Thoughts of irrational violence

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by JonnoJonno, Dec 21, 2009.

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  1. Hello cunts

    Musing on my predilection for expressing myself violently at times I thought I would check with you lot that I am not alone in spending a large part of my day thinking up medieval forms of punishment for the often innocent behaviour of my fellow humans. If I am on my own then I know why I am at odds with the world, and will travel to Bridgend to end my days surrounded by the screams and gargling of welsh teenagers.

    So I'm at the gym yesterday carrying out mundane aerobic exercises to replace the run that Jack Frost spoiled, when I see a slim(ish) forty year old woman step on to the treadmill, and increase the elevation to maximum and start to walk. Initially impressed I then noticed that the silly bitch was holding on to the handguards in such a way that she was leaning back and essentially walking as normal just at a different angle. I found myself alarmingly annoyed at this, and felt that she was doing this because her calorie count would appear higher. In a just world I felt that I should be able to cut her hands off with a set of 'jaws of life', put the speed up to maximum and stand behind her with an antique Lance until she tired. The thought occupied me for at least 30 minutes and put a smile on my face. She got off after 20 minutes having not a single bead of sweat on her and it was all I could do to not smack her in the face with a dumbell.

    Killing gym-queens, my desire to ankle-tap obese trolley pushers, and smother anyone with anything other than a conventional ring-tone occupies more and more of my time these days. I think I need a girlfriend.

    Anyone else going slowly nuts?
  2. Not really no. I can't say I feel your pain.

    You should try ecstasy, take two in the morning and it will brighten up your day considerably, everyone becomes your friend and you get to dance around to happy music all the time. Great for weight loss as well just ask Brittany Murphy.
  3. Too late JJ, I started having similar thoughts after I got married and was dragged round various furniture stores and supermarkets. Been going on nearly 29 years now and seems to increase at Chrimbo for some reason and peak at the January sales.
  4. Every day the red mist gets a little closer. Not to worry mate Christmas is coming up so there'll be plenty of opportunities for drunken violence towards your nearest and dearest who unless their cnuts won't press charges.
  5. I can barely go out in public any more, and a drink in a busy pub tends to prompt windmilling. How you manage the rage after 29 years of marriage is beyond me Wrecker. I reckon I've got about a month left in me!
  6. Lots of long walks with the dog (four legged one) and copius amounts of internet porn

    edited to add MILF/GILF spotting helps with the shopping as well
  7. Hello jonno,

    I understand where you are coming from. Just this morning i had an issue with a number of work collegues and some irrational thoughts came into my head.

    There is a small cobbled driveway to get on the car park, which was covered in snow and the steps into the office were also covered and dangerous to those who are unsteady on their feet. So, after i had drove my car up the drive with no problem i observed others struggling. I decided to go and get the salt and grit in a tub and do something. Then, inside there were six or seven people stood moaning about it....WELL ROLL YOUR SLEVES UP AND FCUKING DO SOMETHING TO HELP!!!!

    I then had a vision of chopping their limbs off and using their nice warm blood to melt the snow and ice before scattering their remains up the drive which would have increased the grip significantly.

    But anyway, lets all be happy it's christmas.
  8. Lovely use of the materials to hand there JJP, and coagulated blood would hold the grit in place beautifully.

    Glad I'm not alone out there, and hope that there is someone else who might fantasise about smashing short people in the face with a roof tile
  9. tiddlyoggy

    tiddlyoggy War Hero Book Reviewer

    Only thing to mention on this thread: Fukcing Christmas shopping and shoppers! 'Nuff said!
  10. Mate, I can't even think of doing it. I lurk in the early hours of the morning at 24 tescos. The fact that TK Maxx sells knives aswell as discounted clothing makes it impossible for me to enter that particular establishment. There would be blood
  11. tiddlyoggy

    tiddlyoggy War Hero Book Reviewer

    If you go to a Tesco Extra you should be able to get all you need there, thus eliminating the requirement to visit 24 Tescos.

    Okay, I'll get my coat........
  12. I like this plan, internet shopping is for winners, you can thrap away while the order is being processed and you can also use someone else's credit card when it comes to paying. I like to have itunes playing Benny Hill's theme in the background while I do this.

    Seriously put the tune on, open a second window on your browser and watch a grumble flick while Benny Hill plays. It is possibly one of the greatest things a man can ever experience.

  13. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    Feeling the vibe jonno. I had one of those moments this afternoon. I was sitting comfortably having just finished my daily check of the xhamster. I had a second world war documentary with allied planes strafing targets. Lots of dead horses and train explosions and I was happly content. Mrs wits swans in and changes the channel over to the showbiz news. At this point the rage was simmering, but then she went and popped the cork by putting on some MTV show "The hills". I had to take 10 deep breaths and remind myself that she gives a mean bj and that if I smashed her teeth in I may not recieve one for a while.
  14. Maxing out their credit cards on tat from China? Can't see much wrong with that. :roll:
    The panic buying is necessary as the shops will be closed for one whole day.
  15. witsend

    witsend War Hero Book Reviewer

    To clam the feelings of rage whilst xmas shopping, the only place is to shop is one of these mordern shopping centers. Don't shop on the ground floor and the first floor is highly recommended. Stay close to the rails and when the rage is peaking, play spot the cleavage. After a while you'll find the rage subsides and you have to deal with another problem.
  16. Managed to raise a laugh in John Lewis on saturday.
    Mrs R-G goes into the fitting room to try on about forty dresses(She usually has the first one she picks)

    Outside the fitting room are 8 chairs each with rather somber looking bloke's on them and one seat going begging.

    I bimble over and say to Mrs R-G in rather a loud voice;'I'll be sitting here in the man-creche if you need me,dont forget to pick me up this time'

    They all had a good chuckle and even the dolly on the door thought it was funny.

    I just wish shoppers had indicators and brake lights fitted so I stop bumping into the buggers when they change course. :lol:
  17. with you on the ring tones you just wanna shove the phone up the perpertators arse
  18. Spot on.

    Same type of mong you describe there in my gym. She'd just came off one of those 45 minute mong-athon jumped-up spastic cycling troupes, screaming at the top of their lungs along to banging techno, about 45 years +.

    So I'm easy-running on the treadmill at about 7mph into the 12th minute or so and she comes up alongside. 'Fair enough' I think to myself, you've managed 45 minutes of a quite intense and equally retarded biking session, now you're up for a bit of low impact, low intensity walking/jogging to get a steady beat up and finish up for the evening.

    Nope. The wee poisoned dwarf runs like the fecking clappers, putting me off my own pattern as she slaps those spazzy clumpers down splat splat splat for a solid 30 seconds and then jumps up and straddles the belt so she's effectively stopped dead on the side pans.

    I should've waited until she was running at full speed and pulled the plug on the machine.
  19. I used to come very close to doing a Hannibal Lecter with cell-phone eedjits in restaurants. Now my favourite toy is a cell-phone jammer and using it to fcuk numpties up gives me hours of pleasure. The trick is not to switch it on permanently; just use it to kill conversations, then let them re-dial and re-connect before killing the connection again. Repeat as often as needed but try not to laugh!!!

  20. where do you get one of these devices that sounds like great fun

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