You know those ******* stupid little dangly signs saying 'Little Cherub Cuddly Cheeks On Board' and other such saccharin shit? They're bad enough to start with but what boils my piss is when they are dangling around in the car of some kamikaze suicide-bomber with the life intentions of an emo on National Self Harm Week - with no indicators ('Things I hate' passim). The sign should say - 'I can drive like a complete fucktard and intend taking as many of you with me when my time comes, but you must take special consideration that I have my vile snotty-nosed offspring in my suicide car so don't you dare drive within a hundred metres of me because if you do I will blame you for me killing my brat when my **** road-sense ends its life. You will also be expected to pay for the 'roadside tribute',
Crushers, naff all good at what they joined as so saw becoming and ********, sorry a regulator as the only means of promotion, apart from giving unwanted advice on what to wear and hair styling what use were they.
Apart from gristly sausages, I also hate the fact that I'm not allowed to watch Series 2 of*The Walking Dead* on my big f*ck off television because her indoors says it's "too violent and horrible". Instead, she flashes up *Virgin On-Demand* and watches back issues of "Embarrasing Bodies" - which usually entails having to observe some hairy-backed fat bloke getting a quarter-pound boil on the end of his knob lanced and drained.You just can't beat watching a litre of dark yellow pus, laced with the odd streak of blood spurting all over the place....it's either his knob and bollocks that get the cameras full attention, or they just shove a 3D Hi-Definition camera up his arse to try and find out why he hasn't had a shit in three months. Now a 72 inch Hi-Def telly gives one a fu**ing marvellous view, as the camera ploughs ever-on upwards through this pathetic individuals arse-tubes, pipes and valves, trying to sort out the problem and entertain the viewing public....that is until the doctor loses the picture because a solitary faeces-encrusted and undigested Heinz baked bean gets stuck on the camera lens,thus ruining any chances of a diagnosis live on air.Then, of course there's the minging bitch with a problem "down below". Up on the couch she goes, down go the nickers, open go the legs and in goes the doctor, to appear some seconds later with what looks like lukewarm wallpaper paste dripping off his Marigold gloves. "It's a yeast infection", says he.YEAST INFECTION ??!! F*ck me! There's enough jelly-like matter dribbling off the doctors couch and onto his hardwood floor to either (a) Hang half a dozen rolls of Anaglypta or(b) Get a few kilos of bread mix going. "Embarrassing Bodies" should really be entitled*Gopping knobs, balls, fudge tunnels and front bottoms", because that's all they're bloody interested in. "Hello Doc? Look - I've got this strange lump on my left elbow.....""Your left elbow eh? - you haven't got any blood filled warts on your ring-piece the size of a Dominoes Family Pizza then?" "I'm afraid not doctor...." "Well that's a shame because there's not much I can do for you.......a lumpy elbow looks pretty fu**ing boring in 3D and Hi-Definition.........NEXT!" And I've got to sit through this stuff with my tea on my lap, instead of watching some macho fu*ker blowing Zombies brains out of the back of their dead heads. Bollocks to it - I shall download Series 2 from a Torrent Site and watch the whole fu**ing lot at work.