Where are the Paramedics when you need them

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by trelawney126, May 26, 2011.

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  1. You can't beat a quality job call.

    How about: 'My 13 year old daughter has started bleeding from her vagina'
    'Has this happened before madam?'
    'No, its only just started'
    'Well its going to happen every month for the next 4 or 5 decades'

    'Oh' ( Light suddenly comes on) 'Have you got any sanitary towels on your ambulance?'

    'Certainly madam, have these on us'

    You couldnt make it up.
  2. No Rod I believe it, waiting for The Rumrat to reply he too must have had some belters.
  3. Patient " I have been told by my NHS nurse (on the phone) that it sounds like I have Andrographis Paniculata" )." I want to know if its terminal, and is it catching"?
    "Did the nurse not explain what it was you were actually suffering with"?
    "Well I panicked and hung up"
    "Why did you phone for an ambulance"?
    "Well my husband said he didn't want the kids to get it".

    Why the nurse had told her the 99p name for her condition I know not, but Andrographis Paniculata is the posh name for the shits, or for those living in houses in the top band for council tax,.... diarrhea.
    Now the confession, whilst she was talking to me my mate was on the radio finding out what it meant, and then came in and whispered to me.

    For weeks our driver kept telling us we gave him the AP's.
  7. Out of hours caller: Hello I wonder if you can help me. I've taken what some would call an old wives advice.
    Call taker (Moi) What would that be madam?
    Caller; Well, I have thrush and someone said using garlic clears it up so I put some inside of me. Trouble is that the netting
    came apart and its all up there and I can't get it out.
    Moi What do you mean by all of it?
    Caller; Well the bulb of garlic comes in a net and now its stuck up inside me.
    Moi I think the advice you were meaning is to use a clove of garlic not the whole bunch.
    Caller: What shall I do, I can hardly walk?
    Moi Give me your address and we'll send an ambulance round to take you to hospital to have it removed.
    Caller Thank you , this is very embarassing, Im a solicitor...........

    It takes all sorts not just the numpties.
  9. I picked a woman up from a huge house out in the sticks wherein was a party in full swing.
    The woman had complained of prolific bleeding from her anus.
    As we were in transit to Burton Queens medical centre we asked her if there was a family member we could call to inform of her whereabouts. She replied no, but as she was wearing a wedding band my wing woman asked how about her husband.
    Not him she replied he's a right pain up the arse.
    I nearly ploughed the wagon into a tree, especially as she said bugger me he'd have a fit if he knew where you picked me up.
    Apparently it was a well known swingers venue.

    : O.....and we wonder at the consequences of the Human Rights Legal brigade being allowed to run riot ?
  11. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I never usually bother the paramedics or make 999 calls.

    When i've gone on a rampage with my Bowie knife, it would only be a waste of time to be honest.

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