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Wigan Earthquake Appeal - Please Help.

NotmeChief

Banned
An earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter scale hit Wigan in the early hours of Wednesday. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fooockinell". The tremor decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Wigan FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Wigan. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
*** Wigan FM Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, " Wigan " said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"
 

fly_past

Lantern Swinger
I notice Pakistan have not donated anything to the earthquake casue. Well, next time an earthquake hits them ... then sod 'em too!

***just joking before you get on yer high horse!***
 
It's tragic. All these poor people and the government are doing bugger all to provide for them. How about offering shelter in one of the many empty rooms of Buckingham Palace, Balmoral or the Castle of Mey, where our kindly and dear Queen could do her bit, obviously funded out of her housekeeping money granted annually by Parliament to the tune of some £10,000,000, and hand out china cups of hot tea and dainty ham and cheese sandwiches, negative crusts for the refugees.

Perhaps it's a good time to withdraw our troops and matelots from Iraq and Afganistan so that appropriate military assistance can be provided to the denizens of Wigan, and try to locate that Pier! The airmen can stay sunbathing on the hot sands and constructing sand castles, for a bit of fun... Cornet "Ice Cream" Windsor could help round up the looters and shoot them, whilst Tony Blair could go round reassuring our servicepersons that they have received equipment even though they cannot see it - because, of course, like H.C.Andersen's nudist king, seeing the non-existent is a sign of refinement and political acumen! :roll:
 

Capn_Pugwash

War Hero
Presuambly the tide was out at the Pier, or we would have had reports of a Tsunami.

Royal would have been able to drive his Rigid Raider right up to the doors of Maxines Nightclub, or would they have gone for Jumping Jacks first!!!!!!!
 
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