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Worst pub jukebox


Lantern Swinger
Used to have a really rubbish jukebox in the local boozer before it went for re-fit and came out all themed. I thought we could start our own on RR. Only rule really is that its got to be toe curling bad.
So for starters, I give you

Honey by Bobby Goldsboro

Teddy Bear by Red Sovine

Over to you.


War Hero
Party hits by Mrs Mills on her piano !!!ARGHHHH! :puke:
Bobby Crush. We had one sick landlady :pukel:


War Hero
Theres noone quite like Grandma By the St Winifred Choir.
Hissing Sid by Captain Fucking Beaky.
Anything By West Life,Girls fact anything after 1985!!!


War Hero
This sounds more like the jukebox in hell! To that end.....

"There's No-One Quite Like Grandma"- St Winifreds school choir. I'll only spare 'em the napalm treatment for doing "every sperm is sacred" with the Pythons.

"Grandad"- Clive Dunn. Hopefully Harold Shipman was his GP......

"Everything I do"- Bryan Adams. The wankest wedding song ever.I dont mind Bryan, he has some other good songs, but this turns me into a serial killer.

"Love is all around"- Wet wet wet. Challenges the above for wedding wankiness. If you got married and the DJ played this as "your song" you'd stab him. If someone were to stick £1 in the jukey and fingers hovered toward this one you would be well within your rights to glass them.

"Its raining men"-The weathergirls. Cleared more dancefloors than the blue peter theme. If you see a man dancing to this, he is high or brain damaged.

"My heart will go on"- Celine Dion. Alright, basically anything by the quebecois witch. If I had a time machine and one bullet, Hitler is safe, Pol pot needn't worry, even George W Bush is laughing kitbags. That bitch is as good as dead. Flux capacitor my arse.

For other stab your ears with knitting needles type songs, see;
Long haired lover from Liverpool Jimmy Osmond

Anything by Bonny Langford

Johnny Reggae cant remember the group (1970)

Hi Ho Silver Lining ??????


Renee & Renato............"Save your f***ing Love"
Terry Wogan................"The f***ing Floral Dance"
David Soul (ex Starsky&Hutch)........Everything he ever did
Tiny for David Soul
The Theme song from "The Snowman" by that screeching former Choirboy with no bollocks.
The Wurzels bastard "Combine-Harvester"
Owt by "Kid Creole & the Coconuts"
Rolf Harris murdering Led Zeps "Stairway to Heaven"
Joe Dolce....."Shaddup you Face"
Dame Vera Lynn sings cover versions of the best of Hawkwind

etc :afro:


War Hero
>Terry Wogan................"The f***ing Floral Dance"
I remember people wandering about like "Blott on the landscape" trying to pharump along to it. Im sure Wogan made a chuffing mint from it too.

>The Theme song from "The Snowman" by that screeching former Choirboy with no bollocks.
Peter Auty actually sang the version in the cartoon "The Snowman", but I think you mean Aled Jones "Walking in the air". Dodgy jumpers and crap hair. His balls dropped (at sixteen!!) and now he has two kids (well, his mrs does...:muhaha: ) Now he's released a version with him singing in baritone with his old self. Like the creepy older brother of Charlotte Church or something. He's from Anglesey which explains a lot. Part time Amen wallah on songs of praise, Im sure Thora would approve.

>The Wurzels bastard "Combine-Harvester"
"I'll give you the key", and I'll give you an axe in your head you sheep fondling weirdo. 'Kin Zoider drinkers.....

>Owt by "Kid Creole & the Coconuts"
"Annie, Im not your daddy", the DNA test results beg to differ Mr Creole.

>Rolf Harris murdering Led Zeps "Stairway to Heaven"
Can you tell what it is yet? I'll tie your c***ing kangaroo down alright, Rolf.
I bet stylophones go for a mint on ebay these days.

>Joe Dolce....."Shaddup you Face"
"Whats a matta you". Ill tell you whats the matter, I cant go back in time and erase you from reality. Claims to be "Italian" but he's from Ohio.


Lets put "Merry Christmas Everybody", on the Jukebox - so we can listen to it EVERY TWATTING DAY OF THE YEAR
.......(everytime I hear it in TESCOS/ASDA/etc over the *festive* period, it makes me want to run around the
hyper-mega-supermarket like a heavily armed American College student) :rambo:

Aren't they all DEAD yet?
Click here -


War Hero
Bigbad, I think the only thing worse than that song is all the crazed old slappers down the pub on Christmas eve who think that sodding song gives them the right to try and lip lock you with their halitosis hole and face like a welders bench, since their makeup gun was set to "whore" you end up looking like Krusty the clown after one of them catches you unawares.
But if you hear "misteltoe and wine" come on, leggit as they will klingon to you like a limpet for the whole song, dry humping you against the bar, despite your mates attempts to unseat them with a pry bar and a blowtorch.


Please include some tunes from the "Big Fat Kebab Scoffer"



War Hero
bigbaddog said:
Lets put "Merry Christmas Everybody", on the Jukebox - so we can listen to it EVERY TWATTING DAY OF THE YEAR
.......(everytime I hear it in TESCOS/ASDA/etc over the *festive* period, it makes me want to run around the
hyper-mega-supermarket like a heavily armed American College student) :rambo:

Aren't they all DEAD yet?
Click here -
Saw em in July 197***ish in St Austel they played it 3 times , we were sweating our knackers of!!! ^_^; ^_^;
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