What manner of retards live among us?

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by 2_deck_dash, Jul 26, 2013.

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  1. A little situation has arisen which, while causing me a considerable amount of hassle, has made we ponder what manner of retarded fuckwits inhabit this planet.

    I have a flat in London which I'm currently renting out to a nice couple, They are the perfect tenants, rent is always on time and generally I don't hear a peep out of them. Unfortunately they sent me an email yesterday explaining that they will be ending their tenancy instantly and are moving out.

    Why you may ask?

    Turns out they found a handgun on the doorstep, it later transpired that the gun belongs to one of the young lads who lives upstairs, who is now being done for a string of offences including intent to supply, armed robbery, assault and unlawful possession of a firearm. He's not best pleased that they handed the gat into plod, thus instigating the dawn raid which resulted in his arrest. Hence why they now feel the need to fuck off sharpish.

    Now I hear you say:

    "Woah woah woah there? What the fuck? Did you just say they found his gun on the doorstep?"

    Yep. The bloke accidentally left his fucking gun on the communal doorstep of the block. Seriously how the fuck does this happen? Did he take it out of his pocket while trying to find his keys and accidentally forget that he'd put it down? It's a fucking gun, not a set of car keys.

    "Here mate, can you just hold my gun for a sec while I tie my shoelaces please."

    I'm honestly shocked, not that there is a violent criminal living above my flat, it's London, I just can't believe anyone would be so devoid of intelligence as to risk a lengthy prison sentence by accidentally leaving a gun on the doorstep.

    So anyway, what funny places have you accidentally left your illegally held firearms?

    Post examples of extreme stupidity here.

    (No Danny Nightingale dits.)
    • Like Like x 1
  2. In witsend's garage.

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  3. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    What do you expect in West Hampstead?

    Mate of mine forgot his keys once and decided to break in to his own house via the smallest window imaginable, the downstairs karzi. As predicted by two of us watching, the fucking idiot got stuck. His cries for help were pitiful and being the mates we are, we left the cunt hanging. A good neighbour called the rozzers who responded to the "Burglar on premises" call with alacrity. It took him some time to convince them it was his gaff.

    Mind you, this is the fuckwit who, when calling directory enquiries and on being asked "What name please?", gave his. Retard.
  4. My housemate called the coppers on me as he thought i was a burgular as i was having troubles getting my door key in the hole. Too cringy to talk about the rest but it happens
  5. I left my weapon in a young lady and got 40 years
    • Like Like x 2
  6. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Speaking of fecktards and guns, I am aware of a certain female occifer who attended a course at DISC Chicksands who was conducting a "Counter-/Anti-Surveillance Exercise" in Hitchin when she nipped into the toilets of a supermarket to do a required costume change. Unfortunately she neglected to retrieve the 9mm pistol and holster that she left hanging up on the back of the cubicle door... :oops:

    BBC NEWS | UK | England | Beds/Bucks/Herts | Gun left by soldier at shop found
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2013
  7. Fucking hell.

    Not one of those 'severe tellings off' was it?

  8. And <<...in the disabled toilet...>> too.

    An understandable lapse if she had just been slipped a crippler...
    • Like Like x 2
  9. It was a career stopper. That story still does the rounds and is mentioned on every course at some point.
  10. Sounds like you are at your witsend with finks...
    • Like Like x 1
  11. Ooooooh I see what you did there. Verrrr clever.

    Sent via Heliograph from the Jebel Birkenhead
  12. Whilst that last comment may be factual, i have kind of been waiting to impart that witty remark for a while- i have to deal with it all the time so sharing the wealth and all that :D
  13. I've been waiting to use this bad boy on someone for a while now:

    "Cheers for that, if I ever need your advice, I'll give you the special signal. The special signal is me being sectioned under the mental health act."
    • Like Like x 2
  14. AAF

    AAF Badgeman

    Got loads of advice before being sectioned like ''Stirl, you are fukin mental'' or ''Stirl, go and boil your head'', all of which I ignored. Now dasher, can I advise you on which prayer mat to purchase.
    • Like Like x 4

  15. Yep, I saw that one on ARRSE too and liked it. But not enough to copy it.
  16. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Wasn't used by that cunt Ravers by any chance?
    • Like Like x 2
  17. Aye the massive wanker stole it before me and I stole it from him.
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    He's a fucker, no mistake.
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Example of stupidity..A good few moons ago_On the range.Gimpy's.Three guys to fire the same detail. so to 'speed things up' a belt is loaded with the required number of rounds. with a gap in the belt, and the same number loaded again.The guys line up behind the gun,fires his detail.Pulls the belt through for the next guy, and moves away from the gun. Before the next lad can lie down behind it, the sear must have cooled down and disengaged.The bloody gun go's off by itself, leaps in the air spraying half a dozen rounds of finest 7.62 all over the place. You never seen people diving of a firing point with such speed and agility in your life.
  20. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Ah yes. Runaway gun. The IA drill in this situation is to kick the link off. Or as mentioned above, fuck off sharpish.

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