When Guns is 1SL

#1
We've already had a few suggestions but what other issues should we be pressing our future boss to address?

2_Deck_Dash said:
labrum said:
Guns said:
But seriously I really need points on my OJAR are there any Mods jobs going cos time is running out if I am going to make First Sea Lord.

My first signal as 1SL would be to make all RAF Officers entering RN property to have a better rank slide so can see what rank they are. Also the RAF officers would only be allowed to slow march everywhere. No reason just cos I can. Then I would make all Officers revert to coloured cloth between the stripes. That way you don't have to spend any time realising you are not talking to one of Gods chosen ones and can safely ignore Loggies.

Then all Royal Marines up to the rank of Col will have to learn to play the triangle. From Col on they can have a go with the recorder.

WAFU's to be banned from wearing flying overalls until they are within 5 m of the aircraft.

And Scourses will have to have to wear a patch on their uniforms of a hand dipping in to a pocket so we all know who they are.

And ... ooo so many ideas.

Now were is that Pimms jar......
Somebody O2 tag this man... :twisted:
No, I think he has some valid points, especially the stuff about WAFUs.

Can we also make the following changes?

The wearing of combat boots in place of steaming bats is to be punishable by death, especially knobber ex cadets who insist on wearing a gucci pair of gore-tex Lowas or Altbergs while bimbling around two deck in the Med.

In fact, come to think of it, ex cadets should only be trusted in the following roles, DHP, unarmed sentry and steward's assistant, this should also apply to the RNR and any attached RAF personnel.

All Northerners will be banned from using the main broadcast, only those who can speak properly should be allowed to make pipes.

Wrens will be limited to 1200 calories per day, this will not only stop them developing massive arses but will save money on food.

WAFUs will have their own mess and will not infect the proper sailors with their gashness and throbbing dits.

This mess will be locked (from the outside) when the ship is not at flying stations.

Fast jet pilots will be banned from gesticulating with their hands to demonstrate flying manoeuvres to their oppos.

Bring back bow waves.

And the tot.

And Dean Paffit's news van.
 
#2
Tickler tins to be issued as workshop storage.

Friday afternoons to be a makers and laid down as such in QR's.

Sunday duty watches to have Monday and Tuesday off.

Crushers and MOD Plod to have audible alarms fitted to warn of their approach.
 
#4
In fact, come to think of it, ex cadets should only be trusted in the following roles, DHP, unarmed sentry and steward's assistant, this should also apply to the RNR and any attached RAF personnel.

Sea Cadets shouldn't be allowed to join the navy in the first place.
 
#5
The QM will have the right to refuse entry to anyone not returning onboard with big eats.

All stoker's mess decks will be fitted with a tyre swing in order for the occupants to expel excess energy and stop breaking things.

Officers will be banned from wearing luminous trousers while ashore, I feel this presents a bad picture to the public of the sort of people the RN employs.

Likewise Reebok classics, Superdry clothing and sportswear will be banned. (Except when participating in sports.)

It will be mandatory for ugly wrens to wear their respirators when outside of their mess. This will cut seasickness in male sailors by up to 75%.

RN Chefs will be banned from putting onions in dishes that do not require them, i.e mash potato, pasta, cheesy hammy eggy, cake, ice cream and tuna sandwiches.
 
#6
2_deck_dash said:
Guns said:
Then I would make all Officers revert to coloured cloth between the stripes. That way you don't have to spend any time realising you are not talking to one of Gods chosen ones and can safely ignore Loggies.....
I agree entirely about distinguishing cloth. It would also guard against loggies wasting time trying to explain things that are complicated or relate to planning for the future. Like, "I'm in FTSP for a fortnight; where's my 3 phase twonkspangler for the portside gubbins box?" Answer; "it's E0 ("repairable" to the Godlikes) on a shelf in Bicester with a 6 week repair leadtime (for the Godlikes, you won't get a serviceable one for 7 weeks)".
 
#7
Badges of gold do as you're told should be re-enforced back into naval life.

Baby sailors should sit on the mess sqaure floor and not the badgemens seats.
 
#8
Passed-over_Loggie said:
2_deck_dash said:
Guns said:
Then I would make all Officers revert to coloured cloth between the stripes. That way you don't have to spend any time realising you are not talking to one of Gods chosen ones and can safely ignore Loggies.....
I agree entirely about distinguishing cloth. It would also guard against loggies wasting time trying to explain things that are complicated or relate to planning for the future. Like, "I'm in FTSP for a fortnight; where's my 3 phase twonkspangler for the portside gubbins box?" Answer; "it's E0 ("repairable" to the Godlikes) on a shelf in Bicester with a 6 week repair leadtime (for the Godlikes, you won't get a serviceable one for 7 weeks)".
Stores will change it's name to ''Issues'' so that overweight stores accountants can no longer say: ''This is stores shippers as in for storing not issuing.''

Cocks.
 
#9
tommo said:
Badges of gold do as you're told should be re-enforced back into naval life.

Baby sailors should sit on the mess sqaure floor and not the badgemens seats.
Quite.

Baby sailors should not be allowed in the mess except to clean, sleep and entertain the badgemen, until they have finished their task books.

''Dance! Dance! Dance!''
 
#10
Ugly wrens are to be towed on a barge behind any ship. They will be transported to their duties by a blindfolded pilot on instruments, to avoid the danger of him ditching in the sea to save humanity.

Fatties are to be towed on a splash target until they lose weight or fall off.

Spelling edit
 
#11
The METOC branch will be disbanded. Their role will be replaced by the Can Man or Chogey having a 5 minute look at the BBC Weather website once a day then publishing something different on daily orders. It is estimated the accuracy of Naval weather reports will increase by 300%.
 
#13
Aircraft Handlers will be banned from telling gullible woman that they are the ship's firemen. They will be forced to wear T-Shirts that say, ''NAMET Failure, I drive a tractor for a living.''
 
#16
2_deck_dash said:
The METOC branch will be disbanded. Their role will be replaced by the Can Man or Chogey having a 5 minute look at the BBC Weather website once a day then publishing something different on daily orders. It is estimated the accuracy of Naval weather reports will increase by 300%.
As part of the SDASR, I believe METOC's days are numbered anyway mucker. Front-line troops are to be taught how to look up, and stick a wet finger in to the air. Challenges are envisaged in teaching the Booties how to do it, but a specially marked rollmat is being commissioned as an aide-memoire, with weather states as follows:

Hoofing (sunny, with a light Northerly wind)
Chad (an occluded front)
Crabby (drizzly)
Red Pigs (Hot, dry conditions)


That's it really.
 
#17
JonnoJonno said:
2_deck_dash said:
The METOC branch will be disbanded. Their role will be replaced by the Can Man or Chogey having a 5 minute look at the BBC Weather website once a day then publishing something different on daily orders. It is estimated the accuracy of Naval weather reports will increase by 300%.
As part of the SDASR, I believe METOC's days are numbered anyway mucker. Front-line troops are to be taught how to look up, and stick a wet finger in to the air. Challenges are envisaged in teaching the Booties how to do it, but a specially marked rollmat is being commissioned as an aide-memoire, with weather states as follows:

Hoofing (sunny, with a light Northerly wind)
Chad (an occluded front)
Crabby (drizzly)
Red Pigs (Hot, dry conditions)


That's it really.
:lol:

Had a proper chuckle at this, one of my employees is an ex booty and he came in this morning saying what a 'hoofing' weekend he'd had.
 
#18
2_deck_dash said:
WreckerL said:
Stewards will be disbanded and hossifers taught how to put food on a plate, drive a hoover and stir their own tea.
But how will the RN fulfil it's ethnic diversity targets?
Good point, the educated ones can become chef's, and on that point chef's should be renamed cooks to accurately reflect their role.
 
#20
The bootie band to have their bugles replaced with vuvuzelas, as Jack can't march for sh1t anyway it will make divisions more interesting.
 
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