What would happen if I.....

#1
This started because there's a pair of nesting shitehawks on a flat roof where I work and we've swapped the eggs with plastic ones. I wondered what would happen if you placed live chicken eggs in their place, when they hatched would daddy shitehawk batter the mummy shitehawk for bagging off out of watch or would they raise chickens who think they're shitehawks. This started a debate amongst the ex-servicemen I work with whilst the pest man and the civvies think we all have mental health issues........How many times have you been bored on watch etc and thought what would happen if I pressed that button, tied this to that, etc etc and had a total disaster or seen someone do something totally mental because "they'd wondered what would happen".
 
#2
On the egg question one from some bird of prey, dad returns to nest to find no sign of wife and junior with feathers sticking out of his beak.
 
#3
They would only hatch if they had been fertilised. Shop bought eggs haven't, so there won't be any babies. Back to the drawing board Wrecker or get some meaningful work done - probably for the first time in a long time.
 
G

guestm

Guest
#4
I actually know a bloke who doesn't have the ability to ask himself "What if I". He is a fucking nightmare and is consistently doing impulsive stuff, he can't help himself. The amount of times he's just lept into city centre fountains, knocked people's hats off, dropkicked king sized cuddly toys out the front door of the Disney store, surfed the baggage carousel at airports etc. He wrote his car off 5 years ago because he wanted to see what happened if he didn't steer at an oncoming corner. No surprises.

I used to shit myslelf when he was my Bosun's mate.
 
#5
Which is why I said live eggs Drakey i.e. fertilised. I know I'm only an ex-submariner but even I'd thought of that one!! (define "meaningful work", I'm sat here pondering life, the universe and everything but keep coming up with 41!)
 
C

cúnt

Guest
#7
I actually know a bloke who doesn't have the ability to ask himself "What if I". He is a fucking nightmare and is consistently doing impulsive stuff, he can't help himself. The amount of times he's just lept into city centre fountains, knocked people's hats off, dropkicked king sized cuddly toys out the front door of the Disney store, surfed the baggage carousel at airports etc. He wrote his car off 5 years ago because he wanted to see what happened if he didn't steer at an oncoming corner. No surprises.

I used to shit myslelf when he was my Bosun's mate.
You swamped yourself in a pub for a laugh. *insert pot and kettle comment here*
 
#10
Which is why I said live eggs Drakey i.e. fertilised. I know I'm only an ex-submariner but even I'd thought of that one!! (define "meaningful work", I'm sat here pondering life, the universe and everything but keep coming up with 41!)
Get a new calculator or have you got a digit missing? The answer is 42.
 

jockpopeye

Lantern Swinger
Book Reviewer
#11
I normally have to control my urge to utter American GI / war movie style comments at meeting at work.

The worst is "Any questions?"
"Yeah, how do ah get outta this chickenshit outfit?"
I dont think that any of my colleagues would find it funny or know the appropriate response.

My other favourite is "This is a shit sandwich and we are all going to have to take a bite."

I am due to leave soon so I think I will just start using them.

Any other suggested comments welcome...
 
#12
We used to play bullshit bingo at meetings, draw up a list of things like, nebulous, best bang for a buck , blue sky thinking, thinking out of the box etc then tick them off as the grownups use them.
 
#13
.........we all actually did our work strictly in accordance with European guidelines and all the legislation as laid down
by the Health & Safety Executive. Would we actually get anything fu**ing done.......ever? The mind is boggling.
 
#16
What would happen if ?............................my mate was on watch on the blr front on Fife, Tiff had been working on the nudyne auto control of fuel recirc line and had left the cover off, mate was sat there having a tab and feeding bits of rag into the cogs of nudyne motor until one thicker piece of rag got stuck. Mate gave it a hefty tug and......tika tika tika tika....... blr shut down.
'' Don't know Chief, fukka just went into spasm and shut down''.
 
#17
On a S boat, one of the UCs was bored......

I got called out to a snag on a display with attached keyboard - it just would not do what it was told. Press UP it went DOWN, LEFT it went RIGHT etc, It was an Elmer bit of kit, so out came the books - nothing, nada, ZIP. We were going loopy, especially as the other unit was functioning just fine, so it was coming down to 'repair by replacement' with the known good unit. Then we noticed the keypads were different.

The little shit had pulled the buttons off the keypad on 'his' display and swapped them round. My how we laughed... he didn't.
 

Similar threads