Where are the Walts?

In Arrse there's a whole section devoted to Walts, running to thousands of posts.
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So my question is - where are the Navy Walts? Why aren't there websites devoted to poeple dressing up in 8's, expounding on the Mk23 Paint Chipper (far superior to the Mk 21, of course) and re-enacting legendary runs ashore by drinking half a shandy and touching up Ten Ton Tessa from Accounts? Where are the submariner Walts - dressing in "genuine submariner jersey - got it off a bloke who knew a bloke who saw a boat in Plymouth Sound " and sitting in a homemade can in someone's garden with 4 weeks of old socks and a bucket full of deisel to get the "authentic" smell? The WW2 Walts wearing duffel coats and drinking hot chocolate "made by mum - you can't get the original, you know?" The WAFU Walts - lying in bed till 1000 then getting up and pulling Ten Ton Tessa by showing off their wings?

 

I can give you a couple, but it's not very common.

1. Bloke my wife knows is a serial impersonator. Has managed to get himself into Wardrooms at Sultan and Collingwood. Sad case, tried to get into the Paras, failed, and his best mates went South and stayed there. Has been taken to court (trying to gain pecuniary advantage) and banned from military establishments. Doesn't live in this area now.

2. MEM on the Newcastle, told his g/f he was Special Forces, got married in a LT uniform. Delusional, sadly. Was taken off as we went through the Suez for borrowing/stealing money, etc. When he came back the contents of his locker had changed into Suez gizzits and he had no kit left. Wonder how that happened?

3. Whilst at St Vincent in Kensington was delivered a RM from "42 Cdo Z Coy" in full blues. D&D in a bar trying to blag free drinks. Sounded wrong, so after a fairly quick shouting session he coughed to being an impersonator. Took the uniform off him, gave him a rape kit outfit (white and lacking in fashion) and handed him back to the Kensington police.

4. Had two occasions of undertakers phoning and asking how they went about arranging State funerals for Admirals! After a fairly quick investigation, they were never even in the RN, but had lived a complete Walt life. Advised the undertaker to nip out and buy an ensign and put it on the coffin. Either that or explain to the bereaved families that Grandad was a Walt....

5. On my honeymoon in Guernsey, sat and listened to a Walt/prat explain to these girls how he was given "bullet polishing" duties on a ship, how he was almost SF, etc, etc. What he had failed to realise was that the bar had a higher than average amount of desert boots in it....he was encouraged to retract his story whilst standing on a table.

6. Whilst paintballing, have come across loads of blokes who give it the "nudge nudge wink wink" routine about their work. Which is great until they end up less than three feet from my muzzle wondering how they are going to explain that bloody great mark on their neck...the total shock when you execute a "proper organised" attack at the start of a paintball match against people who clearly have no idea what is going on is wonderful!

 

Does anybody else use the Fleet Operational Programme to decide where NOT to take their holidays? I must admit, I have been guilty on more than one occasion of binning a destination when I have seen that HMS XXX is going to be alongside at the same time...!

 

The US has a mass of SEAL Walts and a real SEAL industry (connected retirees mostly) devoted to exposing them. Easy enough to find on the net (if you really have nothing better to do).

I suppose the shortage of Navy Walts is down to the lack of public profile of the Service. I have, in rig, in a (non MoD) Government building been referred to by reception as 'a gentleman from the Fire Brigade'. This was with an appointment and ID card FFS.

The Army has a higher profile, more autobiographies, films, documentaries etc. Civvies know more about what they do and pick up the language, gear, war stories, especially the Andy MacNabisms. There I was, on ops, slottin' rag'eds, sh!ttin' in a poly bag while my oppo....A Walt's paradise.

A matelot's journal: 0330, got shake to go on watch. Fell asleep again. Arrived on watch at 0415, previous watchkeeper livid, Chief bollocks me, did rounds, lost my torch in the bilge..... Hardly the stuff of Waltdom.

 

The US Marine Corps has its share of walts as well. Go to any bar or club near a Marine base on friday night and listen to the stories. You would think every Marine was Force Recon, or a scout-sniper. Nothing more amusing, (or pathetic), than listening to a zit-faced, 18yr old supply clerk talk about stalking drug dealers or cutting commie throats! Since ol' Andy McNab isn't real big over here, they get details from Tom Clancy novels.

Here's one for you Seadog:

An aviation Marines journal: 0700, sat behind my desk, eating a donut, while listening to l/cpl Peckerhead explain that he couldn't work because he believes he is "allergic" to jet exhaust......

 

After the RNR 100 parade on Horseguards in 2003 there were lots of Jack and Jenny in all the surrounding pubs, in full rig (many had a great night in town!). Apparently, on Middie was mistaken for a bus conductor by a member of the public. You'd have thought that 1500 naval personnel in the middle of London in full rig would have attracted some media interest but, bar a couple of comments on the radio, nothing at all.

This kind of explains the lack of Navy Walts - lack of profile and it's hard to look walty in 4s!

 

In a RAF Sergeants Mess - "Would the Gentleman from the Coastguard please report to the Main Foyer" - and in full Noz 1's as well.

 

Has anyone else noticed that members of the Ops(M)/AWT branches often own more DPM kit than is strictly neccessary for the occassional day at Tipner Range?
That said, give Jack any excuse to mince around in CS95 and he'll soon be indulging in his inner Andy McNabb!

 

Or it could be to do with the fact that anything and everything is pinched onboard! Boarding team wise that is!

 

COMUKTG down the Gulf couldn't get their Desert kit on fast enough - despite most of them still wearing Pusser's sandals, refusing to carry battle bags, etc, and never actually setting foot ashore. Pity they brought their egos with them as well, most jumped up bunch of ********* it has ever been my misfortune to carry into a battle zone. Worst were the loggies - the biggest, fattest WOSA I have ever seen that had trouble getting down the Burma Way (bearing in mind this was the Ark....!) and some real prima donna Stores and Writer faggots who were only there to pick up the postcards. Made me embarassed to be in the same branch, to be honest, and I would have loved to have listened to some of their war stories.....

 

the biggest, fattest WOSA - mmm, wonder who that could be??
PERSEC stops me surmising further.

I can remember the Jack Dusties at Jebel Ali in the early 90's before I went outside, all parading round in Pretty Desert kit, and no more than glorified Posties.

 

And why does Jack feel the need to dress up as a tree (or desert equivilent) anyway. Don't we have a perfectly acceptable uniform of our own!! Okay, so sometimes we look like car park attendants...........

 

Why feel the need to dress up as a desert tree on board a ship? Can't be anything more than walting ego-massagers - most of them would shit bricks the size of camels if they ever had to step ashore into an area that hadn't been sanitised for them first.

 

You are obviousy refering to the Baby Tiffs at Raleigh.

 

Amazing how they got all brand new kit and those of us who actually needed it were given rubbish. I got new as I collected it from Nelson but the lads in my Det who had it posted to them at Guzz, VL and CU got second hand clothing. Our CBA was a joke, temperate DPM without the chest/back plates, but there were phots of UDS on ships with the proper desert stuff.

To quote my CO (Brigadier Bootneck) when I arrived in theatre "Ah I see Naval stores are up to their usual standard"

Don't get me wrong, I quite like to get into the combats occasionally, but I made sure I kept my RN identity with a large white ensign courtesy of the WAFUs proudly displayed on my sleeve!

You've only got to look at Northwood for a laugh - if you're driving a desk in a 'Joint' billet then you're in CS95

 

Wearing DPM "in theatre" is justified. I,m referring to the sort of bloke who wears it in the mess shoreside. For some reason a lot of the waffoos at Sultan feel the need to do this.Or the bloke digs it out of the loft for a range day!

 

It's just soooo sad to see these people in CS. The sort of people who drive 4x4s and the furthest offroad they go is mounting the pavement outside the newsagent in the morning.

When we acquired lots of CS95 for the Foot and Mouth shambles, it was embarassing that we had more than the Blues and Royals who were deployed with us. The only bonus we got was that we declared it all "contaminated and destroyed" and handed it over to them!

DPM in theatre is fine but only if you really need to be wearing it, the TG tossers seemed to think it meant that they didn't need to carry battle bags - and they wore Pusser's sandals at the same time! Most of the log support for that lot were worse than the civvy film crews on board - and they nonced around in nylon cardigans! When it came to the actual day of the races, most of the TG lot would't even put anti-flash on. Most unprofessional bunch of barrack queens I have seen in 21 years.

 

As far as DPM goes, I could never understand why they put the ships securty QM,BM etc. in DPM, against the grey or white background of the ships they just stood out more. And the average matelot just looked like a bag of crap in it anyway. As for Walts, years ago we were on a mixed operation with representetives from both of UKs "special needs" groups, air and sea.
One of the matelots had a tattoo of the SAS winged dagger which was usualy on proud display, but when working in this environment suddenly started rolling down his sleeves and keeping a low profile. Needles to say, he was introduced to the boss of the specials and required to give an explanation, naturaly there was a lot of blushing and farting and some mumbled excuse about it being a tribute to his grandfather who served.
Anyway, a good post exercise few crates of beer soothed his embarrasment
Anyway there was more fun to be had taking the mick out of the mid eastern SF blokes who didn't like heights or getting wet, seems the selection proccess consists of having a high namet....

 

Yup - gen dit - it was me :-( Some bloody grockle on the embankment stopped me and asked when the next bus to whocares was due.

Similar things have happened to me after Lord Mayor's Shows - though watching their faces as they realise that the 'bus conductor' has a sword is worth it

such is life...

Oddbits.

 

There was a fairly recent short TV series of documentaries about life onboard the Chatham. As the ship passed through the Suez Canal, the question of the DPM being worn by matelots carrying guns came up. Rightly or wrongly, it was explained that - because they DID stand out so clearly - they were fulfilling their role as a deterrent. Well, it did make some sense. Anyway - I don't think there's an item of uniform that's made in warship grey.