To liven things up... :-)

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by AfterSSE, Jul 3, 2007.

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  1. I understand some humour is needed here:

    So I'll start...

    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches
    from a large plate glass window.
    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you
    scared the daylights out of me."
    The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder
    could frighten him so much.
    The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.
    I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." [​IMG]
  2. Don't know the equivalent in the UK or OZ but I'm sure some of you can relate...

    When your retired and have nothing to do...

    From: Walmart
    To: Mrs. Gutierrez

    Dear Mrs. Gutierrez
    Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. C. Gutierrez has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Gutierrez have been compiled and are listed below.

    Mr. Wally Brown,
    President and CEO
    Walmart Complaint Department

    Things Mr. C. Gutierrez has done while his spouse is shopping:

    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

    6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

    8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, ?Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?
    9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

    10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

    11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

    13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

    14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

    (And; last, but not least!)

    15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

    It's hell when you're retired and don't have anything to do!!!
  3. Incredible story about an elephant's memory

    If it doesn?t make you feel warm and fuzzy, you are heartless.

    UPI August 4, 2006

    A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

    The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

    As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

    Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

    The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

    After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

    The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

    Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
  4. Is this for htp??
  5. Awwww you guessed it... ^_^;

    If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something wrong with you... Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks did hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.

    The DJ's play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

    The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for Verification.

    If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I have heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

    DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you heard of Mate Match?"

    Contestant:(laughing) "Yes, I have."

    DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.

    Contestant: "Brian."

    DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?

    Brian: "Yes."

    DJ: "Yes? Does that mean that you're married or you're what?"

    Brian:(laughing nervously "Yes I am married."

    DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

    Brian: "Sara"

    DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

    Brian: "She's gonna kill me."

    DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work"

    Brian:(laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

    DJ: "Okay, first question - when wa s the last time you had sex?"

    Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

    DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! "

    Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

    DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

    Brian:(laughing sheepishly) "Well.."

    DJ: "Question ..2 - How long did it last?"

    Brian: "About 10 minutes."

    DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

    Brian: "Yeah, a trip would be nice."

    DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

    Brian: Laughing Hard " I ummm, I, well..."

    DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

    Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

    DJ: "Uh Huh..."

    Brian:"...and the Mother In Law was in the shower at the time."

    DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

    Brian: "On the kitchen table."

    DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I have done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

    Three Minutes of Commercials Follow

    DJ:"OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? "

    (touch tones...ringing..)

    Clerk: "Kinkos."

    DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

    Clerk: "This is she."

    DJ: "Sara, this is Edgar from WBAM, we are live on the air and I have Been speaking with Brian for a couple hours now."

    Sara:(laughing) "A couple of hours?"

    DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

    Sara: "No"

    DJ: "Good"


    Sara:(laughing)"Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

    Brian:(laughing) "Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

    DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you are off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magics game. The whole deal. Get it Sara?"

    Sara:(laughing) "Yes."

    DJ: "Alright, when did you last have sex, Sara?"

    Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

    DJ: "What time?"

    Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

    DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

    Sara:"12, 15 minutes maybe."

    DJ: "Hmmmm. That's good enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one last question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

    Sara:(laughing) "Yes."

    DJ: "Where did you have it?"

    Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

    Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

    DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

    Sara: "Well..."

    DJ: "Come on Sara.....where did you have it?"

    Sara: "In the ass...."

    After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break
  6. loved that one:) am going to send to my old man.......a) he'll laugh for 2 days on that and b) probably try them in the Ikea nearby.....should be fun :lol:
  7. been doing the rounds for ages but i still find it funny...

    So there's this matelot dancing around Jo's. He spots (unbelievably) a Nice looking bird in the corner.

    He asks her if she'd like a drink to which she replies, "To be honest do you just fancy taking me home?"

    So he takes her home and gets invited in, she asks, "Do you mind me asking, but are you a sailor?"

    At this point he knows he has blown it but tells her that he is indeed a sailor.

    "Oh that's great, my granddaddy was a sailor - you're the first one I've ever met! Do you smoke?"

    Well Jack's over the moon and he answers yes whereby she goes out into the kitchen and brings out 100 Blue Liners!

    "You can have these if you like, I don't smoke and they've been in the cupboard for ages! Do you drink?"

    Well Jack asks for a lager but she comes back with a bottle of Pusser's rum. At this point he looks up to the heaven and thanks the God of Jack for this goldmine!

    "Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable" she asks to Jack's delight

    When she returns she is wearing a see through nightie with every ship, past and present on the hem. Jack can't believe his luck now, then she purrs at him.

    "Do you want to come through to the bedroom and play a little game?"

    Jack replies

    "F*ck me - you got UCKERS as well!?"
  8. Fantastic, still giggling as I type!!
  9. Dating Ad Translations

    Want to know what the person is REALLY like behind those "nice" descriptions in Singles Ads? Here are some translations.

    She has been married three times and kept all the houses

    She's an ex-hooker

    She's a spend thrift and great at spending yours

    She's a Mafia Princess

    She's pregnant and needs a husband

    She's fat

    She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

    She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just like the guys

    She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

    She gets drunk every time she goes out

    Often makes an ass of herself

    She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five

    She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager

    She dresses like a slob

    Her apartment resembles a pig sty

    She's a Stripper

    She only cries twenty-seven times a day

    She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

    She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something

    She's been married and divorced four times

    She knows two hundred jokes & can drink you under the table

    She's five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds

    She's a former porn movie star

    None of whom would marry her
  10. Sat here chuckeling as I type
  11. Sensibledunny, that made me spill my tea :thumright: Made my day
  12. Excellent! Cheers one up on a dark rainy day,keep em coming.
    Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

    Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed, or a
    project failed, and exactly who was responsible.

    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and
    everybody and then leaves.

    The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement - by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die.

    An office filled with cubicles.

    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and peoples' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.

    The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

    Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

    A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whining all the time.

    Euphemism for nicking free photocopies from one's workplace.

    The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to
    work again.

    The rarified organisational layers that start just above the rank and file.
    Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
    inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
    This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
    paperwork and processes. (This should be familiar to everyone here)

    Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document could not be located).

    That minuscule moment in time when you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've just hit 'reply all').

    Well Off Older Folk.


    Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the ensuing sounds of dismay and disgust. Usually leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

    One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in
    a very sex nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you

    So he tied her up and went golfing.

    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
    into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
    "Honey, pack your bags. I won the darn lottery!"

    The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
    mountain stuff?"

    "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
    and the other is a husband.

    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
    First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

    The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
    "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

    "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
    "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the

    "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
    Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
    Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more! butter. Oh my GOD!
    WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
    Careful ... CAREFUL!
    I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
    Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
    forget you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT!
    HE SALT!"
    The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
    You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

    The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels
    like when I'm driving."

    You know you're institutionalised when :

    You think that a checked shirt, (tucked in),chinos and brown shoes look "casual" on someone under the age of 40 !

    You wouldn't dream of buying a shirt with either a breast pocket or button cuffs....

    You feel slightly guilty when you are at home and see news footage from places you once served in....

    You use target indication to point out fit chicks....

    You use the term "chicks".....

    You insist on dancing like a t*t, whilst your civi mates insist on trying to dance normally....

    You don't understand why your civi mates won't go on the p*ss mid-week....

    Your civi mates don't understand any of the terminology you use, such as "no-dramas", "squared away", "fill your boots" etc.......

    You can't help saying "Roger, wait out ", "Say again" and other snappy bits of voice procedure when talking to civis who think you are probably a bit mad...... you quite like it that they think you're a bit mad.........

    You use acronyms, thinking that your civi mates will understand what you are talking about....

    You don't have any civi mates....

    Your Facebook profile photo is one of you on Ops, in combats, body armour with a rifle, as if it makes you look cool and no one else in the Marines has been there!...

    You cringe and mutter under your breath "haircut", when you see men with long hair ....

    You walk at a ridiculous pace and are physically incapable of walking at the shopping pace of your wife/girlfriend...

    You refer to personal organisation as "Admin"...

    Your wife/girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as "0"...

    Your wife/girlfriend is stored in your mobile phone address book as "HQ"...

    You use patrol hand signals in a night club if people can't hear you....

    The idea of training shoes as leisure wear is anathema to you....

    You wouldn't dream of polishing a pair of shoes with just one brush. Seperate on and off brushes a must.....

    You always use the 24hr clock...

    You have flashbacks of being cold, wet and miserable every time you see a pack of Rollo's....

    Nothing servicemen do shocks you any more....

    You can't watch programmes such as "Ultimate Force"/ "Soldier Soldier", without giving a running commentary, including " He didn't forward assist!", "Look at the state of Ross Kemps' webbing !"...

    Whenever you spell something out, you use the phenetic alphabet....

    You wouldn't dream of using Kiwi liquid polish...

    You wouldn't trust any woman to iron your rig...

    You point, using all four fingers...

    You think not shaving is a "treat"...

    You feel guilty if you havn't shaved at weekends...

    You get really irritated when people you don't know call you "mate"

    The mere mention of CTC sends you into a 2 hour conversation on how the log was heavier, the log race longer, you didn't have duvets, you carried the GPMG on the march and shoot, and someone in your intake died during phys...

    You can read the Silverman's catalogue from cover to cover and refer to anything useful as "a Gucci" bit of kit....

    You don't think it's strange to have coat-hangers with your name on...

    Your blood boils when you see civis wearing DPM...

    You don't talk to your family at breakfast, because you're reading your "telegraph"...

    You come out in a cold sweat if you find yourself still working after lunch on a Friday...

    You have to stop work at 1000hrs for a dutchies or jimmys or you might not make it to lunchtime...

    At least half your DVD collection are war movies...

    Even though your disposable income is twice that of a civi,you still manage to spend it all,every month, with nothing to show for it, about a week after you've told your soldiers you can't believe how much they waste on the p*ss...

    You feel guilty about wearing jeans in front of senior officers...

    You now hate corned beef hash, in any form....

    The sight of rolling countryside makes you scan for "enemy depth"...

    You dismiss anyone that might be better than you at something by stating that "they're sh*t with weight on"...

    You think that eating every meal with the same spoon that you've licked clean for a week and kept in the same shirt pocket for a week is perfectly normal...

    All of your food has to be prepared by a chef as you're incapable of cooking anything that can't either be boiled in the bag or eaten cold...

    You lie when people ask what you do for a living.

    Ring any bells ?
  15. An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
    the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

    Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the
    window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

    'Fucking get in there you cnut!' he says to himself and goes to
    the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class
    wankhole please... you cnut', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The
    barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you
    sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert
    in the cnuting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.' The manager
    is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for
    a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune
    the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet
    utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,
    wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime
    minister but I just shafted your daughter, and now the bitch is

    'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
    less "lively". 'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a
    powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through
    his salty teardrops asks him the title.

    'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the arse
    you get shit on your bell-end.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got
    any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do
    you want me to split your ringhole", or there's the epic "I don't care
    if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the
    manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of
    your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that
    you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'Fuck it'
    says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going
    superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is
    being received as modesty.

    The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is
    a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
    revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
    boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

    During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'
    that he decides to go to the bog and polish one off, to 'relax
    himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being
    re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes
    his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde
    approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in
    the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your
    penis is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto
    your shoes?'

    'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

    I fucking wrote it!!!'
  16. For the very old salts..........

    Two Old Seniors

    Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
    Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
    Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."


    When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.
    No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."
    Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big turd he always was."


    An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise."
    The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."


    A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"


    When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
    I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
    She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
    I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
    She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
    I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
    She said, "I can't remember where I live!"


    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
    One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


    Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
    The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
    And the eyesight to tell the difference.
  17. i'll never complain about my burb again

    S'pose you were living in one of these places ......

    1. Shafter (California, USA)
    2. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
    3. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
    4. Bastard (Norway)
    5. Twatt (Orkney, UK)
    6. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
    7. Muff (Northern Ireland)
    8. Wankie (Zimbabwe)
    9. Climax (Colorado, USA)
    10. Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
    11. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
    12. Fukum (Yemen)
    13. Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
    14. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
    15. Turdo (Romania)
    16. Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
    17. Seymen (Turkey)
    18. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
    19. Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
    20. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
    21. Wanks River (Nicaragua)
    22. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
    23. Fuku (Shensi, China)
    24. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
    25. Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
    26. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
    27. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
    28. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
    29. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
    30. Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
    31. Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
    32. Tittybong (Australia)
    33. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
    34. Dikshit (India)
    35. Wankener (India)
    36. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
  18. Actualy Twatt is in the Shetlands but who's checking!

    and no I don't live anywhere near Brown Willy (I know where Twatt is!) :thumright:

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