Things you learn from watching porn

brigham600

War Hero
Things You Learn From Watching Porn

Women wear high heels to bed.

Men are never impotent.

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he fucks her.

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with spunk.

Women enjoy having sex with ugly middle-aged men.

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blow job.

Women always orgasm when men do.

A blow job will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

All women are noisy fucks.

People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

Those tits are real.

A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

Men always groan 'OH YEAH' when they cum.
If there is two of them they 'high five' each other. (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

Double penetration makes women smile.

Asian men don't exist.

If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

There's a plot.

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the ass.

Nurses suck patients cocks.

Men always pull out.

When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking both of you.

Women never have headaches.

When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to 'suck it'

Assholes are clean.

A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's pants and find a cock there.

Men don't have to beg.

When standing during a blow job, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

Pigtails = handlebars.
 

Ships_Cat

War Hero
When she's been nice enough to suck it, what she really wants is you to hold her by the pony tail and 'shroom tat her on the cheek while she smiles throughout.

No matter how sweaty your bell end is from delivering pizzas/fixing plumbing/cleaning pools, she will whip it out and chow down without a moments hesitation to check for Camembert de cock.

As she lets you roar up the Khyber pass with gay abandon (sic), she will not mind if you switch back and forth, and will finish you off in her mouth.

Girls have no gag reflex.

Girls can smile to camera even with baby gravy on their eyelashes and teeth.

Women prefer their nipples to be treated like you are trying to torque load "Scammel wheel nuts" by fingertip. Pregnant women like to lactate over a man while he masturbates furiously.

If a girl you don't know at work discovers you masturbating in a store cupboard, she wont report you to HR/the police, she will join you and be wearing a short skirt and holdups, and no undies. She will also be really fit and not the old dear from accounting with the facial hair and hairy mole.

If you deliver something to a woman in a negligee and end up having sex with her on the kitchen table, her husband will arrive home, but instead of shooting you or stabbing her with a kitchen knife, he will wait/join in/make her suck it/hit it while she blows you, and on completion high five you (see above post)
 

sgtpepperband

War Hero
Book Reviewer
Karma: Who do you think are worse PERVayors of pornographic materials on board?! :? :oops:

"Give it to me, son"

"Why Joss?"

"'Cos if you don't you'll be in the shit..."

"Aye aye, Joss..."


:wink:
 
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