To liven things up... :-)

I didn't think this was good advice; http://roflsaurus.com/users/public/w42728problems49.jpg

w42728problems49.jpg
 
AfterSSE said:
TESTICULATING:
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed, or a
project failed, and exactly who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and
everybody and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS:
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement - by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and peoples' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.

MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whining all the time.

XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for nicking free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE:
The rarified organisational layers that start just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes. (This should be familiar to everyone here)

404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document could not be located).

OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule moment in time when you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've just hit 'reply all').

WOOFies:
Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING:

Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the ensuing sounds of dismay and disgust. Usually leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.



One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in
a very sex nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
***********************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the darn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
***********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.
***********************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more! butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
HE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."

That polish one is great :w00t:
 

aussiepint

War Hero
I must have needed cheering up today, or overtired from night duty but I have just laughed my spleen up reading this thread! Cheers gang :thumright:
 
Murphy walks into a pub, sits down at the bar, and asks, 'Who'll buy me a drink?' Everyone says, 'Fcuk off Murphy, buy your own.' Disgruntled, Murphy declares, 'If I get up and sing a song through my arse, will someone buy me a drink?' 'No way, now your're just talking through your arse,' they all reply. Murphy keeps on whining about singing a song, till the Barman chips in, 'Alright Murphy, if you get up and sing a song through your arse, I'll give you a drink.'
So Murphy climbs up onto the bar, drops his trousers, bends over, and drops the biggest, dirtiest ,stinking turd anyone had ever seen.
'Murphy, you dirty bas*$%d, what the fcuk do think your doing, shiting all over the bar?!!'
'What?!' exclaims Murphy. 'Even Pavorotti has to clear his throat!'
 

terry_rice

Lantern Swinger
Mick and Paddy reading headstones near a church, Mick says "**** me, there's a bloke here , who was 152." Paddy says" What was is name" Mick says, " Miles, from London"
 

AfterSSE

War Hero
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have
passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass
it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the
words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
"Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call
center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

=========================


It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. That made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problems with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll her window down.

The driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver said that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.
 

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