When I am Prime Minister.

Since we are all pretty fed up with the current government and it looks almost certain that we are going to be dicked with a blue re-incarnation of New Labour sometime this year, I thought I would start planning my political career so that when the next elections come round, I will be ready to stand for PM.

So my policies:

Make trespassing a criminal rather than civil offence, result = bye bye pikey scum. They did this in Ireland and it forced all the pikeys over here.

Leave NATO and the EU. Re-strengthen our ties with the Commonwealth both economically and militarily. A global force that includes us, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Malaysia, India and Singapore would be difficult to fuck with. Priority for trade, International aid, military assistance etc. would go to fellow members. Eventually we would invade Zimbabwe and sort out the mess there as well.

Re-instate floating prisons with harsher and longer sentences for repeat offenders. A penal colony on the Falkland Islands should also be established for violent offenders. Anyone in prison will not be allowed TVs or any luxury items. You gave up your Human rights the day you committed your crime, deal with it.

Increase our Defence Budget to 5% of our GDP, we will need a big fuck off Army and Navy to maintain our stronghold in the New Commonwealth.

Review the benefits system with serial dole scroungers being forced into community service and the Armed Forces.

Abolish all Health & Safety legislation and instate core safety practices for dangerous working environments only, you do not fucking need to do a course on how to sit at a computer desk. Also if you are stupid enough to be killed through your own negligence then you deserve it. This is called natural selection, a man called Charles Darwin wrote some interesting words on it a few years back.

Disband the Fire Brigade. The Armed Forces have proved time and again that they can do your job cheaper and better than you, so stop whinging about pay you cunts. Fire Stations will be manned by Soldiers and Sailors who are between tours. It will be treated the same as any other draft or posting, this will in turn boost recruitment to the Armed Forces. Existing Fire fighters will be given the option to transfer to the Armed Forces with subsequent pay adjustments etc.

Disband the Scottish Assembly, we are one Country, get over it.



If anyone has any further questions or points they feel need raising, feel free to post them here and I will answer them in a PMQs style.

 

Where do I sign?

2BM

 

Thanks for your support 2BM, a nice Lordship will be winging it's way in the post to shortly!

 

2 D D I am in I will sign up to your party

2 D D For Prime Minister.

 

Dear Leader,
I am a bitter angry man, even more so when drunk at ease with both mental and physical cruelty. Therefore I'd like to put myself forward to run the aforementioned HM Penal Colony on the Falklands Islands. I would forward a programme of unnecessary violence towards the inmates with stylised torture (waterboarding, fingerbreaking, crucifixion, gladiator combat) as a weekly entertainment format to be replace Strictly Come Dancing on BBC1 (the international sales of which will help fund the Colony). The younger 'pretty' convicts could also be pimped to the oil workers who may man any future oilrigs in the Falklands area should oil be discovered in the region. I would require no salary from central government as I would run the Colony as a tyrant with a suitable reign of terror, running personal side projects for the convicts including slavery, organ harvesting and drug trials (which would have the added PR bonus of appeasing the hippies). I await your response.
Yours,
Angry Monkey Esq

 

What about free laboons for speshull people please

 

Immigration.

Illegal immigrants and failed asylum seekers will be ejected from the Country with immediate and if necessary forceful effect. Likewise any Asylum seeker who passed through a safe Country en-route to the UK will be returned to that Country.

The 2_Deck party is not the BNP however and immigration from Commonwealth Countries who satisfy the entry requirements are welcomed to the UK.

However entry requirements will be tightened and brought more in to line with those of Australia and Canada etc. A points system will be adopted with prospective applicants having to satisfy a number of criteria.

Any Immigrants who have not paid a minimum of £5000 Income Tax per household within 1 year of arriving will be returned to their Country of origin.

 

Done. From this day forward Angry Monkey is hereby appointed secretary for Criminal Correction.

 

laboons and I vote for you well maybe a free ice cream for me

 

Currently, under New Labour, the disability allowance is such that people with special needs can afford their own laboons therefore the 2_Deck government will not be providing any additional laboons for disabled persons at this time.

 

Dear Mr 2DD,

I have a major concern which frequently forces me to drink, i feel that there is a problem with our road users. I am finding more and more incompetent drivers who lack the skills and awareness to be considered good drivers. In fact i would go as far to say that some lack the skills to considered remotely useful to our society. I find it an outrage that nothing can be done about this under this countries current government. I would be grateful if you could inform me if you plan to make any changes to the way drivers are tested and/or approved for the roads.

Whilst putting the above point to your i would like to take this opportunity to express my approval to your above mentioned policies. In particular your Health & Safety policy. If i want to staple my tongue to my desk or insert my penis into the paper shredder at work (only a little bit, try it, it is nice) then this is a decision that i will make on my own and any injuries are my own fault. I find it unacceptable that when my colleague put tried to lick the electric fly killer he was able to claim compensation. Will there definitely be a law to state if you are a stupid enough knob head to carry out such fcuking idiotic action then this is your own fault and no-one else will take responsibility?

Finally, if your response to this is acceptable i would very much like a role in your party. What would you be able to offer me?

Yours sincerely,

JJP23

 

No mention of the Crabs, You've got my vote!!!

X

 

What are we going to call our new radical party?

Common Sense Party,

Had Enough Party,

Jacks Back Party,

Fit in work or Fcuk Off Party.

Thoughts please.

 

With immediate effect the speed limit on motorways will be increased to 85MPH, the current speed limit of 70MPH was brought in before most cars even had seatbelts! I feel our modern advances in road safety, not to mention the extent to which modern car manufacturers go to make their vehicles safer, more than justify this action.

I feel that the majority of road users who you are referring to fit into the over 60 bracket. Therefore all road users will have to take an additional driving test when they reach this age. Other users below this age, who are deemed to be unsafe will receive additional training at their own expense. If after this training, they are still deemed to lack the qualities of a safe driver, their licences will be terminated.

Thank you for you agreement with my party's health and safety policies. Currently a vacancy in the H&S enforcement division exists which I feel you may be suitable for.

Your main duties will include:

Removal of all H&S legislation posters.
Enforcing hefty fines upon any food company that has 'contents may be hot after heating' on any of their packaging.
Any other H&S work relevant to the role.

 

Who?

 

The NHS.

The NHS will carry on as usual with the following improvements:

All cosmetic surgery will cease under the NHS.

Any surgery or treatment for self inflicted injuries will no longer be free, this includes obesity, also see above policy on Health & Safety.

Immigrants to the UK will only be eligible for treatment after they have contributed a minimum of £5000 in Income Tax.

A dedicated hospital will be set up for the Armed Services and their families / dependants.

A proportion of the heavy tax received from alcohol and tobacco will be used to treat alcohol and smoking related illness / injury that is not deemed to be self inflicted, i.e. passive smoking.

The cost of treatment to any injuries received as the result of a crime will be met by the criminal in question.

People who undertake dangerous activities such as skiing / motorsport should have adequate insurance to pay for any treatment they may require as a result of their activity.

 

Can we also rename the made up condition ADHD as "naughty bastard kid syndrome". I'm up for health minister.

 

Good call.

Your in.

It's nice to see the cabinet growing.

 

Thank you for that. I would be happy to accept the position of Health & Saftey Minister.

I will consider chages that i feel could be benificial and come back to the cabinet with these.