Xmas dinner conversation

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by The_Jimmy, Dec 23, 2008.

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  1. A family is at the Xmas dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

    The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm ; in her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit ; after 50, they are like onions".

    "Onions?"

    "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

    This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

    The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard ; in his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

    "A Christmas tree?"

    "Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
     
  2. Father: Did you see Father Christmas this year, son?
    Son: No it was too dark to see him, but I heard what he said when he stubbed his toes on the edge of my bed.
     
  3. Im that poor I have no presents for xmas, so If I wake up xmas morning without an hard on, I will have fuck all to play with!!
     
  4. In a galaxy far far away...

    Darth Vader: "Luke, I know what you have got for Christmas"

    Luke: "No way, how could you"

    Darth Vader: "Yes, I know what you have for Christmas"

    Luke: "Never, How could you know this"

    Darth Vader: "I have felt your presents..."
     
  5. I haven't heard this one before, it's going to be hard to beat - brilliant. :)
     
  6. Mummy,is the Au Pair made of Mechano?

    Why do you ask dear?

    Because I heard Daddy telling the milkman he'd screwed the arse of it!

    Boom Boom!
     
  7. Quality, made I larf. Will be duly stolen...Cheers.

    My daghter told me one this AM

    What did the Elf teaching Santa about computers say

    "First Yule Log on..."


    :thumright:
     
  8. Xmas Day in the Vicarage: having just conducted his Xmas Service, the Vicar is standing in front of a blazing log fire, while Mrs Vicar is slaving over a hot stove, getting the dinner ready.
    His eldest son, a Vicar on leave from another parish, comes in, all smiling and happy.
    "Morning my son, Merry Xmas - did you sleep well ?"
    "Merry Xmas father, slept like a top, but I had a marvellous dream - I dreamt I was in Heaven. Father it was beautiful - peace and goodwill among all men, and happiness all round".
    "Come my son, stand on my right hand"
    The second son arrives, and lo and behold, HE's been dreaming of heaven too, and it's THE best place he's ever been too etc etc, so he's invited to stand on his father's left hand.
    Eventually, the youngest of the sons arrives - being a matelot, he's looking and feeling like death warmed up, having been on the ale till silly o'clock: doesn't know which he wants first, a crap, a fag or another drink to restore some feeling of normality to himself.
    "Morning my son, Merry Xmas - did you sleep well ?"
    "Don't shout Dad, FFS - I got a head like a robber's dog, a mouth like the inside of s hippo's bum, and I didn't get a wink of sleep, because I was having this dream about being in hell."
    "And what was hell like, my son ?"
    "Just like this bleedin' place - can't get near the fire for Holy Joes warming their arses !!"
     

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