A small bin bag full of luke warm dog shit hung on a short length of string from the light fitting in the centre of your kitchen will keep flies and bluebottles occupied long enough for you to prepare any raw meat for cooking or making into pies.
Going on holiday for a week? Want to come back to a home cooked meal all ready to plate up?
Simply throw a chicken, some peeled potatoes and half a bottle of sunflower oil into your tumble drier, set it on constant and off you go.
When you get back to England at half three in the morning - it's pissing down and there's no food in the house because the you turned off the fridge freezer by accident, open your tumble drier and take out all that delicious home cooked scoff.
If you only have one leg turn down any invite to an ass kicking party.
If you have a draft to a submarine do not take your forty foot ladder with you.
Always set your foulie trousers over your seaboots.
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