Tonic time

On the basis that we all need a chear up since RJ threw out his rattle I have lifteed this from another forum I frequent.

"A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texan girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Texan girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, ‘In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
'God Bless Texas'"

Courtesy of the Lounge YBW
The Return of the Prodigal Daughter. (or Eire on a G-String)

The daughter of the house had been away from her family in Cork for over 5 years.

Upon her return home to see her family, she was accosted by her father: "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write to us, not even a postcard to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You wee bugger. Don't you know what you put me and your Mammy through?"

The girl, crying, replied: "Dad; I became a prostitute."

"What?" shrieked her father. "Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family. I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad, as you wish", she replied.

“I just came back to say hello and to give you all some special presents, as a thank you for all you had done for, and have meant to me, over the yearsâ€. “Let me just pass on these gifts to you all. Mum, for you I have this luxury fur coat and here too are the title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion in County Kerry. The details are all hereâ€.
“I also have, for you, this savings account certificate for 3 million Eurosâ€.

“For you, Tim, my little brother, I have this gold Rolex watchâ€.

Then turning to her father she said, “for you Daddy, you'll find a spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible parked outsideâ€. “I've also arranged, for you, lifetime membership to the Country Club near Mum's new mansionâ€.

Reaching into her handbag, she then said; “finally, here is an invitation, to you all to spend Christmas on board my new yacht on the Riviera."

The daughter's father then coughed loudly and spluttered: "Now what was it you said you had become?"

The girl, crying again, wails: "A prostitute, Dad!"

Her father threw his arms open and said, with a tear in his eye, "God bless us and save us! You scared me half to death girl! I thought you said a Protestant! Come here and give your old Daddy a hug."
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Andy_Cap Diamond Lil's 5

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