I thought Chigo was joining up as a Junior Crusher, having secured a special visit to the Regulators Grot on Bulwark last month. Now he wants to be a bootie. Seriously worrying. Now look Chico, I suggest you consider becoming a deck hand on one of HM Submarines, preferably one that hasn't gone missing. If you're lucky you'll become Captain of the Heads (if Nutty lets you, that is - this hereditary title has been accorded to the head of the Heads for many generations, you so may need to get your heads together to work out a compromise - and pay Nutty the royalties due).
Now to continue the ghost written autobiography of Chico...
Chicogiz: Life in a Blue Suit - Memoirs of a Junior Rum Rationer
Preface
Sixty Years ago, back in 2007, I took the bold step of dispensing with my civvies (jeans, t-shirt and trainers), letting go of mummy's hand and entered the big wide world of hyperspace. Donning a blue suit, heavy, hard, shiny pusser boots and a flat topped lid, I joined HMS Rum Ration for my Pre-Nozzer introductory training under the wing of Sgtpepperband, a kindly Crusher with a glint in his (glass) eye. It was there where I debated my options. At first I thought I should be a Seaman and learn ropework, clean ship routines and whether to salute with my right arm or left, as I am left-footed, but then I fancied life beneath the oggin in a white sweater and never having to wash again. O how sick was I of mum and dad telling me to take a weekly bath and wash behind my ears. But then it dawned on me that I would spend long days underwater alone with lots of men, not the girls I lusted after, so I decided to apply to join the second best thing to the Submarine Service and become a booty. I longed to strip naked beneath the full moon with padded-mats rolled up around my arms and engage in mortal homoerotic combat with other blokes.... [Ed: shume mistake surely??!!] ...crawling in the mud and sharing a sleeping bag with Blobbs mates: the riverbank voles looking for a cosy night in.
Chapter One - Dreaming about Life in/on/beneath/berthed alongside the Drink.
I lay in my pit beneath the glowstars on the bedroom ceiling, surrounded by posters of Blobbs in his Wren Officer outfit, drooling over those sexy legs, when I suddely got the idea that I wanted to be a sailor. I logged into my dad's PC and Googled using the search terms: "Royal Navy" +sailors and was transported to a site called Rum Ration: The Official site of the Unofficial Royal Navy, and was welcomed onboard my my new Cyber Sea Dad, Sgtpepperband, who said................