I got some new aftershave today that smells like bread crumbs , the birds love it! Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only. David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English. Husband says to wife ‘My Olympic condoms have arrived – I think I’ll wear gold tonight’ . Wife says ‘why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change’. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’. An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking – apparently they were Allied Carpets! On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country. The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.