Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by dyst0piate, Jan 25, 2011.

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  1. Do you learn wit when you start training or is it a prerequisite, 'cos I am crap at it?
  2. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    My understanding is that it isn't on the curriculum at BRNC & the passmark at Raleigh was only 50%.
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2011
  3. Instructors love witty repartee from Recruits/Young Officers/Officer Cadets etc, after all they've only had Messdeck banter to amuse them so far in their careers. The comedy stylings of spotty 18-21 year olds will, I'm sure, come as a welcome relief from 'sophistocated' pranks such as the long weight, glass hammer and tartan paint et al.
    I recommend that you study such comedy geniuses as Jimmy Carr or the late great Jimmy Tarbuck (Fingers crossed.) and then slip in the odd one liner on day one, week one and build up to a full half hour stand up by Pass Out.
    Make sure your fellow Recruits/YOs/OCs are within earshot so that they can enjoy your hillarios routine as well and the snappy comeback of your stooge.
  4. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    From experience, Instructors love it when you agree with them. Example;

    Instructor - "You. Thing. Did you sleep in your fucking kit? It's got more creases in it than Bruce Forsyths face"

    Thing - "I did as it goes"

    Instructor - "Good lad. Take tomorrow off. I love a bit of wit and banter"
  5. If you are struggling to be witty, try sarcasm, and work up from there.

    When I was about 14, a school teacher replied to one of my one-liners with one of the most excellent and hitherto unheard of ripostes "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!" I replied with a cheery "Thankyou!" accompanied with a beaming smile. This elicited a query from her as to why I was thanking her "You just said I was witty!" I said. Cue laughter from the rest of the class, who hated her more than they hated me.
  6. How I laughed after this experience on my first defensive position exercise...
    Cpl Ev#[email protected]#n approaches my dog leg gun trench in which I'm stood peering out over the Devonshire countryside awaiting the Russsian hoardes or the Troop behind mine in Training to attack, both were highly unlikely on a brilliant sunny afternoon.
    He kneels in front of me and asks "How you doing?' No alarm bells on my part (Dumbarse see.).
    "Alright thanks Cpl." says me.
    He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an aerosol can and gives me a blast in the face. It was here that my short career in Military comedy began.
    "I don't smell that bad do I?' quips Rct Me.
    "Get your fuggin' respirator on you daft cnut." he replies stowing the can of CS gas and sauntering off stage left.
    I laughed so hard I was crying for hours.
  7. Magda

    Magda War Hero Book Reviewer

    If I might chip in here - perhaps you could offer an (free, of course) online "Wit Workshop" for all us Noobees, so that we are mentally prepared for life in the Senior Service.

    It's not like we don't expect you to hold our hand and lead us through the entire application process from the moment the TV advert catches our eye in the ad break during Jeremy Kyle to the proud moment you cut the apron strings and push us gently off to BRNC/Raleigh carrying an ironing board. This would just be an extra part of your many duties...
  8. Ageing_Gracefully

    Ageing_Gracefully War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Just hand in your brain at the gate when you first arrive. You wont be needing it until you finally hand your kit in again! :)
  9. Ah yes. During a lecture on dress and discipline Colours G was wittering on something about the male part of the belt buckle should be on the right (cant remember which side offhand) I then prove and ask which one the male buckle is.


    It got better from there on and I can safely say that my place in the old time music hall has been secured!!!
  10. You just can't teach this...
  11. I beg to differ.....
    M'lud I enter the following into evidence for your consideration, on the 23/1/2011 at 20.30 hours the defendant posted this effort
    of tardwittery

    Thanks for this SJRM, it's invaluable! Would you be able to clarify a couple of the acronyms though (stoopid question alert)? What does the (M) stand for in ILOC(M), and what does DD/FF stand for? I would have thought, taking a stab in the dark, that (M) stands for Maritime?

    On a more positive note the rest of the MLAs make complete sense
    Thanks in advance,


    Guilty, send her down.
  12. Magda

    Magda War Hero Book Reviewer

    M'lud, if the defendant might plead her case to the court... The aforementioned question was asked in earnest after a good deal of time spent attempting to find an answer which would be comprehensive enough to suit the board at her upcoming AIB. "Tardwittery", whatever that might be, was furthest from the defendant's mind when the question was asked. As explained by an earlier question in which the defendant admitted lack of knowledge of the training Logistic Officers undertake, despite having asked at her local AFCO, trawled the internet, and checked every source she could think of to discover the information for herself without having to undergo the ignominy of asking a bunch of complete strangers on a forum. The response was mildly sympathetic to the majority of those in a similar situation. The defendant appeals for leniency from the court when they pass judgement...
    Is double-checking facts now also a crime? :-/
  13. Magda

    Magda War Hero Book Reviewer

    Ps. I was actually thanking you for putting up with us "tardwitterers" in a round about way :) consider yourself thanked NZ, not that I think you'll care either way...
  14. I must ask that the defendant establish her bone fides for pleading in this or any other Court by providing phots of herself in wig and barristers gown and little else.

    For a Potential Naval Officer to not understand professional jargon, abbreviations and acronyms is a glaring admission of potential professional misconduct and therefore this section of the appeal is denied.
    As ignorance is no defence in the eyes of the Law this section of the appeal is also denied. For the elucidation of the defendant, Tardwittery is a combination of retard and wit with an 'ery' added on meaning the person refered to is lacking in wit, nous and common dog to the nth degree.

    That the defendant seeks to blame others for her own shortcomings in researching her potential future career is the most damning evidence of guilt that this Court has ever seen.
    For shame potential Ma'am for shame.
    You have but one option.....
    the Mess Webley awaits.
  15. Care, of course I care. I'm going to win MOD of the Year this time or die trying.
    I think, perhaps due to my not using LOL or humourous avatars, that you've missed the 'humour' in my post.
    My bad innit.:slow:
  16. Never mind this bollocks, do you have big tits and a half decent looking chevy chase are the questions everyone wants to know?? :-D:slow:

    Standards are slipping gentlemen!!
  17. As ever Royal can always be relied upon to get to the nub of the matter.
    Here's a phot to tide you over until Magda delivers the 'goods'.
  18. Magda

    Magda War Hero Book Reviewer

    In little else? Sounds chilly, these courts of justice tend to be freezing. And how do you know I'm not a mong? I could scar you for life.

    I missed the part where I blamed others for being unable to find the required information. I'd have happily not asked at all, if I had been able to find what I was after. Can you, in your omniscient Moderator greatness, point me towards an official RN source which outlines a Logistic Officer's training, post BRNC?

    Tut, if you're going to speak "Chav" at least add "man" to the end of "innit". That's what all the best Chavs do. LOL.

    Hang on, I thought LOL meant Lots Of Love?

    Aw, NZ, you definitely get my vote for MOD of the year. Your acerbity, your candour... the fact you said LOL to me. The avatar. It all adds up.
  19. Nice. I'll see your fruity individual in mock barrister atire and raise you with the link provided.

    Erotic Clothing UK Sexy Nurses Uniform

    Watch and learn kids this is called banter/wit.

    P.S sorry NZer couldnt be arsed to work out getting it on screen but some good wank material for you for one of your speshul moments alone!!! ;-)
  20. Kinell mate she just flamed you. Get your arse back in the books and learn some bigger words.


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