Tommy Cooper

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by kingoftwigs, Mar 20, 2007.

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  1. Saw these, made me laugh, thought I'd share! :smile:

    >1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of
    >them would have seen it.
    >2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
    >press The hash key..."
    >3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
    >shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
    >4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
    >5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't
    >Reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."
    >6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
    >7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted:
    >"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you
    >can't, I've Cut your arms off".
    >8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
    >9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
    >craft, It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
    >heat it.
    >10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
    >hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
    >11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
    >says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
    >12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds
    >Like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not unusual."
    >13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
    >anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
    >him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
    >Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
    >cross-eyed? "
    >"No, because he's really heavy"
    >14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
    >backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."
    >15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
    >16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
    >17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
    >me A lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
    >18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
    >in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or
    >my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
    >19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
    >One says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
    >20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
    >The other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
    >21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
    >Left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
    >22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
    >places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
    >23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
    >two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
    >Workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
    >as digging continues into the night
  2. good man he was toooo.....
  3. :lol:

    Fantastic, saw him live in Chatham back in the 70s, along with the camp comic Larry Grayson (Shut that door/Slack Alice etc), nearly wet myself...!!

  4. Saw TC in Torquay and people were walking out of the show in breathing distress and the St John's Ambulance Brigade were trying to get them sorted out in the lobby. The funniest man I ever saw.

    Meanwhile in Belfast Bob Monkhouse put on a show for the troops and after the warm-up comic had left the stage he reached for the mike and got a little electric shock. He said "I think that's live" and an old 3 Badge Booty yells out "Well stick it up your arris and make your eyes light up". Brought the house down and even Monkhouse was laughing...

    And back to TC > Went home and the wife was crying.....she said the dog's eaten your dinner...............that's alright luv....we can get another dog..

  5. TC was a brilliant comedian and used to have me in stitches.

    One of his jokes still makes me giggle whenever I think of it.

    Here goes.

    "I've been on one of those whisky diets....I lost 2 weeks recently"
  6. I asked the doctor to give me something for wind..............he said "Here - have a kite".
  7. wife and I met him about a week before he died. What struck me was the size of his feet........bloody enormous. Best dit I heard about him was from a london taxi driver who said TC was chatting to him as a fare and when he alighted TC said to the driver "here you are son, have a drink on me" as he slipped something into the drivers top coat pocket. Turned out to be a teabag!!!!!!! :lol:

  8. Nice 6-Bolt Seibe-Gorman there as an Avatar Exile!

    When I saw TC at Torquay his foot was in a plaster-cast because he had trapped it in a beach-chair he was trying to you said enormous plates.

  9. Saw him on the pier at Blackpool......
    ..nothing on stage but a gate...TC comes on opens gate and walks through..
    he never said a word for about 15 mins...just doing his tricks... my sides ached.
  10. I've got the DVD of all his finest moments. The man was a comic genius and along with Eric Morecambe, is sadly missed.
  11. Never liked him at all
  12. Just like that hahaha , :lol: :lol:
  13. TC:
    "I thought I was rich! At home I found a Stradavarius and a Van Gough.
    Unfortunatley, Stradavarius couldn't paint, and Van Gough couldn't make violins"
  14. I had a red fez once!
  15. I put £10 on a horse at ten to came in, at half past three :razz:

  16. What a Genious he was , :lol: :lol: did'nt even have to say anything , just like that , brilliant , :lol:
  17. I was staying in a hotel in Torquay. I sliped a tip to the night porter to sneak a girl in. You had to do things like that in those days. We were creeping along to the lift when a mate of mine called out. He was drinking in the bar with a small group including TC. Never did get the girl up to the room but still a very entertaining night and TC paid for all the drinks.

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