Toilet humour

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by BillyNoMates, Jun 5, 2015.

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  1. The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I went into one that had two bogs.
    One of the bog doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trollies and sat
    down.
    Suddenly and without warning, a voice came from the toilet next to me:
    "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
    Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied
    "Not too bad thanks."
    After a short pause, I heard the voice again,
    "So, what are you up to?"
    Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly,
    "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"
    The next thing I heard him say was
    "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. There's some cunt in the crapper next to me answering everything I say.'


    My check up.

    I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
    She said I had to stop wanking.
    When I asked why, she said,
    "Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure"

    World of Sport.

    I was asked to run a marathon once and I said,
    "No chance - I'm not as fit as I used to be"
    Then I was told it was for spastics and blind kids and I thought,
    "Fuck it - why not?. I could win that."

    Road rage.

    This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car in front of me at a set of traffic lights.
    I must admit - I wasn't really paying too much attention.
    The driver of the other car got out and I could see that he was a dwarf.
    He came storming over to my drivers side window yelling,
    "I'm not fucking happy!"
    Being irritable, tired and not looking forward to another day at work I looked down at him and said,
    "Well, which one of the seven are you then?"
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2015
    • Funny Funny x 4
  2. Have a funny. But only for 2 & 3. Heard 1 and 4 before.

    Never happy . . . and no, I am not one of the other six either.
     
  3. Two repair men were walking along examining the railway track for defects, chatting casually.
    "I had a great shag near here the other day," said one of them,
    "A great girl, she had a lovely body and the longest smoothest legs you can imagine. Gagging for it she was. The best sex I've had in years!"
    "Well," said the other,
    "She must have been a bit of a dog to go with you. What did she look like? Blonde hair I suppose?"
    "Dunno," said the first repair man,
    "I couldn't find her head."
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
  4. An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window:

    'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

    "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
    "Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.
    The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
    "Can I help you sir?' he says.
    "Yes you can you fucking fat arsed piece of shite, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"
    The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.
    At the end the thrilled barman cries,
    "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?"
    "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' "
    "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "Err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?"
    "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears.
    The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title.
    "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' "
    "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"
    "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".
    "Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience."
    "Fuck it", says the pianist, "Why cunting not?"
    On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
    During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
    After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him.
    "Hi" she says.
    "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
    She leans over and whispers in his ear,
    "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
    Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says,
    "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
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