Warfare Officer

2_deck_dash

War Hero
"0330ish - stick my head in the Ship Control Centre to ask the Marine Engineers about the equipment, any limitations etc" I have never, ever seen this done in my entire 27 years. Only X, Navs or the big dipper have popped in the SCC during my time.

As the QM/BM, I used to regularly pop into the MCR prior to going on watch, if only to remind the stokers that they were a bunch of ***** and laugh at the HQ1 watchkeeper because he had the shittest job in NATO.
 

Ninja_Stoker

War Hero
Moderator
Yeah, seen loads of lads come into the SCC/MCR for social visits, but never the ongoing OOW.
Yep SCC/HQ1 watchkeeper, always the target for the late night reveller wishing to debrief a captive audience on their night's achievements and an offer of a bite on the mandatory fiery kebab.

Funny how kebabs just don't appeal when sober.
 

2_deck_dash

War Hero
Totally off thread but ATG's account has inspired me to write my own, from the point of view of a Warfare JR.

0330 - Receive a terror shake from the outgoing Bosun's Mate, the bloke I shall be relieving shortly. If he is a good lad he might have a lukewarm wet for me, if he's a **** he might have awoken me by electrocuting me with a BM80. It's usually the latter. Go back to sleep for 5 minutes until I can hear the QM crashing around.

0335 - Jump out of my rack, scrabble around in the dark trying to find my stuff without waking up any of the other 50 or so lads, fail miserably when the ship rolls and I trip over, landing on top of the killick of the mess who then wakes up and punches me in the throat.


0340 - Have a very quick piss and a quick top half dhobi to try and wake up a bit. Vigorous brushing of teeth removes some of the stench of alcohol on my breath. It was a heavy night in the mess last night and I only stopped drinking 3 hours ago.


0345 - 0745 - "On watch" carry out a handover similar to the OOW's taking into account all aspects of the mechanical state of the ship. The OOW might be in charge of the ship itself and where it is in the ocean, but I'm definitely in charge of the wheel and engines. The outgoing QM/BM will reel off the ship's bearing, engine states, RPM of each engine, plus a load of other shit. I repeat this back to him in order to confirm that I understand, finally saying "I have the wheel" this confirms to everyone on the bridge that 2_Deck_Dash is now driving (God ******* help them). At the same time the Ops Room will have also handed over, using a microphone on the console, I speak to them confirming weather states and radar states. We try to reel it off as quickly as possible in order to stitch each other up and make them miss something. For the next four hours the QM and I take it in turns on the wheel, while one steers, the other looks out of the window looking for other ships on the horizon. If the weather is good you can go out on the bridge wing for a sneaky tab. When the OOW wants to change direction or speed, he will tell you what to do and you simply turn the wheel or adjust the revs of the engines accordingly. Mostly the four hours are spent ditting on, about half way through the watch you will probably have to go and make the wets. At 0700 you will pipe call the hands and either you, the QM or OOW will give a little dit over the main broadcast, something like "Good morning HMS Hoopstretcher, Bosun's Mate speaking, it's a glorious day outside, with light airs and temperatures well in the 20s. We are currently 100 miles off the coast of Somalia and will be docking in beautiful Sallalah later this evening, there is also a RAS this afternoon with RFA Dangleberry which I'm sure you will all enjoy. So wakey wakey hands off snakey."


0745 - Your relief should be on the bridge by now, you'll carry out a handover as before. The skipper will probably also be on the bridge now, giving you a bollocking for the sarcastic nature of your call the hands speech.

0755 - Get off the bridge, snaffle some cold leftover scran if the chefs have bothered to save you any. Go for a shower only to be told to **** off by the lads who are now cleaning it, use the Senior Rate's shower instead, get a bollocking "what the **** are you doing in the Senior Rate's shower?" Clean the mess for about half an hour.

0830 - Turn up on your part of ship, receive a bollocking for being late, even though you told your PO yesterday that you had the morning on the bridge. As punishment for being late you get the wets in, before spending the morning stripping back and painting something that you only stripped back and painted two days before.

1000 - Stand easy. Queue for ten minutes at the NAAFI for a warm can of Coke and some crisps, finally get to the front of the queue to find a very limited choice because the fat wren in front of you has just spent 45 quid, emptying the NAAFI shelves. Walk away with an out of date bottle of Panda Lemonade and a Chinese version of a pot noodle because that is all that the fat bitch left for you.

1015 - Sit down the mess eating your shitty pot noodle while watching 10 minutes of a scratched DVD featuring Arnie.

1016 - Have your stand easy cut short when they pipe "Away Seaboat." It's alright you didn't like the pot noodle anyway and someone else will finish it for you.

1020 - Arrive to launch the seaboat and find that apart from a few IST Junior Officers, you are the only **** who has turned up. Receive a bollocking on behalf of everyone else for not being there. Launch the seaboat by yourself, while the ISTs watch and generally get in the way.

1029 - Run back down the mess to find someone has eaten the remains of your pot noodle and left it on the side. Receive a bollocking from the killick of the mess for leaving gash loafing, as punishment you get sent up fwd to collect the laundry for the entire mess.

1035 - Turn to on your part of ship again, receive a bollocking for being late, explain you got jiffed to collect the laundry, get punched for answering back. Spend the rest of the morning doing more painting.

1145 - Scran time. Grab an onion and tuna roll (notice I put onion first, this is an accurate reflection of the roll's contents) because you don't fancy eating last night's curry blended into soup. Try to grab an extra one for your killick because he couldn't be arsed to go up to the galley himself. Get caught by the PO chef and receive a bollocking, ordered to go to the back of the queue. Queue for 20 mins to get another roll, find all the tuna ones have now gone so you have to grab the secondary option (cold roast lamb and cheese anyone?). Return to the mess were the killick then steals your roll because you failed to get one for him. Receive a bollocking because it's not tuna like he asked for. Go hungry while you watch some more of the Arnie film.

1225 - Lunch is cut short when they pipe "prepare for RAS."

1230 - Spend the rest of the afternoon stood on the upperdeck in blistering sun while wearing full ovies and anti flash. It's very important for safety. Watch as the lads on the RFA do the exact same thing as you but wearing shorts, negative tops. Pull a rope occasionally when told too, generally get bored and sweaty.

1500 - Stand easy again - but not for you ********, you're doing the RAS.

1600 - Finish the RAS, stow everything away. head down the mess, queue for a shower, when you eventually get in there is no hot water left. Change into 3s/5s.

1630 - Clean the mess.

1730 - Scran, queue up for onion and beef stew and chips (notice the order of the ingredients again). Eat it with a spoon because there aren't any clean forks left.

1800 - Rounds. Stand about for ages waiting for an officer to come and inspect the mess, wait for half an hour before you hear the pipe "do you hear there, tonight's rounds will be working rounds." This means an officer isn't coming because he can't be arsed. Do some more cleaning instead.

1900 - Get in the fridge, drink as many cans of lager as you possibly can before 2200 when the fridge closes. Vote to watch a movie, regardless of the result of the vote, the Arnie film gets put on again because one of the killicks missed the beginning of it earlier. Just as the best bit of the film is coming up, get called up to the Ops room by the Chops (R) for a chat.

2000 - Go to the Ops room, one of the wrens is on the blob and feeling unwell, congratulations you have been jiffed to cover her watch. Spend the next 4 hours staring at an empty radar screen and drinking tea.

2359 - Go to bed, the other lads have opened the fridge with the spare key and are still pissing up. Oasis's 'Slide Away' is being played on repeat at full volume. Your rack is next to the mess square so you get to appreciate every single note of Noel Gallagher's musical genius while trying to sleep.
 
N

NewNewbie

Guest
NewNewbie

How far into the application process are you?

I've just started my application. I've been to a careers presentation and have asked to receive the application pack and am now deliberating over the "officer application questionnaire".
 
N

NewNewbie

Guest
Totally off thread but ATG's account has inspired me to write my own, from the point of view of a Warfare JR.

0330 - Receive a terror shake from the outgoing Bosun's Mate, the bloke I shall be relieving shortly. If he is a good lad he might have a lukewarm wet for me, if he's a **** he might have awoken me by electrocuting me with a BM80. It's usually the latter. Go back to sleep for 5 minutes until I can hear the QM crashing around.

0335 - Jump out of my rack, scrabble around in the dark trying to find my stuff without waking up any of the other 50 or so lads, fail miserably when the ship rolls and I trip over, landing on top of the killick of the mess who then wakes up and punches me in the throat.


0340 - Have a very quick piss and a quick top half dhobi to try and wake up a bit. Vigorous brushing of teeth removes some of the stench of alcohol on my breath. It was a heavy night in the mess last night and I only stopped drinking 3 hours ago.


0345 - 0745 - "On watch" carry out a handover similar to the OOW's taking into account all aspects of the mechanical state of the ship. The OOW might be in charge of the ship itself and where it is in the ocean, but I'm definitely in charge of the wheel and engines. The outgoing QM/BM will reel off the ship's bearing, engine states, RPM of each engine, plus a load of other shit. I repeat this back to him in order to confirm that I understand, finally saying "I have the wheel" this confirms to everyone on the bridge that 2_Deck_Dash is now driving (God ******* help them). At the same time the Ops Room will have also handed over, using a microphone on the console, I speak to them confirming weather states and radar states. We try to reel it off as quickly as possible in order to stitch each other up and make them miss something. For the next four hours the QM and I take it in turns on the wheel, while one steers, the other looks out of the window looking for other ships on the horizon. If the weather is good you can go out on the bridge wing for a sneaky tab. When the OOW wants to change direction or speed, he will tell you what to do and you simply turn the wheel or adjust the revs of the engines accordingly. Mostly the four hours are spent ditting on, about half way through the watch you will probably have to go and make the wets. At 0700 you will pipe call the hands and either you, the QM or OOW will give a little dit over the main broadcast, something like "Good morning HMS Hoopstretcher, Bosun's Mate speaking, it's a glorious day outside, with light airs and temperatures well in the 20s. We are currently 100 miles off the coast of Somalia and will be docking in beautiful Sallalah later this evening, there is also a RAS this afternoon with RFA Dangleberry which I'm sure you will all enjoy. So wakey wakey hands off snakey."


0745 - Your relief should be on the bridge by now, you'll carry out a handover as before. The skipper will probably also be on the bridge now, giving you a bollocking for the sarcastic nature of your call the hands speech.

0755 - Get off the bridge, snaffle some cold leftover scran if the chefs have bothered to save you any. Go for a shower only to be told to **** off by the lads who are now cleaning it, use the Senior Rate's shower instead, get a bollocking "what the **** are you doing in the Senior Rate's shower?" Clean the mess for about half an hour.

0830 - Turn up on your part of ship, receive a bollocking for being late, even though you told your PO yesterday that you had the morning on the bridge. As punishment for being late you get the wets in, before spending the morning stripping back and painting something that you only stripped back and painted two days before.

1000 - Stand easy. Queue for ten minutes at the NAAFI for a warm can of Coke and some crisps, finally get to the front of the queue to find a very limited choice because the fat wren in front of you has just spent 45 quid, emptying the NAAFI shelves. Walk away with an out of date bottle of Panda Lemonade and a Chinese version of a pot noodle because that is all that the fat bitch left for you.

1015 - Sit down the mess eating your shitty pot noodle while watching 10 minutes of a scratched DVD featuring Arnie.

1016 - Have your stand easy cut short when they pipe "Away Seaboat." It's alright you didn't like the pot noodle anyway and someone else will finish it for you.

1020 - Arrive to launch the seaboat and find that apart from a few IST Junior Officers, you are the only **** who has turned up. Receive a bollocking on behalf of everyone else for not being there. Launch the seaboat by yourself, while the ISTs watch and generally get in the way.

1029 - Run back down the mess to find someone has eaten the remains of your pot noodle and left it on the side. Receive a bollocking from the killick of the mess for leaving gash loafing, as punishment you get sent up fwd to collect the laundry for the entire mess.

1035 - Turn to on your part of ship again, receive a bollocking for being late, explain you got jiffed to collect the laundry, get punched for answering back. Spend the rest of the morning doing more painting.

1145 - Scran time. Grab an onion and tuna roll (notice I put onion first, this is an accurate reflection of the roll's contents) because you don't fancy eating last night's curry blended into soup. Try to grab an extra one for your killick because he couldn't be arsed to go up to the galley himself. Get caught by the PO chef and receive a bollocking, ordered to go to the back of the queue. Queue for 20 mins to get another roll, find all the tuna ones have now gone so you have to grab the secondary option (cold roast lamb and cheese anyone?). Return to the mess were the killick then steals your roll because you failed to get one for him. Receive a bollocking because it's not tuna like he asked for. Go hungry while you watch some more of the Arnie film.

1225 - Lunch is cut short when they pipe "prepare for RAS."

1230 - Spend the rest of the afternoon stood on the upperdeck in blistering sun while wearing full ovies and anti flash. It's very important for safety. Watch as the lads on the RFA do the exact same thing as you but wearing shorts, negative tops. Pull a rope occasionally when told too, generally get bored and sweaty.

1500 - Stand easy again - but not for you ********, you're doing the RAS.

1600 - Finish the RAS, stow everything away. head down the mess, queue for a shower, when you eventually get in there is no hot water left. Change into 3s/5s.

1630 - Clean the mess.

1730 - Scran, queue up for onion and beef stew and chips (notice the order of the ingredients again). Eat it with a spoon because there aren't any clean forks left.

1800 - Rounds. Stand about for ages waiting for an officer to come and inspect the mess, wait for half an hour before you hear the pipe "do you hear there, tonight's rounds will be working rounds." This means an officer isn't coming because he can't be arsed. Do some more cleaning instead.

1900 - Get in the fridge, drink as many cans of lager as you possibly can before 2200 when the fridge closes. Vote to watch a movie, regardless of the result of the vote, the Arnie film gets put on again because one of the killicks missed the beginning of it earlier. Just as the best bit of the film is coming up, get called up to the Ops room by the Chops (R) for a chat.

2000 - Go to the Ops room, one of the wrens is on the blob and feeling unwell, congratulations you have been jiffed to cover her watch. Spend the next 4 hours staring at an empty radar screen and drinking tea.

2359 - Go to bed, the other lads have opened the fridge with the spare key and are still pissing up. Oasis's 'Slide Away' is being played on repeat at full volume. Your rack is next to the mess square so you get to appreciate every single note of Noel Gallagher's musical genius while trying to sleep.

Haha, that was quite entertaining - not to say that ATG's wasn't. You seem to get "a bollocking" a lot; what constitutes to a bollocking?
 

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