Thicker than a whale omelette...


War Hero
Book Reviewer
Long First. Alongside FLJ. QM's caboosh in 1 Mike Crosspassage.

Boatswain's Mate was a young female AB who was not known for her intellect, but pleasant enough (she once picked up and answered the Main Broadcast microphone when the Gangway phone was ringing, informing the Ship's Company, "Good Evening, HMS *******. BM speaking." After 2230)

Anyway she offered to get the wets in. The Shipwright's Workshop was open and we were borrowing their tea boat area; I also knew that they had proffed a tin of Dairy Milk powder from Father Famine, so I decided to have a change and asked for a mug of hot chocolate.

Apparently not having used a kettle before - but not wanting to look like a div - she improvised a method, thusly:

- Pour about half a jar of hot chocolate powder in the kettle
- Fill the kettle with milk
- Turn on the kettle

It made a sort of fuzzley noise for a minute and started to spark and crackle, before emitting burnt chocolatey smoke.

In fairness, a few gangway-hanging regulars and I had watched her throughout the whole process, and could have corrected her, but we were too enthralled.

"Best get the Chippy a new kettle then, love..."



War Hero
Book Reviewer
Just remembered another one...

After a while the same girl (bless her!) lived RA, so would bring her lunch in to work with her every day; usually a sandwich, a yogurt and some fruit.

One week, she mentioned a few times that she'd purchased a particularly shit melon, which was tasteless and not very juicy.

On about the Thursday, she came in to work and told us she'd discovered why her melon wasn't very nice - it was in fact a pumpkin... :oops:
We had a fairly attractive wren who joined the ship, but within minutes we realised that she was an utter retard.

Some of her memorable quotes:

On looking at the Longcast - ''Oh look we are going to Malaysia, that's were Malaria comes from innit? I hope I don't catch it.''

On being stitched for Standing Sea Emergency Party - ''Does this mean we can't go ashore then?'' (The clue is in the second word of the title love.)

On seeing the skipper cross the gangway one day - ''How come we always pipe the XO onboard and not the Skipper?'' Turns out she had spent the past 6 months not knowing which was which.

My personal favourite moment was watching her try to unscrew a bollard with all her strength, after being told the ropes were stowed underneath them.
Got to be careful here as the chap in question reads the threads on here but is not yet a member.
He was working in the paint store at Cochrane and the painter told him to burn the paint kettles out with meths. Instead of a drop in them OUTSIDE, he puts a great dollop in but does it in the paint store and burnt it down.
He was one of the few blokes I ever met who was actually classed "Menace to Machinery"

The buffer is chocka't'fuck with him and sends him to work with the stoker in the gash incinerator.
When stokes tootles off for a stand easy he tells him there is a drum of diesel out back if the fire dies down.
Fire does, so on goes the diesel, the whole drum, and blew the back wall out of the incinerator.
Sorry Andy if you read this, best man at my wedding or not, your still a prize plonker. :D :roll: :wink:
There was an AB on the Dauntless, who was jobbed off by the buffer to paint the ships perry buoy for the gangway. Now this is all well and good but I know that the ANR has major issues with his spelling and general common sense (So much so he had to have a special crib made out for him when filling out the ships log to make sure his spelling was correct). Anyway back to the Dauntless and the buffer walks past the perry buoy on his way ashore and nearly has a heart attack when he looks at it and see HMS DANTLESS.
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