What Is A Matelot

SONAR-BENDER

War Hero
Well, since we have gone into re-cycling mode, here's another one. There are more........

PS I don't claim authorship or this one either!!




Old Shipmates v Civvy Pals

CIVVY FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a week.
Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met...

CIVVY FRIENDS: Never ask for food.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

CIVVY FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Call your parents mum and dad.

CIVVY FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, Ooops, we cocked up there...but what a laugh!"

CIVVY FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Cry with you.

CIVVY FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

CIVVY FRIENDS: know a few things about you.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

CIVVY FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Will kick the shit out of anyone that left you behind.

CIVVY FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

CIVVY FRIENDS: Are for a while.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Are for life.

CIVVY FRIENDS: Might take your drink away when they think you've had enough.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Will look at you falling ass over tit and say, "Mind out matey, you’ve spilt some and you know we don't waste wets...That's alcohol abuse!!"

CIVVY FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Will kick the shit out of them!!

CIVVY FRIENDS: Will ignore this.

Ex NAVY FRIENDS: Will ask for a copy to send to old mates!!
 
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SONAR-BENDER

War Hero
Oh, go on then!




A Submariner is not born; he is made out of leftovers! God built the world and the animals and then recycled the gash to create this dastardly weapon.

He took the leftover roar of the lion, the howl of the hyena, the clumsiness of the ox, the stubbornness of the mule, the slyness of the fox, the wildness of the bull and the pride of a peacock - then added the filthy evil mind of the devil to satisfy his weird sense of humour.

A Submariner evolved into a crude combination of John Dillinger, Errol Flynn, Beau Brummel and Valentino - a swashbuckling - beer-swilling - lovemaking - LIAR!

A Submariner likes girls, rum, beer, fights, uckers, runs ashore, pubs, jokes, long leave, his mates and his ticket.

He hates officers, rounds, divisions, saluting middies, naval police, painting the side, jaunties, navy scran, his turn in the barrel and signing on!

A Submariner comes in four colours; white, off white, dirty and filthy - all looking alike under a tan and a uniform.

He is brave drinking beer, abusive playing crib, brutal defending his pride and passionate making love.

He can start a brawl, create a disaster, offend the law, piss off a skimmer, and make you lose your money, your temper and your mind!

He can take your sister, your mother, your aunt, and when he is caught get his captain to vouch for his integrity.

A Submariner is loved by all mothers, sisters, aunts and nieces; hated by all fathers, brothers, uncles and nephews.

He has a girl in every port and a port in every girl. He breaks more hearts, causes more fights and begets more bastards than any other man, yet when he is off to sea he is missed more than any other!

A Submariner is a mean, hard drinking, fast running, mealy mouthed son-of-a-bitch, but when you are in strife he is a strong shoulder to lean on, a pillar of wisdom, and a defender of the faith and cause.

He fights for his mate, and dies for his country, without question or hesitation!

This is a Submariner!

Anon.
 

Peewee Hunt

Midshipman
Definitely - I was in Tokyo on the Victorious and the Yanks put on a special night (hands across the water) at their massive PX club. There were about a thousand of us from the Vic and her consorts, and around 3,000 Yanks. The Yanks sang a mighty version of God Save The Queen and this was responded to by a leading cook who climbed on a table and led us into - 'The stars and stripes are flying over Tokyo, flying over Tokyo, the stars and stripes are flying over Tokyo UNDERNEATH THE UNION JACK!!!'. Although out numbered by at least 2 -1 we won the ensuing punch-up hands down. Nelson would have been proud :grin:
 

sgtpepperband

War Hero
Book Reviewer
Swearing At Work

Dear Staff

It has been brought to the Managing Director's attention that some ex-servicemen throughout the organisation have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their civilian work colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may have been easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 new and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.Try Saying: "I think you could do with more training."
Instead Of: "You don't have a ****ing clue do you Lofty?"

2.Try Saying: "She's an aggressive go-getter."
Instead Of: "She's a ****ing power-crazy bitch."

3.Try Saying: "Perhaps I can work late."
Instead Of: "And when the **** do you expect me to do this?"

4.Try Saying: "I'm certain that isn't feasible."
Instead Of: "**** off you ********!"

5.Try Saying: "Really?"
Instead Of: "Well, **** me sideways with a telegraph pole!"

6.Try Saying: "Perhaps you should check with............"
Instead Of: "Tell someone who actually gives a ****!"

7.Try Saying: "I wasn't involved in the project."
Instead Of: "Not my ****ing problem shippers!"

8.Try Saying: "That's interesting."
Instead Of: "What the ****."

9.Try Saying: "I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale."
Instead Of: "No ****ing chance mate!"

10.Try Saying: "It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in."
Instead Of: "Why the **** didn't you tell me that yesterday, you knob jockey?"

11.Try Saying: "He's not familiar with the issues."
Instead Of: "He's got his head up his ****ing arse!"

12.Try Saying: "Excuse me, Sir."
Instead Of: "Oi, **** face!"

13.Try Saying: "Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway."
Instead Of: "Yeah, who needs ****ing holidays anyway..."

Best regards,

The Management
 

SONAR-BENDER

War Hero
DON'T PANIC - WRITE A REPORT [FONT=&quot]

The following report from a ship's Master is reproduced by kind permission of the anonymous writer who appears to be gifted with remarkable "sang-froid."[/FONT]​
It is with much regret and haste that I write this letter to you; regret that such a small initial misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to over dramatise the affair. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] We had just picked up the Pilot and the Midshipman had returned from changing the "G" flag for the "H" and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty in rolling the "G" flag up. The Chief Bunty therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, he told him to "let go". The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating the Chief having to repeat the order in a sharper tone. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] At this moment the Navigating Officer appeared from the Chart room, having been plotting the vessel's progress by dead reckoning.Thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, he then repeated the "let go" order to the Fo’c’sle Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away but not walked out, was then promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the "hawse pipe" while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out by the roots. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary to the river up which we were proceeding. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagen, two cyclists and cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the Fo’c’sle Officer dropped the starboard anchor, however, too late to be of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room telegraph and personally rang the Engine Room to order maximum revolutions astern. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a decent movie on tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward part of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the First Lieutenant was supervising the making-fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing spring down onto the tug. The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of the vessel, just at the moment when the propeller was answering my double ring for Full Astern. The prompt action of the First Lieutenant in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel, apart from the sad loss of the cat. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] It is very strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a "cable area" at that time might suggest that we possibly had touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the actual pylon or pylons fell. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The Pilot, for instance is at this very moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying, after having consumed a bottle of Gordon’s gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The tug skipper, on the other hand, reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the PO Steward, who presently has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital where he is now telling me to do impossible things with my ship and crew. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and the insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Fo’c’sle Officer collected after his somewhat hurried departure off the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim for the damage that they did to the starboard railings, the breakwater and the forward 4.5 inch turret. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] I am closing this preliminary report, for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights. [FONT=&quot][/FONT] It is sad to think that had the Midshipman realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
 

madcook59

Midshipman
Hey Peewee. I was also on that commission of the Ark 61-63 but don't remember seeing this; several variations though. By the way I enjoyed your book 'The Virgin Sailor'. Thanks for posting this here.
 

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