Navy Net - Royal Navy Community

Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Transition to British Crown Dependency

AAV_Russ

Banned
To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation


:thumright: :thumright:
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
MoD_RSS UK Export Finance supports energy transition in Scotland MoD News 1
MoD_RSS Working together to achieve the clean energy transition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Net Zero Review publishes initial analysis of green transition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS UK Government provides £400m package for Northern Ireland in post Transition deal MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Ensuring a responsible and sustainable transition to UNITAMS MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Taxation (Post-Transition Period) Bill introduced today MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Welsh Secretary writes to businesses about EU Transition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Welsh Secretary holds events to prepare for end of EU Transition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Joint statement of the Zero Emission Vehicle Transition Council MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Making the global green energy transition a reality MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Addressing a Syrian-led political transition and the humanitarian crisis in Syria MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Govt writes to Brits in Europe before transition period ends MoD News 0
MoD_RSS UK Export Finance supports energy transition in Scotland MoD News 0
MoD_RSS New and updated guidance for businesses regarding the end of the EU Transition Period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to businesses MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the construction sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the professional and business services sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the retail sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the chemicals sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the life sciences sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the metals and other materials sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the consumer goods sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the agri-food and biosecurity sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the advanced manufacturing sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Transition period: letter to the tourism and hospitality sector MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Ports across England to receive £10 million to support Brexit transition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS EU citizens urged to take action during EU transition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS 63 days to go: Readiness webinars prompt businesses to take action for end of transition period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Government steps up plans to keep trade flowing at the end of the transition period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Welsh Secretary meets business leaders on EU transition MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Government secures critical freight flows as UK nears end of transition period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Business Secretary urges businesses to prepare for the end of the transition period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Preparations for the end of the Transition Period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS COP26 Energy Transition Council launched at Clean Energy Ministerial side event MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Helping the fishing industry transition to independence MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Major new campaign to prepare UK for end of the transition period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS UK Government will not be seeking an extension to the EU exit Transition Period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Government accelerates border planning for the end of the Transition Period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS London’s COVID-19 Transition Board meets for the first time MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Post-Transition period action deadlines extended MoD News 0
MoD_RSS £1 million to support transition to future farming system MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Intellectual property and the transition period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Defra advice for imports during the transition period MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Progress since the transition to a new government in Sudan MoD News 0
MoD_RSS UN's transition out of Haiti MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Government set to begin next phase of gender transition research MoD News 0
MoD_RSS News story: Transport Secretary leads the way in transition to a zero-emission future MoD News 0
vauxhall AFPS 15 Transition Debate Finance & Pensions 1
MoD_RSS Press release: UK and Switzerland agree to transition trade agreement after Brexit MoD News 0
MoD_RSS Speech: Green Great Britain: Climate Policy and Energy Transition MoD News 0
Similar threads


















































Latest Threads

New Posts

Top