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What does your Newspaper say about you?

The Sun:



Mission statement
Titty ‘n’ footie for the masses.

Readership profile
Those who have a comprehension of the English language to at least the equivalent of a five-year-old. People who have such knackering jobs that they’ll come home and read any old rubbish. People who’ve spent the last 20 years of their tragic but numb lives smacked-up on daytime TV, they’ll also read any old rubbish.
We know what they want and we give it to ‘em. Yes we do, we do, that’s why we’re Britain’s number one selling paper, ‘ave it you dirty slags! Anyone interested in a cheeky spot of port or the opera?

Content
It is very important to us that we take a moral stance on everything and anything. Morality is the ketchup on our chips, it needs to be thick and viscous (like our readers). There is a clear message in our moral stance including, but certainly not limited to, asylum seekers: bad; gays: weird and Heather Mills McCartney: money grabbing bitch, but we’d still do ‘er.
All political analysis is done on page 3. Sensitive comments about the state of the world generally hover in a box over some lovely totty’s bits. Last week Bunny from Barnsley contextualised the situation in the Middle East, using a post-colonialist feminist framework. It is important that we give our readers something to really ponder when they bash one out.

Offers and Freebies
Discounts on caravanning holidays so the scum can escape their lives and the depressing world we’ve created for them, albeit temporarily.




The Daily Mail:


Mission statement
A BRITISH paper for good, honest, hard working, we-didn’t-fight-two-wars-for-nothing-you-know BRITISH people.

Readership profile
People who own their own homes and have developed a sinister paranoia that everything and everyone beyond their property is conspiring to undermine its value in a variety of ways. It’s the immigrants who are to blame. I’ve heard them plotting, and looking with their shifty eyes. Occasionally they even whisper their plans into my ear, as I lie awake in bed at night clutching my gun in case a burglar, terrorist or low-income earner treads mud through the house and all over the new cream carpet. Sometimes in these hours, I find myself wondering if I’ve ever actually experienced happiness or joy; perhaps the last time I got anywhere close was back in 1992 when John Major got re-elected.

Content
It’s a scary world out there, so we like to balance our news with some light-hearted nature stories, for example, featuring bees. They are so happy being part of a community and working for the good of their hive. Every bee has its own role and position and respects the Queen. That is, until the foreign bees came along. They are bigger and darker and more virile, these foreign bees, and they don’t respect our rules and traditions. Our bees tried to reason with the foreign bees, but they wouldn’t listen because they didn’t even bother to learn our language. So all our bees had to move to the Home Counties, where it’s nice and safe. Now they have tall fences around their hives and their only connection with other bees is through publications like the Daily Drone. It’s true, just ask David Attenborough.

Offers and freebies
Pull-out calendars, featuring a different royal for each month. A swim-suit edition may also be in the pipeline.





The Guardian:

Mission statement
â€Mission†sounds too militant for our ethos. We prefer the term “meandering suggestion†which, as a fully actualised person, you have every right to ignore. In fact, most people do just that.

Readership profile
The do-gooding, wet middle class. Teachers, social workers, teachers, the PC crowd and teachers. Also, people who just want everyone to be nice to each other and get on in our multi-cultural world, providing this means not having to leave their bourgeois bohemian enclave to actually live in the kind of places they like to talk about celebrating. Also, people who want to save the environment and make the world a cleaner, more sustainable place, providing this doesn’t mean foregoing their biannual trips to Goa and Fiji or giving up their imported pawpaw fruits and lychees.

Content
As well as the usual whinging reports about carrier bags and the Congestion Charge, there are plenty of exciting features such as a fascinating account of the significance of cabbage and a history of tap water. More populist articles have been, “Lithuanian Mime: Past and Presentâ€, and “Finding Your Chuckle in the Post-Post Ironic State of Late Capitalismâ€. In order to cater to everyone, we feel it’s often important to have a double-page spread about class divide, for example, and on the other side “A Week Away: 10 Charming Retreats in Rural France for less than £10,000â€.

Offers and freebies
Our humourless readers just love free posters of any old crap. Colour wall charts are the next big thing, perhaps different shades of cream, grey and brown, which basically consist of stolen paint charts from B&Q.




The Star:

The Star reader can't read, he only buys it for the pictures of Jodie Marsh, who he believes is the most beautiful and intelligent being on earth.
 
D

Deleted 7

Guest
My Headlines for today are as follows;


HAVE LESBIANS STOLEN FROM YOUR DAUGHTERS?

WILL GAYS TAX THE COUNTRYSIDE?

IS GORDON BROWN TURNING THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY GAY?

COULD CHANNEL 4 INFECT YOUR DAUGHTERS WITH AIDS?

WILL BRUSSELS MOLEST BRITAIN'S FARMERS?


By the 5th headline,I was sinking into depression :cry:
 

Marine1

Newbie
I wondered what newspapers were for !
I thought you were meant to tear it into squares, hook on a bit o string, and hang on the wall in the heads......
 

jesse

War Hero
:geek: I'm a Daily Sport man myself :drunken: ;- but then I do come from "Yerefudshore" :roll:
 

Jimmy_Green

War Hero
IS GORDON BROWN KILLING MIDDLE BRITAIN?

HAS GORDON BROWN HURT YOUR PENSION?

WILL BRUSSELS BUREAUCRATS RUIN PENSIONERS?

WILL THE UNIONS RUIN ENGLAND?

COULD YOBS RUIN HARD-WORKING FAMILIES?

WILL THE HOUSE PRICE CRASH DESTROY PROPERTY PRICES?

IS ALISTAIR DARLING STEALING FROM YOUR CHILDREN?


All true


ARE FERAL CHILDREN HAVING SEX WITH CLIFF RICHARD?

WILL THE GERMANS HAVE SEX WITH YOUR PETS?

ARE YOBS HAVING SEX WITH PENSIONERS?

HAS TEENAGE SEX RUINED YOUR DAUGHTERS?

ARE GAYS GIVING CLIFF RICHARD SWINE FLU?

COULD GAYS HAVE SEX WITH CLIFF RICHARD?

COULD YOBS IMPREGNATE PENSIONERS?

COULD RUSSELL BRAND INFECT YOUR CHILDREN WITH AIDS?

HAVE HOODIES HAD SEX WITH THE QUEEN?

WILL GYPSIES STEAL THE IDENTITY OF THE ROYAL FAMILY?

COULD TEENAGE SEX MAKE PENSIONERS IMPOTENT?

HAVE GYPSIES INFECTED YOUR CHILDREN WITH AIDS?

ARE THE FRENCH KILLING YOUR CHILDREN?

IS GORDON BROWN HAVING SEX WITH YOUR DAUGHTERS?

WILL PAEDOPHILES HURT YOUR PETS?

COULD MUSLIMS IMPREGNATE YOUR PETS?

HAS THE LOONY LEFT HAD SEX WITH CLIFF RICHARD?


All possibly true.
 
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