woman kisses frog??!!

#1
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her
‘’If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes"
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said
"Thank you, but I failed
To mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said
"That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her
"You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.."
The woman replied
"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said
"That will make your husband the richest man in the
world.. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said
"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his Is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered
"I'd like a mild heart attack…."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you…

Stop here and continue feeling good…



Male readers: Please scroll down…



> .

> .

> .



The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife...(dumb ass!!)



Moral of the story:



Women think they're really smart….



Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
#4
Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her
> limo.Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time,
the
> limo hit the cow.
>
> Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright.
>
> 'Is it alright?' asked Victoria Beckham.
>
> The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No
ma'am,
> it's
> dead.'
>
> 'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!'
>
> So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he
came
> back holding a bottle of wine,
>
> his clothes scruffy and messed up.
>
> 'Oh my god, what happened to you?' Victoria exclaimed.
>
> 'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle
of
> wine,
> the farmer's wife gave a kiss
>
> and their daughter made love to me.'
>
> 'Just what the hell did you say to them?'
>
> 'I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow.'
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
#8
Cowboy: "That your dog?"

Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me
down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the
weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie.
 

Sparrowhawk01

Lantern Swinger
#9
isn't modern medicine wonderful, lung transplants and all!
but whats the worst thing about a lung transplants?
the first lot of phlem you cough up isn't yours!!!
 
#10
Sparrowhawk01 said:
isn't modern medicine wonderful, lung transplants and all!
but whats the worst thing about a lung transplants?
the first lot of phlem you cough up isn't yours!!!
Good job they dont do toggle and two transplants!
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
#11
Molly, the Camel

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Iraqi desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we > have Molly the Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about > "urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy
with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting
a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his
pants > down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where
the girls are."
 

Darbi

Midshipman
#12
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn’t help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you.â€

“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.†The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.â€

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.â€

“Well, all rightâ€, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… “
 
#13
A firefighter is working on his fire engine out side the fire station when he notices a little girl riding down the pavement in a little red fire engine with little ladders mounted on top and a garden hose coiled on top.
The girl is wearing a firemans helmet, the engine is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walks out to take a closer look.

" Thats a nice fire engine" he says admiringly.
"Thanks Mr Fireman" the girl replys.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the fire engine to the dogs collar and to the cat`s testicles.

" Little girl" the fireman says " I don`t want to tell you how to run your engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat`s collar I think you could go faster!"

The little girl replies sweetly "You`re probably right, but then I wouldn`t have a siren!!
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
#14
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
...But she didn't wear that one often.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
1 0,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
forgot her pill,
and now they have a son.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
#15
The Dog



A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long
black
hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind
the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in
single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
walking
in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when
the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue."
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
#16
If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."


This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."


I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."


I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave
me a Volkswagen with no driver.



Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU ! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'



I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"



My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.



The recruitment consultan asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."



I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."



I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me
I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
#17
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I 've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the
worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things
up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and
skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns
inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator
leaks or my exhaust backfires
 

janner

MIA
Book Reviewer
#18
The wife came home early and found her husband
in their bedroom, making love to a very attractive young woman.



In addition, was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!'

She cried. 'How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife?

The mother of your children? I am leaving you.

I want a divorce straight away!'



And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love,

so at least, I can tell you what happened.'



'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,

'But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'



And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car

to drive home and this young lady here, asked me for a lift.



She looked so down and out and defenseless that

I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.



She told me that she had not eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up

the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you would not eat because you are afraid you will put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.



Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested a shower,

and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.



Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans

that you have had for a few years, but do not use because

you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear

that was your anniversary present, which you do not use

because I do not have good taste. I found the sexy blouse

my sister gave you for Christmas that you do not use

just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots

you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use

because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued –

'She was so grateful for my understanding and help

and as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears

in her eyes and said, 'Please....



Do you have anything else

that your wife does not use?
 
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