Top Tips (things to do - because you can if you want to)
Annoy the bollocks out of the members of your local tennis club by practicing your serve, forehand, backhand, slice, smash and lob using half a dozen large jars of pickled eggs instead of tennis balls. Scotch eggs may also be used, but you'll have to hit them a bit harder in order to make a proper mess.
Worried that you may suffer from sea sickness? Got your date to go to Raleigh for your Basic Training? If you think that you may be prone to sea sickness, then here's the ultimate cure! Simply move the contents of your house, including parents, brothers, sisters and family pets on to a rented Bouncy Castle approximately 6-8 weeks before you are due to join HMS RALEIGH. Continue life (as normal), BUT also let the neighbourhood children use the Bouncy Castle for at least ten hours per day (including weekends). Have a portable toilet installed and get all shopping/essentials delivered by light jackstay transfer. After this intensive course of bouncy-ness you will be completely sea-sick free and not only that - your entire family will ALSO be able to endure any Families Day on a small ship - should the weather be absolute crap.
Wallpapering? Them corners giving you the shits? Stanley knife dragging its arse through the paper?
Can't get that perfect fu**ing straight edge? Get your tush down to Wilkinsons and buy some of these:-
A stainless steel circular pizza cutter will roll down the paper better than a blunt Stanley Knife and
hopefully - you'll experience the heavenly joy of a perfectly straight line and a couple of Brownie points.
(Also useful for removing old silicon sealant from tile edges/showers/behind the sink....and cutting pizzas). Every toolbox should contain at least three.
H&S WARNING! Don't forget to give them a bit of a sharpen on the stone that came with
your set of chisels....y'know the one you've never-ever used. The poster accepts no responsibility for the loss of fingers, thumbs or any other lumps of flesh.
Save those Chinese takeaway containers (with the plastic lids), so that the next time you order a takeaway
for delivery......scoff what you can, only to find that you've ordered too much and have shed-loads left,
you can scrape all the fu**ing plates into your spare set of Chinese takeaway plastic containers and keep
it to take away to your next fu**ing Night Shift. THEN you can ditch all the original takeaway containers
that the first load of fu**ing Chinese takeaway was delivered in and take the takeaway containers that you
took your spare takeaway away in back home.....sling it in the dishwasher and wait until you over fu**ing
order your next Chinese takeaway and fill the clean takeaway containers with the left over takeaway from
the next takeaway you take away.
Repeat this until you are dead - or the wife buys some quid microwave meals from Iceland.
If you take 1.13mm off the circumference of a standard size McVities Digestive biscuit with a junior hacksaw, you will find that they will fit inside a standard tea/coffee mug and should therefore dunk perfectly. All crumbs can be saved and over a period of time, you will have enough to make the crunchy base for a cheese cake.