kingoftwigs
War Hero
Saw these, made me laugh, thought I'd share! :smile:
>TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS
>
>1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of
>them would have seen it.
>
>2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
>press The hash key..."
>
>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
>shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
>any.
>
>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't
>Reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."
>
>6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
>
>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted:
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you
>can't, I've Cut your arms off".
>
>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
>
>9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
>craft, It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
>heat it.
>
>10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
>hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
>11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
>says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
>12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
>Like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not unusual."
>
>13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
>anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
>him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
>cross-eyed? "
>"No, because he's really heavy"
>
>14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
>backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."
>
>15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
>
>16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
>17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
>me A lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
>it.'
>
>18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
>in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or
>my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
>Colin.
>
>19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
>One says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>
>20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
>The other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
>Left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
>nice."
>
>22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
>places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>
>23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
>two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
>Workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
>as digging continues into the night
>TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS
>
>1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of
>them would have seen it.
>
>2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
>press The hash key..."
>
>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
>shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
>any.
>
>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't
>Reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."
>
>6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
>
>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted:
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you
>can't, I've Cut your arms off".
>
>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
>
>9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
>craft, It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
>heat it.
>
>10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
>hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
>11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
>says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
>12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
>Like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not unusual."
>
>13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
>anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
>him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
>cross-eyed? "
>"No, because he's really heavy"
>
>14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
>backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."
>
>15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
>
>16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
>17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
>me A lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
>it.'
>
>18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
>in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or
>my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
>Colin.
>
>19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
>One says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>
>20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
>The other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
>Left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
>nice."
>
>22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
>places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>
>23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
>two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
>Workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
>as digging continues into the night
