Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by jjp23, Dec 4, 2009.

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  1. So i am off to a mates wedding tomorrow. I plan on going out early doors for a few but still being able to be sensible until the evening bash, then i intend to get smashed and do something drink fuelled and epic. This will be decided upon dependning how much of a state i am in and what my mates encourage me to do.

    Just thought i would see if anyone has got any good wedding dits to tell for abit of a friday afernoon laugh?
  2. Yep, get smashed and kick off, pretty basic and standard at a wedding I'd say.
    What are you planning that may be new or just a tad novel? Had you considered not turning up at all? That should cause a few sighs of relief all around.
  3. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I went to one where the groom was a squaddie, as was the best man, as were quite a few of the guests. The best man was hammered come speech time and slurred his way through it, except when he said "Charlie (the bride) is a lovely girl. She must take after her mum. So i gather her mum is dirty too" which was said clear as day. One of the squaddie guests shagged a bridesmaid and covered the back of her dress with jod, the father of the bride punched the best man in the grounds of the venue and the groom passed out in the rhododendrons. Me? I ended up chatting to a nice lady who was interested in my stories of military derring do and invited me to her room to "discuss" them further. A great time was had by all.
  4. Must rush off, but perhaps someone else has time to spin the 'Lower Deck Wedding' yarns??
  5. Yeah, just get trashed from the start. Then it wont be a shock when you stumble around kicking off and swamping on the bride.
  6. Oh, and remember, it's your day not fcuking theirs. Fcuking wreck the place.
  7. Quality wedding then. I hope tomorrow goes something like that.

    Editied to add - Alfacharlie, i like your style. But i was hoping to wait until everyone was a bit smashed before making an arse of myself.
  8. Went to my oppos wedding, full on matelot jobby with Naval hymns during the service, archway of pace sticks (he is a PO gunner) as him and the missus left the church etc.

    Anyway you know at a wedding reception there is always that kid who slides accross the dance floor on his knees over and over again?

    I was that kid.

    Destroyed my number 1s completely and topped the evening off with a fcuked cruchet ligament caused by jumping off the stage onto the dance floor into an epic knee slide. It looked awesome at the time and I was so pissed it didn't hurt. Woke up the next day and the pain has been there ever since. That was 4 years ago.

    Good times.
  9. I had a similar experience in trying to jump over a cattle grid drunk
  10. So you are a fat cow then ?. :)
  11. I was best man once. And I re-iterate ONCE in 2002.

    I was a bit nervous, so had a few before my speech., The bride's grandad was coughing so I told him "Fcuking drink some water, I'm trying to fcuking talk". At some point later during my 'hilarious' speech, I also pointed out how brave the groom was for "taking that fcuking family of inbreds on".

    Later on I spiked the grooms drinks with vodka to try and take the heat off me and he collapsed in the middle of the dancefloor. I got banged out by a member of the bride's family for calling her a slag. And to cap it all, I completely failed to trap any of the bridesmaids and ended up railing an outrageously ugly waitress.

    I fcuking love weddings. Especially my family ones as I'm related to pikeys and they always turn up and fight everyone.
  12. Can't black cat any of the dits posted so far - but just for interest - when I got married (back in 1980) I'd just left the mob and 95% of my guests were serving matelot types mostly submariners. Had about a dozen of them stay at my new mother in laws and various other put ups. This was in a small mining town in the Midlands - great time was had by all - we went off on our honey moon. When we got back a week later - most of them were still there - they were having such a good time, pissing up, shagging the locals and getting fed and watered that they wouldn't bugger off and it took another two days to finally get rid of them all - good times though.
  13. Well as it is a bit quiet on here this morning i thought i would try to let you know how the wedding went.

    Me and a mate decided to buy some of those stupid boxer shorts you can get and not tell anyone and then for a surprise, well you can guess what.

    So we had to be at the reception at 8pm and decided that 3pm was a reasonable time to start drinking. So suited and booted we went to the pub. By 8pm, already a little merry, we turned up and did all the meeting and greeting before getting to the bar. By 11pm and god knows how many shorts later we suitably trashed we stripped down and decided to attempt to dance to salt 'n' pepper's song push it. I then decided to try and pull the fittest bird there and failed miserably. So started dancing with someone’s gran. :oops:

    I then remember thinking it was a good idea to get on the whisky. Following this i have been told i left the wedding with my dancing buddy and headed in to town.

    I woke up in the morning with someone i have never seen in my life with two empty wine bottles by my bed and a hangover that could have killed me. The first thing she said to me was 'I need to tell you the truth. I lied, i have got a boyfriend, sorry.'

    So that was a disaster. I have no recollection of anything after the wedding. My mate is no help either as he can not even remember most of the night.

    The groom phoned me up in the afternoon and said that he loved his day and thought everything i did was ace and livened the do up. So not all bad i suppose.

    All in all i have decided that i need to calm it down and stop being a twat when i go out. So i am having a quiet one this weekend. :roll:
  14. And this came as a complete shock to you? :roll: :wink: :D

    Worse thing I ever did at a wedding was to speak, I always knew my mouth would drop me in it. I said "I WILL".
    B*stard. :oops: :cry: :twisted:
  15. Me I been married 8 times addicted to wedding cake all mingers as well
  16. Eight times? Fcukin hell, did you not work out a better chat up line to get your leg over?
    You poor cnut I wouldn't wish that on a labour MP. 8O :cry: :cry: :wink:

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