They'd get you hung

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by Rumrat, Feb 4, 2010.

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  1. Years ago my family attended a Medal awarding ceremony at Whale Island, and I was attending to receive the bar to my CSM. My daughter at the time was about 5. Another chap was there with his little boy and this little lad told my daughter that sailors got medals for killing people.
    A couple of weeks later I am in Birmingham city centre and talking to a copper. Bearing in mind my daughter was used to me going back off leave at night to arrive the next day. Uniform was compulsory for leave and draft, she announces to the copper "My daddy puts black clothes on, goes out at night and kills people. 8O :roll:

    What have yours said that you wanted to kill them for?
  2. "I'm telling"
  3. Slightly off topic but ....

    I was watching Horizon last night on the science of ageing and how it might be possible to hold back time.

    At the beginning, they asked a couple of children how old you have to be to be an old person and one little girl said:

    Oh..... you'd have to be 20 or mmm 30 ..........
  4. My little sister is only 8 years younger than me, but it used to look like there is a bigger age gap between us. So, I was about 17, and the Bratchild needed picked up from this Church where she had been singing with her school choir. I walked in when the whole thing had just finished, and was squeezing past a load of wee old women, when Bratchild saw me and ran at me, yelling "MUMMY!"

    Oh the looks I got...
  5. London. (Travelling back to digs from Whitehall)

    On a bus on the top deck going past HMP Brixton
    I think, and a tiny-tacker jumps up, points to the prison gates
    and starts yelling "My daddy's in there! My daddy's in there!"
    Mum was not too f***ing impressed and retorted in a serious
    tone to all passengers,
    "He's a prison warden".
    She then tried to explain this to her rug-rat.
    " He looks after all the other people..."
    The tacker looked at mummy with a somewhat quizzical
    expression before asking,
    "Well, is daddy looking after that policeman he stabbed
    as well mummy?"

    (Shot down in flames I think).
  6. I was on a bus with my lad when he was 6, and I was between marriages.
    Although in the Andrew I had a flat I bought for "Recreational activity" whilst on leave. My son stayed with me some weekends here and my leaves.
    So on the bus I am having a bit of fun with him and he shouted out oh yes oh yes. I told him to stop being silly so he replies "Do you tell Christine that when she shouts it in her sleep"?
    Quickly off bus. :oops: :oops: :roll:
  7. Back at home briefly while my nephew was very small, I offered to take him out in his pushchair. No-one had thought to tell me how his vocabulary had been expanding while I was away ....... and that his latest word was "bugger".

    I'm pushing him along the main road of this tiny village, when we are spotted by some charming elderly ladies out for tea. They came over and were saying "Oh he's so beautiful, isn't he gorgeous, and what is your name young man?" and that's when he said it:

  8. I already am.
  9. Very many many moons ago my little sister who is some 10 years younger than me was at her interview to go to the towns poshest girly fee paying school aged 4 and a bit. She was asked if she could count and proudly set off

    Ace, two, three etc ecte to Jack, Queen, King. Mum was even more mortified than she was the day she picked the soda syphon of the counter in the shop and gave the owner a very substantial shot of soda water in his face (short man, tall counter)
  10. FlagWagger

    FlagWagger Book Reviewer

    Back in November 2005 coming out to Canada was still only a possibility and we'd not brought the kids into the discussion until I received the provisional job offer that required a near binding commitment. At this point we gently explained to the kids what we were thinking about and swore them to secrecy since we wanted to pick the time and place to break the news to their grandparents. In early December 2005, my in-laws descend on us for a surprise visit; #1 son seeing their car on the driveway when he returned home from school, throws open the door and calls out at th e top of his voice: "Hi Granny & Grandad, has Mum told you the big secret yet?" After this, all we could do was bring them into the picture about our developing emigration plans - needless to say, with the prospect of their only two grandchildren moving to Canada both my parents and in-laws had a less than happy Christmas with Mrs FW and I receiving a number of thinly veiled comments condemning us for being child snatchers and unpatriotic.
  11. When my daughter was about 5, I was in a shop and she decides to throw a full scale tantrum and flop to the floor whilst I holding her hand, resulting in a wrenched shoulder and a trip to Haslar to get her checked out
    When the 2ringer duty A&E doc asked what happened, she pipes up 'daddy pulled my arm off :oops: ' then just to pile it on after the doc said she was ok she points to the pussers cubicle curtains and says 'they're just like our ones at home' Doc pissing himself and asking which patch we lived on
    In a car with her grandad, he got cut up and she says:
    'why didn't you call her a stupid blind cow Grandad, my dad would've'

    Just a couple of examples from many embarrassing moments but now she's 16 I get my own back by reminding her in front of her college mates
  12. Taking smally grand-daughter round Sainsburys so she can
    spend some of her Christmas money, I was wondering why
    she shoved a finger in each side of her mouth and pulled
    her gob open. This turned out to be a trick her cousin had
    taught her.....she dashes rouond the shop screaming "Banker!"
    at all and sundry........however - with little'uns mouth a bit
    distorted - it sounds like "wanker". Oh the looks on shoppers
    faces as shes stood beside them, angelic face all wrenched
    asunder, yelling "wanker!, wanker!, wanker!" at the top of her
    5 year old voice.
  13. I went out with the Mrs and my lad shopping and whilst she was trying
    on the usual dresses ect. She asked the question does my bum look
    big in this well of course I said no but muttered under my breath the
    last time i saw an arse like that it was on a battleship.
    Saturday night I dressed up the mrs comes down and that sod pipes up
    look dad its the dress the makes mums arse look like battleship.
    Well she would not speak to me and that little sod was sat there smiling
    taught me never to mutter
  14. Going on holiday to Cornwall when I was 6, going over Dartmoor when on the radio they anounce that *****had escaped form the prison there. Dad an exprison warder who had looked after him at another establishment says "O wouldnt it be fun if I met up with him again"

    "Why do you know him" says I.

    "Lets say hes an old friend of mine"

    The following morning at breakfast in the B&B another guest reading the paper said " Isnt it terrible they still havent caught ***** yet"

    Me, big loud voice"Hes a friend of my dadies"

    Dad trying to hide behind the paper and disapear. :oops:
  15. Well, not my kids but some I collected also said a few iffy things to the Police.

    We'll leave it at that until proceedings are finalised.
  16. This could not have been in the early sixties could it Tops?
  17. A friend of mine recounted that his young daughter (4 or 5 years old) like to bounce up and down on Mommy and Daddy's bed, but usually got over excited and wet her knickers. Mommy not being too impressed at this tells said little girl to "be more careful".
    Daddy comes home one night and says to daughter "Do you want to bounce on the bed with Daddy?" To which daughter replies "I need to take my knickers off first". Cue many red faces.........
  18. Yes :oops:
  19. A shipmate was in Plymouth City Centre waiting at a bus stop with his 4 year old daughter.

    She spotted a black guy waiting at the same bus stop and immediately started jumping up and down, pointing at him and shouting "Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!"

    Cue absolute mortification on my mate's part, a look of supressed fury on the victim's face and an expression of benign innocence on the four year old.
  20. And if it was one of the great train people then you and me need to talk. :wink: 8O

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