Your Horoscope for this week Courtesy of "The Daily Mash"

#1
YOUR ASTROLOGICAL WEEK AHEAD
WITH PSYCHIC BOB

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)


Relationships look like a revolving door at present – one out, one in. But is that really an efficient use of holes? Deep down, you know it's not.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Listen to your body – it may be trying to tell you something. Eat less beans, perhaps?


Taurus (20 APR-20 MAY)

Even if you’ve been down lately, today should bring a smile to your face. Don’t forget to get the pubes out of your teeth.


Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)

You need to come out of your shell and show someone who you really are. But don’t be surprised if they run off screaming.


Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

There's a lot of noise going on inside your mind, and it may be a bit distracting. Why not murder someone off the televsion? Perhaps then the voices will go away for good. It's got to be worth a try.


Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Your planet, Mars, has returned to last November's position, bringing cheese and pickle. Be careful with that axe, Eugenie.


Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

You're out of the fog of vague promises that has prevailed these past two months and into the miasma of nebulous assurances. Lucky toilet: chemical.


Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)


It’s a great night to host a lively party at your place, or a small intimate gathering of close friends, or to just stay in on your own weeping.


Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Your emotional state is pretty messy, but that doesn’t mean you should just throw up your hands and walk away. Use tissues like anyone else.


Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

It may feel as if you’ve got a secret twin taking care of all your boring errands or business today, but you haven’t.


Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You may need to try something different around the house – like cleaning the fucking toilet for once, you lazy drunken fat bastard.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Peering into the future? Me too. And I was here first. So fuck off. Now.
 

KATWEEZIL

Lantern Swinger
#2
slim said:
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

You may need to try something different around the house – like cleaning the * toilet for once, you lazy drunken fat bastard.
Incredibly accurate - My Mrs said that onl last week
 
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