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Top Tips.

Sumo

War Hero
A couple of tips:
1) If you are a one legged person do not attend an arse kicking party.
2)Do not pop bubble wrap from any parcel from China.
3)Do not pick berries from anywhere below waist height.
4)Always make sure that your foul weather legging go over your wellies.
5)Do not take a thirty foot ladder with you if you have a draft to a submarine.
5. YOU Obviously have not seen the lower level long ladder?
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
If you cannot be arsed to purchase new batteries for your smoke detectors, then you can replace the noisy things with:
snapshotimagehandler_1874209658.jpeg
Simply stick a box to your bedroom ceiling and, should it start making a popping sound culminating in a shower of delicious hot popcorn all over your head - then it's time to get the fuck out of the house.
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
If you cannot afford a course of Botox or you are scared of needles, and really want to get rid of some wrinkles, just head off to your nearest zoo or reptile stockist and get yourself bitten by a rattlesnake.
06b06a673ea339d56eda47409f3345d9.png
Start with a hand or wrist, so as to build up a bit of immunity to the lethal venom before attempting to have the rattler sink its fangs into your forehead. You'll be as smooth as a babies arse in a month or dead in a fortnight. Because you're worth it.
 

SONAR-BENDER

War Hero
5)Do not take a thirty foot ladder with you if you have a draft to a submarine.
How about skis?

I took a pair of cross country skis to sea with me (don't ask!) and ty-wrapped them to a cable tray in the Cab Space deckhead (ceiling for those of you not yet serving. And WAFUs!) to keep them out of the way.

Skipper bimbles into Cab Space:
Chief there's a pair of skis hanging off the deckhead'
'Yes Sir'
'Roger, carry on'


I was confused - my name's not Roger.
 

slim

War Hero
Top Tip
When shopping in your local supermarket drop farts as often as you can.
Then avoid anyone who does not complain as loosing your sense of smell is a sign of having corona virus.
 

Ballistic

War Hero
 
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