The Sun: Mission statement Titty â€˜nâ€™ footie for the masses. Readership profile Those who have a comprehension of the English language to at least the equivalent of a five-year-old. People who have such knackering jobs that theyâ€™ll come home and read any old rubbish. People whoâ€™ve spent the last 20 years of their tragic but numb lives smacked-up on daytime TV, theyâ€™ll also read any old rubbish. We know what they want and we give it to â€˜em. Yes we do, we do, thatâ€™s why weâ€™re Britainâ€™s number one selling paper, â€˜ave it you dirty slags! Anyone interested in a cheeky spot of port or the opera? Content It is very important to us that we take a moral stance on everything and anything. Morality is the ketchup on our chips, it needs to be thick and viscous (like our readers). There is a clear message in our moral stance including, but certainly not limited to, asylum seekers: bad; gays: weird and Heather Mills McCartney: money grabbing bitch, but weâ€™d still do â€˜er. All political analysis is done on page 3. Sensitive comments about the state of the world generally hover in a box over some lovely tottyâ€™s bits. Last week Bunny from Barnsley contextualised the situation in the Middle East, using a post-colonialist feminist framework. It is important that we give our readers something to really ponder when they bash one out. Offers and Freebies Discounts on caravanning holidays so the scum can escape their lives and the depressing world weâ€™ve created for them, albeit temporarily. The Daily Mail: Mission statement A BRITISH paper for good, honest, hard working, we-didnâ€™t-fight-two-wars-for-nothing-you-know BRITISH people. Readership profile People who own their own homes and have developed a sinister paranoia that everything and everyone beyond their property is conspiring to undermine its value in a variety of ways. Itâ€™s the immigrants who are to blame. Iâ€™ve heard them plotting, and looking with their shifty eyes. Occasionally they even whisper their plans into my ear, as I lie awake in bed at night clutching my gun in case a burglar, terrorist or low-income earner treads mud through the house and all over the new cream carpet. Sometimes in these hours, I find myself wondering if Iâ€™ve ever actually experienced happiness or joy; perhaps the last time I got anywhere close was back in 1992 when John Major got re-elected. Content Itâ€™s a scary world out there, so we like to balance our news with some light-hearted nature stories, for example, featuring bees. They are so happy being part of a community and working for the good of their hive. Every bee has its own role and position and respects the Queen. That is, until the foreign bees came along. They are bigger and darker and more virile, these foreign bees, and they donâ€™t respect our rules and traditions. Our bees tried to reason with the foreign bees, but they wouldnâ€™t listen because they didnâ€™t even bother to learn our language. So all our bees had to move to the Home Counties, where itâ€™s nice and safe. Now they have tall fences around their hives and their only connection with other bees is through publications like the Daily Drone. Itâ€™s true, just ask David Attenborough. Offers and freebies Pull-out calendars, featuring a different royal for each month. A swim-suit edition may also be in the pipeline. The Guardian: Mission statement â€Missionâ€ sounds too militant for our ethos. We prefer the term â€œmeandering suggestionâ€ which, as a fully actualised person, you have every right to ignore. In fact, most people do just that. Readership profile The do-gooding, wet middle class. Teachers, social workers, teachers, the PC crowd and teachers. Also, people who just want everyone to be nice to each other and get on in our multi-cultural world, providing this means not having to leave their bourgeois bohemian enclave to actually live in the kind of places they like to talk about celebrating. Also, people who want to save the environment and make the world a cleaner, more sustainable place, providing this doesnâ€™t mean foregoing their biannual trips to Goa and Fiji or giving up their imported pawpaw fruits and lychees. Content As well as the usual whinging reports about carrier bags and the Congestion Charge, there are plenty of exciting features such as a fascinating account of the significance of cabbage and a history of tap water. More populist articles have been, â€œLithuanian Mime: Past and Presentâ€, and â€œFinding Your Chuckle in the Post-Post Ironic State of Late Capitalismâ€. In order to cater to everyone, we feel itâ€™s often important to have a double-page spread about class divide, for example, and on the other side â€œA Week Away: 10 Charming Retreats in Rural France for less than Â£10,000â€. Offers and freebies Our humourless readers just love free posters of any old crap. Colour wall charts are the next big thing, perhaps different shades of cream, grey and brown, which basically consist of stolen paint charts from B&Q. The Star: The Star reader can't read, he only buys it for the pictures of Jodie Marsh, who he believes is the most beautiful and intelligent being on earth.