Your Horoscope for this week Courtesy of "The Daily Mash"

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by slim, Mar 16, 2008.

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    Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

    Relationships look like a revolving door at present – one out, one in. But is that really an efficient use of holes? Deep down, you know it's not.

    Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

    Listen to your body – it may be trying to tell you something. Eat less beans, perhaps?

    Taurus (20 APR-20 MAY)

    Even if you’ve been down lately, today should bring a smile to your face. Don’t forget to get the pubes out of your teeth.

    Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

    You need to come out of your shell and show someone who you really are. But don’t be surprised if they run off screaming.

    Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

    There's a lot of noise going on inside your mind, and it may be a bit distracting. Why not murder someone off the televsion? Perhaps then the voices will go away for good. It's got to be worth a try.

    Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

    Your planet, Mars, has returned to last November's position, bringing cheese and pickle. Be careful with that axe, Eugenie.

    Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

    You're out of the fog of vague promises that has prevailed these past two months and into the miasma of nebulous assurances. Lucky toilet: chemical.

    Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

    It’s a great night to host a lively party at your place, or a small intimate gathering of close friends, or to just stay in on your own weeping.

    Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

    Your emotional state is pretty messy, but that doesn’t mean you should just throw up your hands and walk away. Use tissues like anyone else.

    Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

    It may feel as if you’ve got a secret twin taking care of all your boring errands or business today, but you haven’t.

    Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

    You may need to try something different around the house – like cleaning the fucking toilet for once, you lazy drunken fat bastard.

    Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

    Peering into the future? Me too. And I was here first. So fuck off. Now.
  2. Incredibly accurate - My Mrs said that onl last week

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