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When I am Prime Minister.

G

guestm

Guest
As foreign minister I have been particularly busy:

MLP: "Who put ten pence in you bitch?

Clinton: "We would like to see Argentina and the United Kingdom sit down and resolve the issues between them across the table in a peaceful, productive way."

MLP "What the fuck does it have to do with you slut? Wind your fucking neck in or I'll slice your lips off and post them to your cunt of a husband along with a stand easy production of my fellow front benchers and I closing down your honking daughter."

Clinton: "But....."

MLP: "No buts fuckface, stow it or face the consequences."

Clinton "ok, please don't hurt us"

MLP "Now get the tea on."

Clinton "Of course".
 

2_deck_dash

War Hero
Montigny-La-Palisse said:
As foreign minister I have been particularly busy:

MLP: "Who put ten pence in you bitch?

Clinton: "We would like to see Argentina and the United Kingdom sit down and resolve the issues between them across the table in a peaceful, productive way."

MLP "What the fuck does it have to do with you slut? Wind your fucking neck in or I'll slice your lips off and post them to your cunt of a husband along with a stand easy production of my fellow front benchers and I closing down your honking daughter."

Clinton: "But....."

MLP: "No buts fuckface, stow it or face the consequences."

Clinton "ok, please don't hurt us"

MLP "Now get the tea on."

Clinton "Of course".

Good work Minister, your expert diplomacy is the reason you are Foreign Secretary.

Anyone fancy having a pop at Jordan?

Not the Country, I mean that horror bird with fake tits.
 

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
I wouldn't mind some position in this cabinet. Can i be Permanent Under Secreatary for Extreme Violence On Anyone Who Offends the PM?
 
G

guestm

Guest
Blackrat said:
I wouldn't mind some position in this cabinet. Can i be Permanent Under Secreatary for Extreme Violence On Anyone Who Offends the PM?

In the absence of our Pm, I appoint you to the above position on the basis that you are the best candidate by some distance. And the fact that you bunged me a cockload of cash and land helps too.
 

Gombear

War Hero
Montigny-La-Palisse said:
Blackrat said:
I wouldn't mind some position in this cabinet. Can i be Permanent Under Secreatary for Extreme Violence On Anyone Who Offends the PM?

In the absence of our Pm, I appoint you to the above position on the basis that you are the best candidate by some distance. And the fact that you bunged me a cockload of cash and land helps too.

He told me he only bunged you a cockload. 8O
 

2_deck_dash

War Hero
Montigny-La-Palisse said:
Blackrat said:
I wouldn't mind some position in this cabinet. Can i be Permanent Under Secreatary for Extreme Violence On Anyone Who Offends the PM?

In the absence of our Pm, I appoint you to the above position on the basis that you are the best candidate by some distance. And the fact that you bunged me a cockload of cash and land helps too.

Make it so.

Anyway, that Zuma fellow has outstayed his welcome. Be a good chap and make sure he doesn't come back any time soon.
 

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
2_deck_dash said:
Montigny-La-Palisse said:
Blackrat said:
I wouldn't mind some position in this cabinet. Can i be Permanent Under Secreatary for Extreme Violence On Anyone Who Offends the PM?

In the absence of our Pm, I appoint you to the above position on the basis that you are the best candidate by some distance. And the fact that you bunged me a cockload of cash and land helps too.

Make it so.

Anyway, that Zuma fellow has outstayed his welcome. Be a good chap and make sure he doesn't come back any time soon.

Fucking get in! Cheers chaps.

As for Zuma, i've had a word with my PA, Bermondsey Dave. Lets just say he's very, very clumsy with lump hammers when knees are in close proximity. That'll teach the fucker for giving HM a chess set for a gift instead of Zululand.
 

K640

War Hero
Can i put forward the following educational reforms?
Teachers will be given the right to smack any cnut round the head that gobs off in class or otherwise disrupts the learning environment.
Head teachers will be given the right to smack parents round the head if they complain that their illiterate mong kid is failing and refuses to take any responsibility for it.
Introduction of British Culture lessons to include History, tradition and why we're better than everyone else.
Extra PE lessons for fat kids (real PE ie running not skateboarding, dancing etc.)
Bullying of fat kids to be allowed as an insentive for them to lose some weight.
 

2_deck_dash

War Hero
K640 said:
Can i put forward the following educational reforms?
Teachers will be given the right to smack any cnut round the head that gobs off in class or otherwise disrupts the learning environment.
Head teachers will be given the right to smack parents round the head if they complain that their illiterate mong kid is failing and refuses to take any responsibility for it.
Introduction of British Culture lessons to include History, tradition and why we're better than everyone else.
Extra PE lessons for fat kids (real PE ie running not skateboarding, dancing etc.)
Bullying of fat kids to be allowed as an insentive for them to lose some weight.

I hereby appoint you education secretary.
 

pugfrom83

Lantern Swinger
Do we have a minster of Transport. I would like to see a "weekenders" lane on every motorway. Ie: The outside lane on any motorway for the use of Service Personnel only (not crabs though they get 15 year drafts so don't travel anyway), say between the hours of 1100 to 1900 on a Friday, and 1400 to 2300 on a Sunday/Bank holiday Monday. Also, special dispensation for speeding and undertaking as required on said "weekenders".
 

Darkershadeofblu

Lantern Swinger
Let me see if I understand all this...

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.


IF YOU CROSS THE U.K. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN PARLIAMENT AND IN MANY INSTANCES YOU CAN VOTE!
 
G

guestm

Guest
Darkershadeofblu said:
Let me see if I understand all this...

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.


IF YOU CROSS THE U.K. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN PARLIAMENT AND IN MANY INSTANCES YOU CAN VOTE!

Yes, but we are a litle more democratic than the countries you've listed above. Plus, we don't eat dogs, produce opium and cocaine in our gardens with the able assistance of plod or use our hands to wipe our arses.
 

nobby0919

Lantern Swinger
Dear 2DD,
Given some consideration to this, so as you being PM will undoubtedly have less freetime. Can I be Permanent Secretary in charge of Private Armouries, with an unlimited budget for ammunition.
Respectfully,
Nobby.
 

2_deck_dash

War Hero
nobby0919 said:
Dear 2DD,
Given some consideration to this, so as you being PM will undoubtedly have less freetime. Can I be Permanent Secretary in charge of Private Armouries, with an unlimited budget for ammunition.
Respectfully,
Nobby.

Absolutely Sir,

Also given your expertise, I feel it only fair that you are Transport Secretary.

I expect everyone over 16 to be riding a Brough by 2012!
 

chatsharris

Lantern Swinger
Damn, I was hoping for that gig. I would have buses taken off the road. If you're too poor to own a car, walk! :lol:

When the buses go through the crusher I'd have it filled with those kids that blare their shite music in the bus. :twisted:
 

BFC_69

MIA
Could I have a job?

Im not really much use...

My main skills involve;

Rash thoughts, words and actions.
Rage
An intent dislike of most things - mainly Chavs, Morons, bull shitters and Arsenal.

I also believe that people from certain "backgrounds" (see chavs) should be made to apply to have children. (they would be promptly turned down). If they had unlicensed children, they could be put to better use, maybe medical research? In turn the parents would be chemically neutered.
 

BFC_69

MIA
chatsharris said:
Damn, I was hoping for that gig. I would have buses taken off the road. If you're too poor to own a car, walk! :lol:

When the buses go through the crusher I'd have it filled with those kids that blare their shite music in the bus. :twisted:

A man after my own heart...

How much healthier would we all be!
 

Darkershadeofblu

Lantern Swinger
If you want a job try sorting this lot out

Subject: passport

This was actually taken from a UK
passport application
and a member of staff
copied it,
as it made her laugh all day.



Subject: Passport Application


Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V.. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.
 

witsend

MIA
Book Reviewer
:lol:

The same thing could be said for joining/leaving routines with that great system JPA. :roll:
 
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