To liven things up... :-)

AfterSSE

War Hero
I understand some humour is needed here:

So I'll start...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you
scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
s6vhaha.gif
 

AfterSSE

War Hero
Don't know the equivalent in the UK or OZ but I'm sure some of you can relate...

When your retired and have nothing to do...

From: Walmart
To: Mrs. Gutierrez

Dear Mrs. Gutierrez
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. C. Gutierrez has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Gutierrez have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Brown,
President and CEO
Walmart Complaint Department

Things Mr. C. Gutierrez has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, ?Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

It's hell when you're retired and don't have anything to do!!!
 

AfterSSE

War Hero
Incredible story about an elephant's memory

If it doesn?t make you feel warm and fuzzy, you are heartless.


UPI August 4, 2006

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 

AfterSSE

War Hero
disgruntled-at-rn said:
Is this for htp??

Awwww you guessed it... ^_^;


If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks did hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.

The DJ's play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for Verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I have heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you heard of Mate Match?"

Contestant:(laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean that you're married or you're what?"

Brian:(laughing nervously "Yes I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara"

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work"

Brian:(laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when wa s the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! "

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian:(laughing sheepishly) "Well.."

DJ: "Question ..2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, a trip would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: Laughing Hard " I ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh Huh..."

Brian:"...and the Mother In Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I have done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

Three Minutes of Commercials Follow

DJ:"OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? "

(touch tones...ringing..)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Edgar from WBAM, we are live on the air and I have Been speaking with Brian for a couple hours now."

Sara:(laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No"

DJ: "Good"

Brian:(laughing)

Sara:(laughing)"Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian:(laughing) "Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you are off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magics game. The whole deal. Get it Sara?"

Sara:(laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright, when did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara:"12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's good enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one last question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sara:(laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: "Come on Sara.....where did you have it?"

Sara: "In the ass...."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break
 

jesse650

War Hero
AfterSSE said:
Don't know the equivalent in the UK or OZ but I'm sure some of you can relate...

When your retired and have nothing to do...

From: Walmart
To: Mrs. Gutierrez

Dear Mrs. Gutierrez
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. C. Gutierrez has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Gutierrez have been compiled and are listed below.

Mr. Wally Brown,
President and CEO
Walmart Complaint Department

Things Mr. C. Gutierrez has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, ?Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

It's hell when you're retired and don't have anything to do!!!

loved that one:) am going to send to my old man.......a) he'll laugh for 2 days on that and b) probably try them in the Ikea nearby.....should be fun :lol:
 
been doing the rounds for ages but i still find it funny...

So there's this matelot dancing around Jo's. He spots (unbelievably) a Nice looking bird in the corner.

He asks her if she'd like a drink to which she replies, "To be honest do you just fancy taking me home?"

So he takes her home and gets invited in, she asks, "Do you mind me asking, but are you a sailor?"

At this point he knows he has blown it but tells her that he is indeed a sailor.

"Oh that's great, my granddaddy was a sailor - you're the first one I've ever met! Do you smoke?"

Well Jack's over the moon and he answers yes whereby she goes out into the kitchen and brings out 100 Blue Liners!

"You can have these if you like, I don't smoke and they've been in the cupboard for ages! Do you drink?"

Well Jack asks for a lager but she comes back with a bottle of Pusser's rum. At this point he looks up to the heaven and thanks the God of Jack for this goldmine!

"Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable" she asks to Jack's delight

When she returns she is wearing a see through nightie with every ship, past and present on the hem. Jack can't believe his luck now, then she purrs at him.

"Do you want to come through to the bedroom and play a little game?"

Jack replies





"F*ck me - you got UCKERS as well!?"
 
sensibledunny said:
been doing the rounds for ages but i still find it funny...

So there's this matelot dancing around Jo's. He spots (unbelievably) a Nice looking bird in the corner.

He asks her if she'd like a drink to which she replies, "To be honest do you just fancy taking me home?"

So he takes her home and gets invited in, she asks, "Do you mind me asking, but are you a sailor?"

At this point he knows he has blown it but tells her that he is indeed a sailor.

"Oh that's great, my granddaddy was a sailor - you're the first one I've ever met! Do you smoke?"

Well Jack's over the moon and he answers yes whereby she goes out into the kitchen and brings out 100 Blue Liners!

"You can have these if you like, I don't smoke and they've been in the cupboard for ages! Do you drink?"

Well Jack asks for a lager but she comes back with a bottle of Pusser's rum. At this point he looks up to the heaven and thanks the God of Jack for this goldmine!

"Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable" she asks to Jack's delight

When she returns she is wearing a see through nightie with every ship, past and present on the hem. Jack can't believe his luck now, then she purrs at him.

"Do you want to come through to the bedroom and play a little game?"

Jack replies





"F*ck me - you got UCKERS as well!?"

Fantastic, still giggling as I type!!
 
D

Deleted 7

Guest
Dating Ad Translations

Want to know what the person is REALLY like behind those "nice" descriptions in Singles Ads? Here are some translations.


DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses

FINE CHARACTER
She's an ex-hooker

KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY:
She's a spend thrift and great at spending yours

STRONG FAMILY TIES:
She's a Mafia Princess

LOVES CHILDREN:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

WONDERFUL PERSONALITY:
She's fat

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

THE OUTDOOR TYPE:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just like the guys

READY TO SETTLE DOWN:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME:
She gets drunk every time she goes out

LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES:
Often makes an ass of herself

MATURE WOMAN:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five

HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOL GIRL:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager

CASUAL:
She dresses like a slob

DECORATED HER OWN PLACE:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

A GREAT DANCER:
She's a Stripper

NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

DOESN'T CHASE MEN:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

SELDOM DATES:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something

UNDERSTANDS MEN:
She's been married and divorced four times

A GOOD SPORT:
She knows two hundred jokes & can drink you under the table

LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds

BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS:
She's a former porn movie star

KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE:
None of whom would marry her
 
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