Trafalgar 2016.

Discussion in 'Nautical Jokes' started by Grim_Reaper, Aug 31, 2016.

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  1. Sorry if you've heard this one.


    A ‘progressive’ Navy shocks the Admiral….the last line is the most important, historically.

    Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”

    Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”

    Nelson: “Hold on, this isn’t what I dictated to Flags…What’s the
    meaning of this?”

    Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

    Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or
    her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
    persuasion or disability – What gobbledygook is this for God’s sake?”

    Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal
    opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting
    “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

    Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

    Hardy: “Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
    smoke-free working environments.”

    Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
    main brace to steel the men before battle.”

    Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of
    the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

    Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
    history. We must advance with all dispatch.

    ….Report from the crow’s nest, please.”

    Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”

    Nelson: “What?”

    Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No
    harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They
    won’t let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”

    Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”

    Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck

    Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

    Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
    barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.”

    Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I
    refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of
    admiral by playing the disability card.”

    Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented
    in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

    Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
    the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

    Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
    Nelson: “What? This is mutiny!”

    Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being
    charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple
    of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

    Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish?”

    Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”

    Nelson: “We’re not?”

    Hardy: “No, Sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
    now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in
    this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for

    Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

    Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you
    saying that Sir. …You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”

    Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your

    Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
    age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your

    Nelson: “Don’t tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,
    sodomy and the lash?”

    Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban
    on corporal punishment.”

    Nelson: “What about homosexuality?”

    Hardy: “Very legal sir. Some call it an alternatve lifestyle. Some
    are demanding to have ’special’ rights if you are of that ilk, and
    if you speak ill of the behavior it may well be a hate crime.

    Nelson: “In that case………….. Kiss me, Hardy.”

    P.S. This is not a reflection of our views – it is just a joke in case the PC brigade come looking for us.
    • Old Old x 6
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Guns

    Guns War Hero Moderator

    No, never heard it. Well maybe EVERY ******* YEAR...........
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Seadog

    Seadog War Hero Moderator

    It was funny in 1806.
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Still a good one no matter how old.
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Wow your memory is good! did we have any rights back then?
  6. Nelson didn't!! ;)
    • Like Like x 2
    • Informative Informative x 1
  7. Wish I'd have thought of that one!
  8. Wrecks is on his holiday so he be refreshed, and quick of the mark, that will all change when he is back in the Yard?
  9. Goodness, doesn't the time fly? Is it a month already since this was last posted? :)
  10. That was handy. :cool:

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