Top Tips.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by taffscrivs, Aug 27, 2014.

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  1. Anyone have a tip to share with the troops? Any kind you like, useful, useless, lifesaving (or threatening), rude, rubbish, anything at all. There must be some belters out there!
  2. Don't place a bet on a horse with three legs.
  3. Don't eat yellow snow

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  4. Ageing_Gracefully

    Ageing_Gracefully War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Asparagus, served with melted slightly salty butter. Top tips.
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  5. Don't believe drafty, that draft is NOT in your best interests.
  6. When Chiefy sends the class leader away with a "March the class back to your block" always remember - Chiefy was a Junior rate once, and his class was caught not marching too!
  7. If you can't afford a flat simply get pregnant 3 times and get a 3 bedroom house bills paid.....sponsored by The Lazy Legs Open Society :)

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  8. If you run out of printer paper, just put your last sheet in the photocopier and make as many copies as you like.
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  9. If your asked to do Fog Watch, do it, it's not a bite.

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  10. redmonkey

    redmonkey Badgeman Book Reviewer

    Remove your beret from down the back of your trousers before dropping said trousers for a shit.

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  11. AAF

    AAF War Hero

    You can not gargle with sand , baby kack on the other hand....
  12. Go Ugly Early. Why wait for that 8 when you could have had two f0urs and a three....
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  13. Top Tips (things to do - because you can if you want to)
    Annoy the bollocks out of the members of your local tennis club by practicing your serve, forehand, backhand, slice, smash and lob using half a dozen large jars of pickled eggs instead of tennis balls. Scotch eggs may also be used, but you'll have to hit them a bit harder in order to make a proper mess.

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  14. Worried that you may suffer from sea sickness? Got your date to go to Raleigh for your Basic Training? If you think that you may be prone to sea sickness, then here's the ultimate cure! Simply move the contents of your house, including parents, brothers, sisters and family pets on to a rented Bouncy Castle approximately 6-8 weeks before you are due to join HMS RALEIGH. Continue life (as normal), BUT also let the neighbourhood children use the Bouncy Castle for at least ten hours per day (including weekends). Have a portable toilet installed and get all shopping/essentials delivered by light jackstay transfer. After this intensive course of bouncy-ness you will be completely sea-sick free and not only that - your entire family will ALSO be able to endure any Families Day on a small ship - should the weather be absolute crap.

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    Last edited: Aug 28, 2014
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  15. Sensible head on:-

    Wallpapering? Them corners giving you the shits? Stanley knife dragging its arse through the paper?
    Can't get that perfect fu**ing straight edge? Get your tush down to Wilkinsons and buy some of these:-


    A stainless steel circular pizza cutter will roll down the paper better than a blunt Stanley Knife and
    hopefully - you'll experience the heavenly joy of a perfectly straight line and a couple of Brownie points.
    (Also useful for removing old silicon sealant from tile edges/showers/behind the sink....and cutting pizzas). Every toolbox should contain at least three.
    H&S WARNING! Don't forget to give them a bit of a sharpen on the stone that came with
    your set of chisels....y'know the one you've never-ever used. The poster accepts no responsibility for the loss of fingers, thumbs or any other lumps of flesh.

    Last edited: Aug 28, 2014
  16. Sour cream and crushed blackberries mixed together makes an excellent artificial bird shit for flicking onto your neighbour's car ten minutes after he's washed and polished it...
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  17. Save those Chinese takeaway containers (with the plastic lids), so that the next time you order a takeaway
    for delivery......scoff what you can, only to find that you've ordered too much and have shed-loads left,
    you can scrape all the fu**ing plates into your spare set of Chinese takeaway plastic containers and keep
    it to take away to your next fu**ing Night Shift. THEN you can ditch all the original takeaway containers
    that the first load of fu**ing Chinese takeaway was delivered in and take the takeaway containers that you
    took your spare takeaway away in back it in the dishwasher and wait until you over fu**ing
    order your next Chinese takeaway and fill the clean takeaway containers with the left over takeaway from
    the next takeaway you take away.

    Repeat this until you are dead - or the wife buys some quid microwave meals from Iceland.
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2014
  18. exJenny

    exJenny War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

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  19. If you take 1.13mm off the circumference of a standard size McVities Digestive biscuit with a junior hacksaw, you will find that they will fit inside a standard tea/coffee mug and should therefore dunk perfectly. All crumbs can be saved and over a period of time, you will have enough to make the crunchy base for a cheese cake.
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  20. tipsoftheweek_8ausspeak.jpg
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