Toilet paper emergency!

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by MaiBelle, May 17, 2013.

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  1. Venezuela running out of toilet paper - Telegraph

    Apparently in Venezuela there is a toilet paper shortage...now if ever I travel somewhere I think loo paper might be an issue I've always carried some just in case.

    My question to the RR populus is - what's your luxury item when you have limited bag space?
     
  2. Blackrat

    Blackrat War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Bag space?
     
  3. Life's a shit!!!
     
  4. Civvy's if a foreign jolly was on the cards.
     
  5. Blimey - thought you'd been on the 'Cornish Rattler' as well.

    It makes one *ahem* splatter.
     
  6. A dit that I posted some time ago in the Phantom thread:

    Not a dit about the Phantom as such but one that is vaguely related as it is about shit, yes I said shit, this is a shit dit that happened to me this very morning.

    After an epic weekend of drunken japery which included going to watch Chelsea vs Everton on Saturday, courtesy of Tickets for Troops, and bumping into my old Chief. I also went to see Russell Howard at Wembley last night which was awesome.

    Anyway I digress. After much liquid refreshment and the weekend's healthy diet of a kebab, Dominoes Pizza, half a roast dinner at my Nan's and some cheese on toast, it all caught up with me this morning and I had to carry out a full unload in the 'executive lounge' at work.

    As I ran into the bog and sat down I let out the biggest, greasiest, most foul, grotty Bungle's finger I have ever encountered in my life, had it not been for it's sloppy consistency, I surely would've removed it and had it mounted on a plaque. Anyway after I had finished congratulating myself, I started the cleanup operation and reached for the ass wipes.

    I took a nice fistful of Andrex and began what I hoped would be a fairly simple course of events. Unfortunately I hadn't bargained on there being a small nugget left dangling from one of my arse hairs and as I wiped my slightly stinging hoop I managed to smear this offending straggler all over myself. Somehow I had manged to smear shit up my back, all over my crack, accross both arse cheeks and all along my twern and over my balls.

    As I tried to wipe it away I simply smeared it further around and as I neared the last sheet of bog roll I realised I was in some serious trouble. I sat there for a moment wallowing in my own self pity and shit whilst trying to work out a plan of action. I waited for a quiet moment and snuck into the next cubicle, trousers around my ankles with my shirt held under my chin as not to let it hang in the horror that was smeared all up my back. I grabbed another roll of Andrex and started to work my way through that as well.

    Slowly but surely I started to get somewhere and as the shit started to dry, less and less residue apeared on the paper. It was far from over however, I knew that unless I had a dhobi quickly I would have that uncomfortable sticky feeling for the rest of the day, not to mention writing off another pair of Calvin Kleins.

    I realised that there were other people in the other cubicles now so rushing to the sink for a quick bum dhobi was well and truly out of the question. Thinking on my feet, I lifted the lid off the cistern and climbed up to give my balloon knot a cooling dip. It wasn't by any means comfortable but I managed to remove nearly all the residue and used the remaining bog roll and the middle pages from a discarded copy of the Sun to dry off and clean up.

    I left the cubicle feeling fresh and comfortable and went back to my desk feeling content and happy. Another successful mission on my part and some valuable lessons learned in the process.
     
    • Like Like x 5
  7. That is the best thread drift ever. Have a like.
     
  8. It can drift as far as it likes as long as it's amusing...

    ...and keep in mind I have a very low amusement threshold :)
     
  9. Mustve been a posh firm, the outfit I worked for had that greaseproof stuff that came in little green boxes, we called it John Wayne, cos it took no shit from anybody
     
  10. We used to call it Admiralty Brown
     
  11. They need... shitbegone.jpg :laughing3:
     
  12. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Another repeat, but worthy of a mention - especially given how much time many of us spend in the cubicles... :shock: :wink:

     
  13. I was on glasgow in 83 we were having trouble catching up with our r.f.a. Hence we had a few shortages,bog paper was one. We were rationed to 3 sheets,one upper.one downer and one shiner.it was the only time daily orders were useful.
     

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