When Guns is 1SL

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by 2_deck_dash, Jun 14, 2010.

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  1. We've already had a few suggestions but what other issues should we be pressing our future boss to address?

  2. Tickler tins to be issued as workshop storage.

    Friday afternoons to be a makers and laid down as such in QR's.

    Sunday duty watches to have Monday and Tuesday off.

    Crushers and MOD Plod to have audible alarms fitted to warn of their approach.
  3. Fast track entry to all non mong sorry, ' special ' RR's ;)

  4. Sea Cadets shouldn't be allowed to join the navy in the first place.
  5. The QM will have the right to refuse entry to anyone not returning onboard with big eats.

    All stoker's mess decks will be fitted with a tyre swing in order for the occupants to expel excess energy and stop breaking things.

    Officers will be banned from wearing luminous trousers while ashore, I feel this presents a bad picture to the public of the sort of people the RN employs.

    Likewise Reebok classics, Superdry clothing and sportswear will be banned. (Except when participating in sports.)

    It will be mandatory for ugly wrens to wear their respirators when outside of their mess. This will cut seasickness in male sailors by up to 75%.

    RN Chefs will be banned from putting onions in dishes that do not require them, i.e mash potato, pasta, cheesy hammy eggy, cake, ice cream and tuna sandwiches.
  6. I agree entirely about distinguishing cloth. It would also guard against loggies wasting time trying to explain things that are complicated or relate to planning for the future. Like, "I'm in FTSP for a fortnight; where's my 3 phase twonkspangler for the portside gubbins box?" Answer; "it's E0 ("repairable" to the Godlikes) on a shelf in Bicester with a 6 week repair leadtime (for the Godlikes, you won't get a serviceable one for 7 weeks)".
  7. Badges of gold do as you're told should be re-enforced back into naval life.

    Baby sailors should sit on the mess sqaure floor and not the badgemens seats.
  8. Stores will change it's name to ''Issues'' so that overweight stores accountants can no longer say: ''This is stores shippers as in for storing not issuing.''

  9. Quite.

    Baby sailors should not be allowed in the mess except to clean, sleep and entertain the badgemen, until they have finished their task books.

    ''Dance! Dance! Dance!''
  10. Ugly wrens are to be towed on a barge behind any ship. They will be transported to their duties by a blindfolded pilot on instruments, to avoid the danger of him ditching in the sea to save humanity.

    Fatties are to be towed on a splash target until they lose weight or fall off.

    Spelling edit
  11. The METOC branch will be disbanded. Their role will be replaced by the Can Man or Chogey having a 5 minute look at the BBC Weather website once a day then publishing something different on daily orders. It is estimated the accuracy of Naval weather reports will increase by 300%.
  12. The branches that were originally a side ways entry but now direct should be reverted back to side ways entry.
  13. Aircraft Handlers will be banned from telling gullible woman that they are the ship's firemen. They will be forced to wear T-Shirts that say, ''NAMET Failure, I drive a tractor for a living.''
  14. Stewards will be disbanded and hossifers taught how to put food on a plate, drive a hoover and stir their own tea.
  15. But how will the RN fulfil it's ethnic diversity targets?
  16. As part of the SDASR, I believe METOC's days are numbered anyway mucker. Front-line troops are to be taught how to look up, and stick a wet finger in to the air. Challenges are envisaged in teaching the Booties how to do it, but a specially marked rollmat is being commissioned as an aide-memoire, with weather states as follows:

    Hoofing (sunny, with a light Northerly wind)
    Chad (an occluded front)
    Crabby (drizzly)
    Red Pigs (Hot, dry conditions)

    That's it really.
  17. :lol:

    Had a proper chuckle at this, one of my employees is an ex booty and he came in this morning saying what a 'hoofing' weekend he'd had.
  18. Good point, the educated ones can become chef's, and on that point chef's should be renamed cooks to accurately reflect their role.
  19. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    1. RN Police personnel to be issued with these:


    2. The Branch badge to be changed to this:


    Pleeeeease?! :wink:
  20. The bootie band to have their bugles replaced with vuvuzelas, as Jack can't march for sh1t anyway it will make divisions more interesting.

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