Training a wife to a satisfactory level of service.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Rumrat, Jul 27, 2010.

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  1. Well lads I admit that having been married twice, my first attempt which lasted 10 years was somewhat of a failex.
    Whilst teaching her the requirements of a healthy male in the bedroom, I might have been a bit slack in the obedience training.
    I did develop her sexual appetite though to the highest level, that of "Ever-ready.
    In fact with the ever ready appetite for sex and the lack of obedience training, she fucked off and started shaggin anything that came along.
    So back to mark two.
    I have this replacement model highly trained and developed to such a degree I sometimes get a little smug and self satisfied.
    This is not only wrong but dangerous.
    Every now and again, like all machinery the model can malfunction, and this is manifested in what we refer to as "Nagging". In early models the obvious way forward was to bang it on the head, this did correct malfunction to a degree, but eventually the unit would either close down or have to go away for serious maintenance. Sometimes never returning.
    Now I do not agree with bashing a malfunctioning unit, I find that lubricating the outside with a special formula called Perfume, or inserting chocolate to be a far superior method. Stopping short of allowing the unit access to your credit card, as no matter how you try to train or programme, no unit has to date been able to be trained into the restraint mode.
    I have had this present model for 25 years this week and training is ongoing but thus far satisfactory. :roll: :roll: :D :wink:

    How do you train yours, and what tricks have you taught it to do?
  2. I've only been married the once and it'll be 30 years in Jan 11. As for training I prefer the cattle prod as it doesn't leave marks. I didn't really need to teach her anything as she knew her place right from the start (and I have her permission to say that).
  3. Quite simple realy. I always make sure that i have the last word in any

    It`s usualy " yes dear, no dear or of course dear but thats not the point :D
  4. I'm still in the early stages and have been training mine for just over a year. Things appear to be going well so far. The chocolate and perfume tips are both very good but I also find taking it out for a proper fill up once a month with some high octane scran seems to keep it in decent running order.

    There are a few places around that can carry out a full service and look over for a good price. Pizza Express seem to do a relatively good job for the money they charge and I recommend putting a few glasses of Champagne into it to keep it in tip top condition. A word of warning though, don't give it too much, I did once and it started to cry and get emotional, it promptly dumped the contents of it's fuel tank all over my bathroom floor. Thankfully I had previously trained it to mop floors and I had it sorting that out straight away.
  5. The occasional additive of fresh flowers also seems to ensure quiet running.
    However be careful as this sometimes activates the suspicious mode.
  6. Two unhappy marriages.

    First wife died. Second one won't.
  7. I do on reflection seem to think inadvertently I caused my first unit to malfunction.
    I did not do many of your suggested solutions to better training, or even follow my own.
    Unfortunately when I acquired my unit, I had to leave it and go and save the world from the Chinese threat in the far east. When I returned, it had been neglected for 18 months and I then had to start from scratch.
    However I returned home one evening and my ballast tank unfortunately over flowed in the night and saturated my unit. Perhaps an amount of urine may have been absorbed into the unit and corroded it.?
  8. From my point of view you need to start with the correct physical model(natural section)whatever your requirements and environment may be .So for me living dark West Wales you need the more robust model to cope with the rough mountains boggy terrain.
    Which are as follows large child bearing hips, feet size 10 minimum, preferably webbed.Arms and legs capable of carrying two 24 can cases of beer over 6 miles minimum of said terrain and the rest will come naturally. The cattle prod is a very good idea she uses it on me on Friday gimp night when she shoves me into the cupboard under the stairs. :roll:
  9. Tell us more, tell us more, tell us more, tell us dum deddum de diddly :wink: :roll:

    Didn't know I could sing did you :wink: :oops:
  10. OK but only when the nice nurse has adjusted me medication.Fck me a poet and you can sing :wink:
  11. my first wife died of alcohol...........I came home pissed and shot her.
  12. Good tip.

  13. I have similiar dreams on a regular basis :)
  14. And we are here to help you realise your dreams.
    Just tell us what ails you and we can help you move forwards. During initial training as you seem to have left it a little late we suggest you wear a steel helmet at least. I would recommend full body armour, but this inhibitive and costly.
    Good running shoes may help. :roll:
  15. I'm really pissed off. She told me that all blokes bought their girls gold and diamonds and perfume and flowers (weekly) and I never thought to question it.Am I doing something wrong?
    This has been going on for 30 years!!!
  16. OMG, you are now in possession of a rouge model and I can only suggest you take great care as to do otherwise could cause indescribable damage.

    To you. 8O

    Do you need a new model, I see there are some for sale on the internet, but they are Russian made.
  17. A couple of simple mistakes here. Firstly you must always prepare your unit for any long period when you will not be using it, much like putting car on blocks, disconnecting the battery and filling up the tank.

    I recommend buying a simple tool called a rampant rabbit, you must ease it into the unit slowly at first in order to avoid damage, use lubrication if necessary. After a while your machine will learn to work well with the rabbit and you can leave it alone with it over night. Eventually your unit will not even notice you have gone. I find it is helpful to get your mum to go and check on the unit occasionally, just to make sure it hasn't malfunctioned while it has been left unsupervised. Common faults caused by neglect include, bad temper, infidelity, increased alcohol consumption and weight gain.

    These are all simple problems that can be easily avoided with a few careful maintenance procedures.
  18. Roger 2DD i will have the surb edit the manual accordingly.
  19. Good grief,before agreeing to have your unit on a permanent basis did you not specify a test period to assess the likely running costs. :?: While I have every sympathy I feel you only have yourself to blame. :roll:

  20. Depends. It's a bloody long walk to the cemetery from my place. :oops:

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