Where's the humour??

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by skyvet, Jan 19, 2008.

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  1. What's happened to all the jokes? The last one posted was on December 13th (by me!)
    Come on lads and lasses - we could all do with a laugh!
     
  2. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Feck off - we're all too busy slagging eah other off... :evil: :lol:

    Oh well, here's some for today:

    ===========

    Long but worth while

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

    I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"

    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

    When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

    After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

    When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up.

    I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a Cunt!" It always cheered me up.

    When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said," Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Programme?"

    He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"

    One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

    A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.

    I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

    "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

    "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a C*nt!"

    Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

    Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.

    "Hello?"

    "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.

    "Yeah," I said.

    "Stop calling me," he screamed.

    "Make me," I said.

    "Who are you?" he asked.

    "My name is Steve Hansen."

    "Yeah? Where do you live?"

    "I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.

    Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said.

    "Hello, C*nt," I said.

    He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    "You'll do what?" I said.

    "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

    "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

    Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.

    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street . I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

    Now I feel MUCH better.

    ===========

    ::. ..: :::. :.....: :::. : : ..... :.:.: :.:... ::..:: :: :.::..: :::...::: :: :.. ::.:
    ::.. ... . :: :::... :.:.:.:. :: ... :...:. :: . :: ..:


    Lots of love
    Stevie Wonder

    ===========

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
    The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

    The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

    The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

    The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

    The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

    'Only when he's been drinking.'

    ===========

    How do you know when a Barbie has her period?

    All your tic tacs are gone.

    ===========

    Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

    While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

    When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

    The father replies, "I don't want them f*cking your mother after I'm gone!"

    ===========

    When are a mother-in-law and a beer both at their best?

    When they're cold,on a table and opened up.

    ===========

    Q: How do you tell the difference between a rectal thermometer & an oral thermometer?

    A: The taste

    ===========

    What does a ginger miss most about parties?

    The invitation.

    ===========

    Swearing at Work


    Dear Employees:

    It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

    Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

    Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

    1.
    Try Saying:
    I think you could do with more training
    Instead Of:
    You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

    2.
    Try Saying:
    She's an aggressive go-getter.
    Instead Of:
    She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

    3.
    Try Saying:
    Perhaps I can work late
    Instead Of:
    And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

    4.
    Try Saying:
    I'm certain that isn't feasible
    Instead Of:
    F*** off a*se-wipe

    5.
    Try Saying:
    Really?
    Instead Of:
    Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

    6.
    Try Saying:
    Perhaps you should check with...
    Instead Of:
    Tell someone who gives a f***.

    7.
    Try Saying:
    I wasn't involved in the project.
    Instead Of:
    Not my f***ing problem, mate.

    8.
    Try Saying:
    That's interesting.
    Instead Of:
    What the f***?

    9.
    Try Saying:
    I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
    Instead Of:
    No f***ing chance mate.

    10.
    Try Saying:
    It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
    Instead Of:
    Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

    11.
    Try Saying:
    He's not familiar with the issues
    Instead Of:
    He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

    12.
    Try Saying:
    Excuse me, sir?
    Instead Of:
    Oi, f*** face.

    13.
    Try Saying:
    Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
    Instead Of:
    Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

    ===========
     
  3. A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

    'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

    She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.'

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your
    business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded.’ I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

    'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

    'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

    Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said. 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

    'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'
     
  4. My aunt got struck by lightning on a golf course. Just between the first and second holes.

    =)
     
  5. Must be something to do with her stance
     
  6. A bloke goes to the dick clinic.....

    After a quick inspection and a few tests the doc says 'Its bad news you have absolutely everything - syphillis, gonnoreha, chlamydia, NSU and genital warts'

    'What can you do for me?' asks the guy

    'Well....' says the doctor scratching his chin ' I think we'll start you on Ryvita and cheese slices'

    'Why will that cure me?'

    'No' says the doc 'Its all we can fit under the f**king door!'
     
  7. Ive just bought a racehorse ,
    Its called "My Face" ,
    I'm going to race it at Ascot ,
    It wont win ,
    I just want to hear all the posh woman shout ,
    " Come On My Face "
     
  8. She should correct her stance.
     
  9. Oops, you beat me to it.
     
  10. Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

    A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
    Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
    When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
    The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
    A bit hacked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
    The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
    The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
    Well and truly hacked off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage
    "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
    The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
    "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
     
  11. A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimp, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of
    the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's
    disgusting to watch."

    "Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well
    want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimp. Finally he
    finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.

    The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her
    knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

    "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

    At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the
    train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £200 for that!"

    To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when he police smell your fingers."
     
  12. A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

    "Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

    "But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

    "Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

    "Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

    "Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says
     
  13. A bloke goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.
    The foreman takes him round the plant and shows him all the machinery
    and offers him the job.
    "What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the man.
    "Well", says the foreman, "you have to check one in a hundred", and
    proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line,
    stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his manhood,
    then
    calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her
    knickers down and bends over. The foreman does the business and after he's
    finished he removes the Durex, stretches it, holds it up to the light again
    to
    confirm no holes.
    "Easy as that", he says.
    "When do I start?" Asks the man, unable to believe his luck.
    "Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
    Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is
    outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30. Anyway, the production
    line
    starts up and the man faithfully counts out 100 ribbed black mambo's
    (lubricated with ensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st,
    stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it
    over his manhood and calls the secretary over.

    Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to vigorously
    masturbate him. Rather startled and confused, the man just looks at the
    secretary who says...........
    "Sorry, it's company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
     

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