7 days 9's.
1971 Antrim alongside Pompey, As cine-operator... 7days 9`s for showing a movie ( The Graduate ) down the mess when we were within a 3 mile radius of a cinema.
1964 ish on the Eagle turned the wrong way after being paid at the pay table as I needed a haircut and thought I could escape those who never made it in their chosen branch; 7 days 9's.
Not my first offence but a green rub at the pay table.
Ships book number was 26.
Out goes hand with ID card and I said 2--- 6 sir as I saluted.
"Heave" said the rabble behind me.
I laughed and looked backwards turned left and heard those spine chilling words, "Reg Office with your cap"
Charged with insolence to pay officer.
5 days 14's.
ANTRIM / Viccy Barracks early 73. We'd done a massive Far East deployment, stopping at Simonstown on the way out and again on the way back. Well, I fell for a Yarpy bird big time and decided to fly out for Christmas leave to see her, as you do. Trouble was, the flight would get me back from leave either six days early or one day late - so a no brainer then!

Trouble was, I'd told them I was going to Scotland.

So I'm at table, in January, having been on leave 'in Scotland' and I'm the colour of stained mahoganay! Managed to get away with (6s?) where you had to muster at the Reg Office at Call the Hands, lunchtime and some time in the evening - Cheers easy!

Funny thing was, there were about half a dozen of us from the ship on that plane home! Happy days!

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