What manner of retards live among us?

2_deck_dash

War Hero
I've been waiting to use this bad boy on someone for a while now:

"Cheers for that, if I ever need your advice, I'll give you the special signal. The special signal is me being sectioned under the mental health act."
 

AAF

War Hero
I've been waiting to use this bad boy on someone for a while now:

"Cheers for that, if I ever need your advice, I'll give you the special signal. The special signal is me being sectioned under the mental health act."

Got loads of advice before being sectioned like ''Stirl, you are fukin mental'' or ''Stirl, go and boil your head'', all of which I ignored. Now dasher, can I advise you on which prayer mat to purchase.
 

SONAR-BENDER

War Hero
I've been waiting to use this bad boy on someone for a while now:

"Cheers for that, if I ever need your advice, I'll give you the special signal. The special signal is me being sectioned under the mental health act."



Yep, I saw that one on ARRSE too and liked it. But not enough to copy it.
 
A little situation has arisen which, while causing me a considerable amount of hassle, has made we ponder what manner of retarded ****wits inhabit this planet.

I have a flat in London which I'm currently renting out to a nice couple, They are the perfect tenants, rent is always on time and generally I don't hear a peep out of them. Unfortunately they sent me an email yesterday explaining that they will be ending their tenancy instantly and are moving out.

Why you may ask?

Turns out they found a handgun on the doorstep, it later transpired that the gun belongs to one of the young lads who lives upstairs, who is now being done for a string of offences including intent to supply, armed robbery, assault and unlawful possession of a firearm. He's not best pleased that they handed the gat into plod, thus instigating the dawn raid which resulted in his arrest. Hence why they now feel the need to **** off sharpish.

Now I hear you say:

"Woah woah woah there? What the ****? Did you just say they found his gun on the doorstep?"

Yep. The bloke accidentally left his ****ing gun on the communal doorstep of the block. Seriously how the **** does this happen? Did he take it out of his pocket while trying to find his keys and accidentally forget that he'd put it down? It's a ****ing gun, not a set of car keys.

"Here mate, can you just hold my gun for a sec while I tie my shoelaces please."

I'm honestly shocked, not that there is a violent criminal living above my flat, it's London, I just can't believe anyone would be so devoid of intelligence as to risk a lengthy prison sentence by accidentally leaving a gun on the doorstep.

So anyway, what funny places have you accidentally left your illegally held firearms?

Post examples of extreme stupidity here.


(No Danny Nightingale dits.)

Example of stupidity..A good few moons ago_On the range.Gimpy's.Three guys to fire the same detail. so to 'speed things up' a belt is loaded with the required number of rounds. with a gap in the belt, and the same number loaded again.The guys line up behind the gun,fires his detail.Pulls the belt through for the next guy, and moves away from the gun. Before the next lad can lie down behind it, the sear must have cooled down and disengaged.The bloody gun go's off by itself, leaps in the air spraying half a dozen rounds of finest 7.62 all over the place. You never seen people diving of a firing point with such speed and agility in your life.
 

Blackrat

War Hero
Moderator
Book Reviewer
Example of stupidity..A good few moons ago_On the range.Gimpy's.Three guys to fire the same detail. so to 'speed things up' a belt is loaded with the required number of rounds. with a gap in the belt, and the same number loaded again.The guys line up behind the gun,fires his detail.Pulls the belt through for the next guy, and moves away from the gun. Before the next lad can lie down behind it, the sear must have cooled down and disengaged.The bloody gun go's off by itself, leaps in the air spraying half a dozen rounds of finest 7.62 all over the place. You never seen people diving of a firing point with such speed and agility in your life.

Ah yes. Runaway gun. The IA drill in this situation is to kick the link off. Or as mentioned above, **** off sharpish.
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Rain drops keep falling on my ******* HEAD.

Deciding that ten days in a caravan down in Cornwall has been the most RETARDED ideas I have ever thunked up...It rained. A ******* lot.
To give you an example - after imbibing several litres of alcoholic beverage and thereafter retiring to my pit...I was awoken with a full belly of wee-wee.
Now seeing as it was ****'o'clock in the morning and I needed to empty the other end as well- I fell out of said caravan into a quagmire that passed as
the inside of the awning. Clad only in flip-flops and a pair of drenched boxers, I decided it would be fun to get to the bog-block on a belly-board.
It worked across the grass, seeing as there was about two inches of surface water on it...but I came to a dead stop on the gravel road - well the board
did and I shot off in the direction of two green caravan site skips. That hurt.
A lot.
My elbows are a mass of scabbed human tissue and I eventually made it to the toilet block.

But only just.

We came back today - three days early.....the water from the sky has been ******* awsome but it don't do much for a chill-out holiday with the wife.

And yes - I got shouted at for being a prat.

Happy Holidays,

BillyRetard,

X X X
 
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