Your bigest dump

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by johne, Dec 4, 2009.

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  1. Today I did my bigest dump.It reached the seat.
    So off to the kitchen to get the kitchen scissors.
    Terrible time cutting this monster into several portions.
    Flushing took many times.
    Quik wipe on the tea towel job done. 8)
  2. Class, but the potato masher is well suited for this I find.

    I don't eat mash 8O
  3. Reminds me of an urban myth about a well to do girl meeting the boyfriends parents for the first time.
    After dinner they retire to the Conservatory and the girl needs to curl one out.
    So she goes but it won't flush.

    In a bit of a flap in case the potential in-laws see it she picks it out the pan and hoy's it out of the window.
    When she returns to join the others she see's them all staring at the conservatory roof and her blind eel sliding down it..!
  4. Camerons Strongarm bitter, guaranteed dead otter every morning,will not flush but who gives a fcuk.
  5. Did it seriously reach the seat? That is some serious shitting if it did and kudos to you if it did! How was the girth? I don't even come close but a baby's arm sums it up.
  6. Cloggieland no water the turd just sits there waiting to be flushed. No chance you would need a fire hose.

    Mate visited his friend had a crap it wouldn't flush calls his friend, they grab a poker start breaking it up the females downstairs shout anything wrong, fifteen minutes later it goes.

    Remember Brian dropping his pants to have a quick one at work in the coal bunker day after a nice curry. That was great he tells us lifts up his braces hands covered in shite.

    These tales are always told at meal break! J. Penno the desert rat [five on one bayonet] that's my dinner ruined. Soft shite.
  7. If she was from Demport, I married her !! Blocked Trap 2 on every boat she went to Families Day on - a legend in her own toilet roll. :D :D
  8. I've just ate my chips backwards, a wee bit of a warning wouldn't have gone amiss mate. Tell me where to send the bill to replace the puke covered keyboard ;-)
  9. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Out in the desert during the first Gulf show was mine. After living on compo for around 6 weeks, ones bowel movements were what could only be described as alarming. One day, after having feasted on compo sausages, bacon grill, beans and rolled oats, my stomach was making growling sounds like Gentle Ben after being fiddled with by that bloke with the beard. Deciding that a full karzi unload was in order, i picked up the shovel and the comfy bum, and bimbled off to somewhere more private i.e. behind a dune that offered as much protection as a johnny with a pin prick in the end.

    Arriving in location, i did the usual checks for scorpions, snakes, spiders and scat freaks, dug a hole, dropped my combats, squatted and squeezed. My bowels didn't let me down. Imagine the worlds biggest tube of toothpaste and you are squeezing it until it's empty. That's how i felt. My precious felt like Frodo had fisted me and was stretched so wide, you could have used it for a basketball hoop.

    Around five minutes later, i cleansed my ricker and like all men, had a shufti at what i had made. Quite frankly, i was appalled. There was no way that this thing had come from my body as it was the size of a Jack Russell, and twice as fierce. If i was on a proper throne, there would be no way this thing would have flushed and even if it did, it would have been a danger to shipping. So unbelievable was my log, i had to call my three oppos from the panzer to have a shufti. I'm chuffed to say they were impressed.

    Needless to say, the turd was buried with full honours and we even fashioned a cross for it. If anyone ever dug it up thinking it was an unfortunate unknown soldier, on finding the remains they would assume he was burned to a crisp.
  10. Cherry B 75 in DED in the basin in Guzz me Duty fcuking Hand ships company living onboard but couldn't use the heads so we had this big fcuk off piss buckets in the showers for night heads. Duty Hands job to empty the fcuker before breakfast said buckets were aways toppers with piss seriously some tw*ts must have wrung there knobs out till it was fcuking brimming with the amber nectar carrying it up 2 decks to ditch the contents meant yer No8 trollies got covered in stale piss and you smelled like a dockyard tramp all day don't know why they bothered cos I just ditched the contents into the basin anyway.
    But one morning I discovered the biggest fcuking Monty Python in the bucket I got the rest of the duty watch up to check it out. we then kept watch at the sickbay for the fcuker to turn up for a bandage minus his spine.
    Senior Rates Mess RY BRITTANIA had one of the queens turds in a jar plus one of Diana' but that was really small and kept fcuking bleating all the time.
  11. Mine was after my first night out in dunfermline, invince was in re fit,and i had feasted on dockyard scran, and loads of scottish lager, finished off with a mighty battered black pudding supper with sauce, and 2 cans od irn bru, woke up in my accondation, ran to heads, and unleashed what can only be described as a monster, all curled up like a mr whippy, stunk like the pants of satans boyfriend, and was a disturbing milky brown colour!

    i even took a pic of it for prosterity!

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