Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal Navy

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by creddly, Nov 2, 2007.

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  1. Hey guys, just started this topic because I remember in the Army there was this time we were having an inspection by a corporal.

    Anyway, as you know you're supposed to have only one sharp crease down your shirt, but this lad had like 4.

    I always remember the corporal going "Look at that, you're only supposed to have ONE crease, you have 4, why are you trying to be so f**king greedy?"

    All I remember hearing was a bunch of people choking trying to keep the laughter in, including myself, but we just couldn't and the result was us laughing out loud and getting a beasting.

    Any similar moments for you lads?
  2. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    A burial at sea.
    Some long retired officer had died years ago, and his wife had just died. Their last wishes were to have their ashes commited together in the briney deep. We were the chosen ship to do this (and we were in the middle of small ship FOST mini Thursday War).

    All was going well, and the ceremony was sober and sombre, up until the point of the actual ashes were float tested. The White Ensign was draped over the ashes and at the given signal, up ended and the urns would slide effortlessly ito the sea. This went well, however, the sound made by the urns as they hit the sea was straight out of some kind of comedic sound recording catalogue. PLOP! PLOP! they went.
    The scene was a crew in action working dress complete with anti-flash and life jackets all stiffleing laughter like the Centurion in 'Life of Brian' (Biggus Dickus and all that). Even the Sky Pilot was smirking.
  3. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    Was in Afghanistan earlier this year and things were a bit ground-hog day ish. The Bombheads every day bought sweets/doughnuts etc to share amongst themselves. Everyone that passed their desk stole a sweet or if you could beat them, a doughnut. As you can imagine they were getting a bit pee'd off with this so one of the young crabs decied to put a mousetrap in the sweet bag. They then waited for someone to attemp to rob a sweet, nothing happened for ages so the trap was getting forgotten untill the Squadron Warrant Officer made one of his infrequent office outings. I was passing their desk as he put his hand in and the trap sprung, just missing the end of his finger. As you can tell he was shocked, I was shocked as he let out a torrid of abuse and stormed out of the room. I just wanted to piss myself but all I could do was say you OK sir?
    Anyone in Joint Force Harrier will know which (Crab) Warrant Officer it was and will know his reputation so this was payback time.
    One of the funniest things I have ever seen.
  4. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    Great stories guys.

    Any more?
  5. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    We could have made the Guiness Book of Records, under the category of "shortest ever visit by a V.I.P." when we had the First Sea Lord helo'ed out to us on the Cachalot. After he descended into the control room via the tower ladder, he took one pace backwards and promptly stepped into the attack 'scope well. Unfortunately (for those not versed in submarine construction) there is a coaming about 4" high surrounding the well, and it was this coaming that parted the VIP's testicles as he came to rest with a loud "arrrgh"!
    The helo was recalled, and the FSL was winched back onboard, having spent about 1 minute on our sleeek black messenger of death!
    Chuckles all around :thumright:
  6. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker War Hero Moderator

    Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    On HMS Illustrious, HRH Prince of Wales flies on for a night's B&B before his onward journey.

    The Wardroom lay on a drinks reception & the ship's volunteer band are invited to strangle a few tunes under the guise of "incidental" music in the wardroom. Band Master, a fantastic bloke, a proper RM Bandy full of enthusiasm & a staunch uber Royalist is absolutely delighted he'll be meeting the Prince and is to be introduced to him by the Commanding Officer (Now 1SL) as he enters the wardrobe.

    Sure enough in comes HRH & the CO & introductions as planned. Band Master, absolutely ecstatic at having met the "next in line", gets carried away, spins around musical baton aloft and starts the band playing something very patriotic & extremely loud. Unbeknown, behind him, HRH was actually attempting to engage him in conversation, but now staring at his back, mouth agape, hit full force with a tirade of martial music.

    Nearly swallowed my tuba, trying not to giggle.
  7. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    Skipper on the Fife with a triple barreled name was only 5' nowt...at Aberporth for missile firings I was stoker on the MFV supply boat, we came alongside on a very heavy swell and I had come to the top of the hatch of engine space for a tab....MFV was rising and falling some 10 feet , most managed to board with some difficulty, the skipper, being so short misjudged it and had one foot on Fife's QD and one on the MFV on its downward stroke and was catapulted onto the MFV deck where a Chief Tiff broke his fall...without batting an eyelid said Chief retorted '' Fcuking good shot Sir''
  8. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    Ha ha ha, great stories guys.


    Hope there's a lot more to come.

    Skyvet, I actually felt a bit of pain down below reading your one. Man that must have been agony.

  9. Seaweed

    Seaweed War Hero Book Reviewer

    1963, HMS London is in Liverpool for Battle of the Atlantic commemoration. Local pongo calls on Captain, we put up Guard and Band (borrowed Bootie band of course). Guard on B Gundeck, Band below. Idea is that Pongo will inspect the Guard only and then be led into the cuddy for usual pleasantries.

    However pongo decides to go down the ladder to inspect the Band also. Has seen movies or something so goes down facing forward (maybe trying to be polite to Bandy who is standing at the foot of the ladder at the salute). Wicked gust of Liverpudlian wind sweeps by and lifts pongo's kilt (oops, forgot to mention, Scotch pongo). Bandy's expression worth seeing as he salutes pongo's tackle as it descends towards him.
  10. Good dit, but you do know a pongos kilt weighs in at 35lb, some wind

    The pongos wear kilts, not the skirts scots boys wear at weddings or for the Tartan army

    Army Kilt, five yards of heavy woven wool

    Skirt worn by scots boys at weddings to look scottish, half a pound of nylon with pleats as in a womans skirt

    Jack McHammocklashing RO9
  11. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    Gydnia in Poland in the communist days and a beat the retreat.
    Down came the flag, nice and gracefully, but, down came the jackstaff too on account of a lot of rust; chief yeoman started laughing, not the best thing to do.
    Add a bayonette through the stabiliser of a Wessex and there was hardly a dry eye in the house
    The assembled Polish dignatories did very well and hardly cracked.
    Got their own back though by making us eat steak tartare - horrible cheap luke warm raw steak with big bits of fat in it! Needed a LOT of vodka and cheap, sweet Russian bubbly to wash it down.
    A funeral at sea off the Eddystone, the wind changed and blew back some of the ash, new baby seaman licked his lips, briefly very briefly, and quickly legged it below!
  12. During a RAS on Intrepid, the Chiefs Mess were bringing on barrels of CSB and stowing it away in the store room by the laundry flat .. Some young stoker dropped a barrel which caught the Fleet Jaunty on the head as he peered out ot the Reg Office so subsequently he ended up in the Sick Bay while I put a few well placed homeward bounders in said the Fleet Joss's scalp! Poor little bugger of a JMEM then gets hauled up into the Sickbay by the duty RPO (while I was trying to sew the Jaunty back together) who promply reads out a charge of attempted murder of the Fleet Joss .. Still not sure how I kept a straight face as the lads bottom lip started to quiver ..
  13. Seaweed

    Seaweed War Hero Book Reviewer

    Auckland (NZ) Times or whatever - headline after Triumph smacks the jetty a bit in 1968 - 'CRUNCH OF PILES AS HUGE RN SHIP BERTHS'. Ouch!

    Back later on that year - They're running a series on 'Famous Streets of the World'. What have we here? Bugis Street. Who have we here? Captain and officers of our very own ship, Wasp pilot pretty much obscured by giant cuddly rabbit, usual flock of kyties hanging around. Fortunately this run ashore was on a night when Seaweed was duty .. wonder what has happened to that Wardroom Line Book into which I stuck the picture with much glee ..
  14. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    Oh I can just see that one, his head must have just missed the deep frame there too or was it just the bollocks pain made the head feel OK.
  15. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    Ceremonial Divisions at Sultan during a Sea training weekend. I was on a sick chit, so couldn't be part of the guard as the rest of my class did. Myself and another classmate were sat on the stands as part of the small group keeping an eye out for fainters.

    During the boring, quiet portion of the divisions, a glider on aero-tow passes overhead. Classmate points subtly and spins a dit about a guy in our class.
    "Told M last week that the glider was really an aeroplane, and it had broken down and the one behind is pushing it trying to jump start it. He believed us!"

    I howled. All through divisions. Right in front of the whole engineering school who, obviously, were facing us. Including inspecting divisional staff and officers. All through prayers, all through the Warrant Officer's medal presentation. I was crying, couldn't stop. I'd settle for a moment then someone else would emit a titter and I'd be off again. Most embarrassing.
  16. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    Bodmin Moor choppers dropped food canisters containing all sorts of goodies one contained custard. Yes folks at times a life on the moor is a nice one.

    That was the first and last time that has heppened I can tell thee.

    Anyways Csgt ++++++ opens custard container which with all the hurly burly has become pressurised. Boom! The custard is off tonight lads he shouted dripping custard from head to toe. One of those you had to be there to see it things.

    Csgt ++++++++ on parade a smart halt in his studded shiny boots slip bang over he goes. We all stood there frozen on the spot not a sound.

    He complimented us on our silence then turns to Timber Woods and tells him see that is discipline for you. TW states I think it was fear myself!!

    We are then ordered to laugh which we did.

    Phase one how many have dared move to get that thumb down the seam of the legs while the man is having words with another. Forgetting that a DL has eyes in the back of his head. Two caught made to wear the peak cap backwards while marching hilarious until Captn +++++ pops over to see why!!
  17. Re: Times you were dying to laugh but couldn't in the Royal

    Just read Stirling's dit about the Fife. Haven't laughed so much for ages cos I could picture it. It's the episodes like that which make me miss the mob so much. Since leaving I've not come across many with the ability to give a cracking deadpan reply to a situation like that. Seemed to be happening all the time when I was in. :lol:
  18. I was on the Cumberland about 10 years ago (we Princess Ann’s husband as skipper) over a duty weekend we had one of those exercises where the duty watch searches the ship for IED’s. Anyway me and my oppo were searching our route, the bridge was clear, next was the captain’s sea cabin. Well being juniors we had to go in and search it, lots of pictures of HRH in there and lots of comments about how much she looked like a horse. Anyway we go down one ladder and are going into the captain’s cabin, my mate goes first and with one foot in the door he turns round to me and says “wonder if he has any more pics of that fukin horse in hereâ€. Then he steps all the way in, I’m just about to follow when I hear the captain stay yes AB ********* I have lots of pictures of her! Needless to say I didn’t even make it into the cabin, went straight out of the airlock and ran down the waist laughing like f**k. What he was doing onboard over a weekend we will never know.
  19. I remember an old friend of mine (a POAF) telling me a story when he was in Borneo, the camp consisted of a remote air strip containing a naval helicopter squadron and some various crab aircraft, the naval squadron had on its books a native who loved the English way of doing things and was always trying to please by cleaning and doing all the chores that jack hoped he could get away with, thought he was the junior CO with an old sailors hat on his head and grass skirt. on day a senior admiral arrives at the air strip to see how the navy air squadron are operating and thier jungle flying progressing, when out in front of him jumps this native with grass skirt old sailors hat and bear feet, comes smartly to attention, salutes, and shouts into his face "crabfat beef, sir."
  20. Commissioning ceremony for CONX in Cammell Lairds 1971: all the dignataries assembled, Ships Company fell in, then the Padres of the various faiths march on. Scouse dockie (without an invite, but attended out of sheer curiosity) observes in a rather loud voice (could've been heard the other side of the Mersey, and by most of the crew) observes:
    "Told ya, the Pope and God are fcking Liverpool supporters".
    "Ow d'ya work dat out den, Joe ?"
    "His fcuking reprentative in Birkenhead's wearing a red shirt, dat's why".
    How I (and those around me) never wet ourselves laughing, I'll NEVER know....................

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