What's your best.......?

Discussion in 'Submariners' started by PhillipJFry, Jul 2, 2009.

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  1. Let's liven the posts up?

    Everyone has a 'best' - whether it's a shagging dit, run ashore etc etc etc

    Let's see what you've got!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. If you want it livened up you sundodging queen, hows about you go first?
  3. Monty, he's only a queen if he's on bombers. The rest of us are square jawed, steely eyed messengers of death manning sleek black killing machines (when they work, that is 8O )
  4. .........wanksock.

    My best wanksock is a pusser's thick black that I have had since Raleigh. It has been on 4 deployments with me to over 40 different destinations worldwide on 5 different ships. It can stand up by itself and when I used to hit the sprog IST officer trainees over the head with it, powderised jittler would come out in pleasing clouds of dust.

    It's name is Ma'am.
  5. best i ever did was 8 sticky greens and accompaniments that go with it down the gut in Malta in a night (was about 17 i think)
  6. Wiping the **** up with the closest thing to hand which was a sponge during an exped after banging a bird. The sponge was next seen washing my mates billy cans which made me chuckle slightly!! :D :lol:
  7. ......... Pint of howl.

    It was quarter a pint of Baileys, quarter a pint of green aftershock, the rest was piss, spit and regurgitated tequila.

    I managed to down it in two, the dregs were what got me. All the little chunky bits slipping down the side of the glass and then sticking to my lips, big stringy bits of phlegm, curdled baileys and bile joining me to the glass. I held on for about 30 seconds, hands on knees, drooling uncontrollably, shaking the head and blocking out the laughter before violently spewing onto my mincing bats.

    It was fcuking brilliant.
  8. .............reason for getting trooped.

    My best reason for getting trooped was because I got caught riding my 50cc moped stark bollocko and harry shiters around Collingrad. I was wearing a helmet mind.

    10 days 9's. Oh yeah and if the fat reggy with glasses is reading this, I pissed in your kettle.
  9. Best Crash.

    Rented a moped in Bermuda. Got hammered. Got on rented moped.
    Drove rented moped across 2 x tennis courts, 1 x flower bed, up
    a small set of steps on to the hotel swimming pool spring board.
    Drove rented moped off spring board into deep end of swimming
    pool. Climbed out of pool - went in search of hotel room, could not
    find it so got head down in wardrobe-sized ice-making machine in

    Woke up some time later (a bit cold). Went down to bar and re-
    commenced pissing up...wondering what all the fuss was about.
  10. Yeah but were you naked? :lol:
  11. No - not that time.....but there was the Zulu Warrior incident
    in the buffet of a chuff-chuff between Edinburgh and Doncaster
    that springs to mind.
  12. Naked video...........

    A Golly oppo of mine and I went on the lash hard in Newcastle. We stayed in a hotel on Osborne Road in Jesmond so as not to annoy the then girlfriends and to hide the debauchery we would no doubt indulge in. After a massive DTS and failing to get any of our traps back to the hotel due to barely being able to stand or speak we retired to our room where a game of Sumo, or "SU SU FIGGHTAAAAA!" started. In nothing but our nicks, this soon spilled into the corridor where we wedgied the nicks off each other, lined up at each end of the corridor and ran max chat at each other screaming "SU SU FIGHTAAAA!" After four or five goes, some old boy poked his head out and told us to fcuk off to bed so we did (we like the elderly). Unfortunately, we'd locked ourselves out. Marching down to reception hand in hand we enquired as to whether we could possibly bother the young lady for a new room key, she gave us a new key and we crashed out. Next morning, as we gingerly checked out, the chick behind the counter (not the same one) made a phonecall and said "They're here" slowly, about 5 other members of staff appeared and started smiling at us. We were then informed, and then shown the CCTV video of us flailing around in the corridor, bollocky buff, followed by another camera showing us happily skipping into reception without a care in the world. The staff, two of which were divs, were pissing themselves and so was I.

    Without breaking deadpan mode, my mate (The Geordie hand grenade) simply said "What? Never seen a pair of drunken cnuts with massive cocks before?" And walked off.

    We haven't been back.
  13. lmao, must have been hilarius, whats the worst you have ben because of the booze?
  14. Lord have mercy, you can't follow up an awesome naked fighting dit with some gash about walking into a lamp post.

    Fail. Round again Coxswain.
  15. .......What the fcuk happened? Moment.

    I woke up to the sound of windscreen wipers, very slowly scraping against windscreen, through bleary eyes, I could see a orangey brown smear being rubbed into the glass by the wiper. As I gahtered my thoughts, I realised two things. One, I'm sat in my car, two I've sh1t my pants. I switched the ignition off, and the god awful screaching stopped, stepping out the car I realised that the orangey mess was sick. I also realised that I was in a Safeways carpark.

    I got back into my car, and whilst trying not to rub the sh1t in my pants into the drivers seat any more, tried to start the engine, no joy, battery barely alive due to wipers being on all fcuking night.

    On inspection, I had my sunday league kit in my boot so scraped the crap out of my arse with a sock, ditched my nicks and jeans and put my footy kit on. This was cicrca 1995 so I didn't have a mobile (that would have been too easy) So still slightly fcuked, reeking of sh1t and puke I walked to the nearest phonebox which was right outside Safeways main door. Fortunately it was about 0600 on a Sunday morning and no-one was around other than the occasional shelf stacker peering at me through the window. I rang my brother and he picked me up (but made me get in the boot because I honked) and took me to buy home where I had a dhobi and went to bed. When I woke up, my dad and my brother had been to get my car and dad was now hosing it down, he caught my eye, said "Dirty little cnut" and didn't speak to me for weeks.

    To this day, other than knowing I'd been out on the lash, none of my mates know where I went after 2200. Neither do I.
  16. I laughed hard.

    Best drunken fight...
    I was rather sloshed, went to hit a chav, fell over, passed out and woke up in the morning :)
  17. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

  18. Went out on a section run ashore in Guzz starting at 1100, wifey asked me to bring her back some big eats (in joke). Evidently I left my mates house at 2100ish for the 15 min walk back to mine. Mrs Wrecker said I fell in the door at about 2330 ish with a bag of cold chips which I insisted she ate (we'd only been married 4 weeks so got away with it). I have absolutely no idea where I was or what I was doing for over 2 hours but spent weeks sh1tting myself in case someone did know and told the missus
  19. ...........cheesing down a length dit.

    My cousin lives about 6 miles from Torpoint. One evening I decided to go and visit him while my ship was in Guzz. I duly jumped on the Janner Ferry and planned to get the bus to his..........er negative shipmate no buses running today.

    With not enough cash for a cab I thought, fcuk it, it's a nice evening I'll walk. After about 2 miles I could feel a turd creeping up on me so I decided to get off the country lane and sort it out. I found a sneeky little track that was just perfect for the task, so I dropped my kecks and curled off a steaming Bungle's finger right in the middle of it.

    With nothing to tidy up with I used one of my socks (pussers issue, still with name and number embroided in from Raleigh.) I stuck the sock into the steaming turd and continued on my merry way. I got to my cousins and we had a nice evening drinking beer and catching up.

    The next morning he drove me back to the ferry. As we drove past the track from the night before, I realised it was the driveway of a nice big house. I enquired to my cousin 'who lives there?' he replied 'I don't know some Admiral or something.' Bugger, thought I, last night I had a massive sh1t right in the middle of his driveway and my sock complete with name and number is sat on top of it like a big flag.

    I decided it would be wise to stop and dispose of the evidence. We pulled over and I went and retrieved the sock from the now cold and slightly solidified sh1t. The look on my cousin's face when I returned to the car carrying a shitty pussers black sock was priceless.
  20. ....Creeping out of a house

    Trapped a right Gollum in Gosport once and somehow ended
    up back at her place. Did the dirty deeds and woke up
    next morning - decided to creep away in shame and disgust.
    Got me kit on and ambled down staircase in the dark.
    Heard a slight *CRUNCH* underfoot and realised I had
    stood on one of her sleeping pet kittens.

    Not a very clever thing to do....leaving Tiddles squished
    into the stair carpet before exiting through front door
    in search of a bus/taxi/anything to get me back to Dolphin.

    (No names, addresses or telephone numbers where exchanged)
    (Animals WERE harmed after this frantic bout of sexual activity)

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