Viz top tips


War Hero
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring
a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of
oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by
masturb*ting furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing
in the sink.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Spice up your s*x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your missus from
behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See
how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the
stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing
machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps
when visiting the Sahara desert.

Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.

Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.


War Hero
Ah Viz. Unfortunately since the originators of the magazine sold it (for big bucks) it has gone downhill. Never did like that Billy war fish though.

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