This guys a laugh

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by PERCY09, Aug 18, 2009.

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  1. Re: This guys a laugh... landlord letter

    More from him

    From: David Thorne

    Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am

    To: Helen Bailey

    Subject: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.

    Regards, David.


    ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

    From: Helen Bailey

    Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am

    To: David Thorne

    Subject: Re: Pets in the building

    Hello David

    I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

    Helen


    ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

    To: Helen Bailey

    Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
    I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.
    For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.
    I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

    Regards, David.


    ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

    From: Helen Bailey
    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

    To: David Thorne

    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

    Helen


    ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

    From: David Thorne

    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

    To: Helen Bailey

    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.

    The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.

    Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

    Regards, David.


    ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

    From: Helen Bailey

    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

    To: David Thorne

    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Hello David

    You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

    Helen


    ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

    From: David Thorne

    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

    To: Helen Bailey

    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    They are very small ducks.

    Regards, David.


    ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

    From: Helen Bailey

    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

    To: David Thorne

    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
    These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

    Helen


    ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

    From: David Thorne

    Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

    To: Helen Bailey

    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    Dear Helen,

    The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

    Regards, David.


    ------------------------------------------------------------ --------------------

    From: Helen Bailey

    Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

    To: David Thorne

    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

    David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

    Helen
     
  2. Re: This guys a laugh........party invite

    And another

    http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m227/styru/party.jpg

    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am
    To: Matthew Smythe
    Subject: R.S.V.P.

    Dear Matthew,
    Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child's party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

    Regards, David.



    From: Matthew Smythe
    Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.
    Hi David
    Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.
    Cheers Matthew



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm
    To: Matthew Smythe
    Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

    Thanks Matthew,
    Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we ass.gifp into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

    Regards, David.



    From: Matthew Smythe
    Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

    Hi David
    As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.
    Cheers Matthew



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm
    To: Matthew Smythe
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

    Dear Matthew,
    I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn't have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon's girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

    Regards, David.



    From: Matthew Smythe
    Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

    Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm
    To: Matthew Smythe
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

    Hi Matthew,
    I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

    Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don't think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of 'wouldn't it be good' to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don't see you before tonight.

    Regards, David.




    From: Matthew Smythe
    Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

    What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am
    To: Matthew Smythe
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

    Hello Matthew,
    I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

    It is a little hard to breath in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived 'through' the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

    Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don't own cars.

    Regards, David.



    From: Matthew Smythe
    Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

    WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am
    To: Matthew Smythe
    Subject: Party

    Hello Matthew,
    I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend Cathy's work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

    Can't wait, see you tonight.

    Regards, David.
     
  3. From:Jeff Peters
    Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Membership Renewal

    Dear David

    This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

    All the best, Jeff Peters


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

    Dear Jeff,

    Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Hello David

    How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

    Cheers, Jeff


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Dear Jeff

    Do I get free shipping with that?

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Dear Jeff

    By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Hello David

    Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

    Cheers, Jeff


    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Dear Jeff

    Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Go f$*k yourself.



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Dear Jeff

    I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

    Regards, David.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Ok.



    From: Jeff Peters
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
    To: David Thorne
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?



    From: David Thorne
    Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
    To: Jeff Peters
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

    The middle one.
     
  4. He runs a website, which is genius:

    Just have a read through some of the stuff:

    David Thorne
     
  5. I didnt know he had a website as I just received them by email from a mate.

    I'll have a look.

    cheers
     
  6. Ho Ho Ho! Yuck Yuck...chortle chortle, guffaw guffaw....

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
     
  7. Not too your taste? I grant you its not first world war poetry but its still amusing...
     
  8. Is first World War poetry amusing?
     
  9. read my post and it doesnt seem the greatest choice of words... :oops:
     
  10. Wait wait wait,

    This David fella, a.k.a Nailzzz??? 8O 8O 8O
     
  11. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    Nailzzz is dead - long live GunZaBlazin... :( :wink:
     

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