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Top Tips.

Jane

Midshipman
If you only have one leg turn down any invite to an ass kicking party.
If you have a draft to a submarine do not take your forty foot ladder with you.
Always set your foulie trousers over your seaboots.
 

skyvet

GCM
Instead of throwing away that old wok, paint it white and nail it to your outside wall, thus making all your neighbours think you have satellite tv!

That is all ...............
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Old satellite dishes make excellent emergency standby woks should you want to prepare a nice Chinese stir fry and you do not have a real wok in your kitchen cupboard.
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
Use an old flat screen telly as a tray to carry your recently cooked Chinese stir fry into the front room.
The ultimate TV dinner!
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Two clear plastic Chinese takeaway sweet and sour sauce containers held together with thick nicker elastic make excellent swimming goggles for people with massive heads.

23e3.jpg
 

taffscrivs

War Hero
A pair of 2 gallon plastic buckets tied together with baler twine makes an excellent brassiere for peasant women with massive tits....
 

Ballistic

War Hero
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Hotel room appliances can be easily adapted to use as cooking facilities, especially when you're bladdered and the pizza you purchased as you staggered back has gone cold.

sub-buzz-21028-1486063422-1.jpg
 

Sumo

War Hero
Hotel room appliances can be easily adapted to use as cooking facilities, especially when you're bladdered and the pizza you purchased as you staggered back has gone cold.

View attachment 49837
There is a Johnny Depp film where he irons toast, I said that's nuts, my daughter, student at time says, it works you should try it.

My son at college, to make cheese toasty, first find cheese on floor amongst dirty cloths, put cheese in dry bread, put toaster on side and cook, toaster on side to stop all cheese running out?
He asked did we want the toaster back, we said no, if it hasn't court fire by the end of summer throw it away?
 

WreckerL

War Hero
Super Moderator
There is a Johnny Depp film where he irons toast, I said that's nuts, my daughter, student at time says, it works you should try it.

My son at college, to make cheese toasty, first find cheese on floor amongst dirty cloths, put cheese in dry bread, put toaster on side and cook, toaster on side to stop all cheese running out?
He asked did we want the toaster back, we said no, if it hasn't court fire by the end of summer throw it away?
On one particular boat I was on a killick dabber tried the cheese on toast trick with the toaster on it's side.

When the toast got ejected and flew across the mess he caught it in his hand, turned to face us with a smug look in his face which changed to one of intense pain when he found out how melted cheese a) holds a high temperature and b) sticks to skin :)
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Addicted to your phone? Can't put it down for even a second? Keep up with all the trends, likes and posts..... even while dropping a log! (DO NOT forget to wipe yourself thoroughly before hauling your pants up, and don't forget to remove your phone either, otherwise the next time you answer an incoming call - it could quite possibly make you spew your ring up).

(A condition known in the medical fraternity as 'brown ear syndrome')

6-1495447566-8914.jpg
 
Last edited:

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Pay for the smallest TV package that SKY have on offer, and modify your satellite dish. Hey Presto! 15,000,000 more free channels of utter crap beamed into your living room.

1-67.jpg
 

Jane

Midshipman
A couple of tips:
1) If you are a one legged person do not attend an arse kicking party.
2)Do not pop bubble wrap from any parcel from China.
3)Do not pick berries from anywhere below waist height.
4)Always make sure that your foul weather legging go over your wellies.
5)Do not take a thirty foot ladder with you if you have a draft to a submarine.
 
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