To liven things up... :-)

AfterSSE

War Hero
TESTICULATING:
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed, or a
project failed, and exactly who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and
everybody and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS:
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement - by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and peoples' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.

MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whining all the time.

XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for nicking free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE:
The rarified organisational layers that start just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes. (This should be familiar to everyone here)

404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document could not be located).

OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule moment in time when you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've just hit 'reply all').

WOOFies:
Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING:

Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the ensuing sounds of dismay and disgust. Usually leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.



One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in
a very sex nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
***********************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the darn lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
***********************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
and the other is a husband.
***********************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
************************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
************************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more! butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful ... CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
HE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."
 

agrippa

Badgeman
ROYAL MARINES OFFICERS/WARRANT OFFICERS AND SNCO's.

You know you're institutionalised when :

You think that a checked shirt, (tucked in),chinos and brown shoes look "casual" on someone under the age of 40 !

You wouldn't dream of buying a shirt with either a breast pocket or button cuffs....

You feel slightly guilty when you are at home and see news footage from places you once served in....

You use target indication to point out fit chicks....

You use the term "chicks".....

You insist on dancing like a t*t, whilst your civi mates insist on trying to dance normally....

You don't understand why your civi mates won't go on the p*ss mid-week....

Your civi mates don't understand any of the terminology you use, such as "no-dramas", "squared away", "fill your boots" etc.......

You can't help saying "Roger, wait out ", "Say again" and other snappy bits of voice procedure when talking to civis who think you are probably a bit mad...... you quite like it that they think you're a bit mad.........

You use acronyms, thinking that your civi mates will understand what you are talking about....

You don't have any civi mates....

Your Facebook profile photo is one of you on Ops, in combats, body armour with a rifle, as if it makes you look cool and no one else in the Marines has been there!...

You cringe and mutter under your breath "haircut", when you see men with long hair ....

You walk at a ridiculous pace and are physically incapable of walking at the shopping pace of your wife/girlfriend...

You refer to personal organisation as "Admin"...

Your wife/girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as "0"...

Your wife/girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as "HQ"...

You use patrol hand signals in a night club if people can't hear you....

The idea of training shoes as leisure wear is anathema to you....

You wouldn't dream of polishing a pair of shoes with just one brush. Seperate on and off brushes a must.....

You always use the 24hr clock...

You have flashbacks of being cold, wet and miserable every time you see a pack of Rollo's....

Nothing servicemen do shocks you any more....

You can't watch programmes such as "Ultimate Force"/ "Soldier Soldier", without giving a running commentary, including " He didn't forward assist!", "Look at the state of Ross Kemps' webbing !"...

Whenever you spell something out, you use the phenetic alphabet....

You wouldn't dream of using Kiwi liquid polish...

You wouldn't trust any woman to iron your rig...

You point, using all four fingers...

You think not shaving is a "treat"...

You feel guilty if you havn't shaved at weekends...

You get really irritated when people you don't know call you "mate"

The mere mention of CTC sends you into a 2 hour conversation on how the log was heavier, the log race longer, you didn't have duvets, you carried the GPMG on the march and shoot, and someone in your intake died during phys...

You can read the Silverman's catalogue from cover to cover and refer to anything useful as "a Gucci" bit of kit....

You don't think it's strange to have coat-hangers with your name on...

Your blood boils when you see civis wearing DPM...

You don't talk to your family at breakfast, because you're reading your "telegraph"...

You come out in a cold sweat if you find yourself still working after lunch on a Friday...

You have to stop work at 1000hrs for a dutchies or jimmys or you might not make it to lunchtime...

At least half your DVD collection are war movies...

Even though your disposable income is twice that of a civi,you still manage to spend it all,every month, with nothing to show for it, about a week after you've told your soldiers you can't believe how much they waste on the p*ss...

You feel guilty about wearing jeans in front of senior officers...

You now hate corned beef hash, in any form....

The sight of rolling countryside makes you scan for "enemy depth"...



You dismiss anyone that might be better than you at something by stating that "they're sh*t with weight on"...

You think that eating every meal with the same spoon that you've licked clean for a week and kept in the same shirt pocket for a week is perfectly normal...

All of your food has to be prepared by a chef as you're incapable of cooking anything that can't either be boiled in the bag or eaten cold...

You lie when people ask what you do for a living.



Ring any bells ?
 

Gulpers

Midshipman
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'******* get in there you cnut!' he says to himself and goes to
the bar. 'Get the ******* manager of this pigshit middle class
wankhole please... you cnut', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you
sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert
in the cnuting window and I'm here to audition.....******.' The manager
is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for
a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune
the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
minister but I just shafted your daughter, and now the bitch is
blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively". '******..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird ***********
you get shit on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got
any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do
you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care
if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the
manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of
your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' '**** it'
says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
that he decides to go to the bog and polish one off, to 'relax
himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in
the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
penis is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto
your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

I ******* wrote it!!!'
 

chinamatelot

Lantern Swinger
For the very old salts..........


Two Old Seniors


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big turd he always was."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
 

AfterSSE

War Hero
i'll never complain about my burb again

S'pose you were living in one of these places ......

1. Shafter (California, USA)
2. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
3. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
4. Bastard (Norway)
5. Twatt (Orkney, UK)
6. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
7. Muff (Northern Ireland)
8. Wankie (Zimbabwe)
9. Climax (Colorado, USA)
10. Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
11. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
12. Fukum (Yemen)
13. Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
14. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
15. Turdo (Romania)
16. Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
17. Seymen (Turkey)
18. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
19. Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
20. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
21. Wanks River (Nicaragua)
22. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
23. Fuku (Shensi, China)
24. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
25. Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
26. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
27. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
28. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
29. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
30. Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
31. Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
32. Tittybong (Australia)
33. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
34. Dikshit (India)
35. Wankener (India)
36. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
 

safewalrus

War Hero
Actualy Twatt is in the Shetlands but who's checking!




and no I don't live anywhere near Brown Willy (I know where Twatt is!) :thumright:
 

bigbaddog

Banned
An old Speedway Track called.....what?

bend2.jpg
 
Top