Apologies if this has been done before: "order the signal Hardy" "Aye Aye Sir" "Hold on that's not what I dictated to the yeoman. What's the meaning of this?" "Sorry sir?" 'England expects every person will do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability'. What gobbledegook is this? " Admiralty policy I'm afraid Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist" "gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco" " Sorry Sir, all naval vessels have been designated smoke free working environments" " In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle" " The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the governments policy on binge drinking" " Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with if. Full speed ahead." " I think you'll find thats there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water." " Dammit man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please." " That won't be possible sir." "What?" " Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they say that the rope ladder doesn't meet the regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding has been erected." " then get me the ship's carpenter without delay>" " He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral" " Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." "Equal opportunities sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled." " Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even hear the mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card". " Actually, sir you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." " Whatever net? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." " A couple of problems there too sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging with out crash helmets, and they don't want anyone breathing too much salt- haven't you see the adverts?" " I've never heard such infamy. Ready the cannon and tell the men to engage the enemy." " The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral" " What this is mutiny" " It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill someone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on borad watching everyone like hawks" " Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" " Actually, sir, we're not." " We're not?" " No, sir, the Frenchies and the Spaniards are our European partners now. According to the common fisheries policy, we shouldn't be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." " But you must hate the Frenchman as you hate the devil." " I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary." " You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of you King." " Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules." " Don't tell me- health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" " As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu and there's a ban on corporal punishment." " what about sodomy?" " I believe it's encouraged sir." " in that case..........kiss me Hardy"