Winter fuel allowance

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by janner, Jan 15, 2013.

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  1. janner

    janner War Hero Book Reviewer

    About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

    Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
    A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

    Q. Where will the government get this money ?
    A. From taxpayers.

    Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
    A. Only a smidgen of it.

    Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
    A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

    Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
    A. Shut up.

    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

    * If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka

    * If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

    * If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

    * If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala

    * If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

    * If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

    * If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

    Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
    1. Spending it at car boot sales
    2. Going to night clubs
    3. Spending it on prostitutes
    4. Buying beer or whisky
    5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
    6. Visiting a bookie
    (These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

    Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

    No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.
    • Like Like x 2
  2. About a month or more out of date Jan, not had any cold weather payments as yet though. lol

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