The Wrong Thread

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by thingy, Mar 15, 2009.

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  1. It was a dark and lonely night when Sailbad the Sinner returned from Battersea Dogs Home with his adopted mutt: Gromit. Gromit had been widowed from his civil partner, Wallace, after a night guzzling Wensleydale cheese and Jacobs crackers. Wallace has choked to death on a small shaun sheep that had been hiding in a large lump of cheese.

    Sailbad open his front hatch and showed Gromit his quarters, a small cramped messdeck full of sailors: snoring, farting, lubricating their special sock, reading Playgirl, surfing the web for porn and eating baby sick straight from the jar. There was a bunk with a blue bone patterned duvet on it waiting for it's new occupant. Sgtpepperband.....
  2. You mean .....they found RR?
  3. Sarge apprehended the matelot who has been drinking Brasso and slung him in the wrong compartment and was met with howls of derision and fury as the Wafoos were forced to share their only remaining deckchair with a grubby deckhand.

    He doesn't belong in here! They shreaked, all to no avail, for 4to8 has already occupied the wheel-deckchair and was sipping the glass on ice cold Pimms that someone had kindly left for him... or someone.

    Gromit watched all this mayhem with despair in his weary eyes. Bloody matelots! He thought. Couldn't organise a piss up for a brewery!
  4. sgtpepperband

    sgtpepperband War Hero Moderator Book Reviewer

    I'd love to join in but... I've got more important things to occupy my time!

  5. Said Sarge as he fought to get the cellophane off the ship's library's only copy of Fiesta, an historic magazine aimed at unhinged batchelors, full bloodied heterosexual males and boys who thought they were men. As Sarge was the only straight bloke on board it was all his, or so he thought. The cellophane was proving tougher to remove than he'd imagined when he realised someone has played a practical joke on him and his wrists were handcuffed to a barrack stanction called Nails. A whitemouse scurried past with a mini Mars bar between its teeth and Det Insp Nutty of The Yard looked disapprovingly on.

    I think that's mine, he said.
  6. "Don't feed the Troll." shouted the Sarge, but it was too late he'd already attained the girth of a small Humpbacked Whale, on his diet of champagne and saveloys dipped in Cod's roe and would therefore be able to exist for months on his bloated frame alone.

    "Damn his eyes." burbled NZB "I'll follow him around the Horn and around the Norway maelstrom and around perditions flames before......" (Ahab quote continues on page 304)!!
  7. Sinbad the Whale of a Sailor ignored the slights, accomodated the compliments on his seamanship (unsurpassed since the days of Nelson) and carried Gromit to his bunk, which he would be sharing with the ship's librarian, NZB, who was also, in his spare-time, a Royal. Royal was lying on his tummy reading LIANZA's exceptionally exciting* Copyright Act Guidelines to see if his autobiography, Memoirs of a Bootneck, peppered with quotations from other sources, complied with NZ copyright law. As he snored, still on only page 3 (the Preface) he felt a warm lump clamber on top of him. Gromit curled up by his booted feet (Royals never remove their boots: always ready for action) and looked at Nails and said:

    Nails, what the fcuk are you doing mate?

    Nails looked up, startled that the dog could talk after all, and stuttered.......
  8. do you write as well? You could do all my posting on RR and get the spellings right so people wont fink Im a complete tosser.

    Gromit laughed'Everyone all ready knows that anyway'

    Nails turned away and started to lick his balls,he'd learnt that after watching Gromit and couldnt kick the habit now.

    I'm not a tosser he lisped,just mis understood or so my shrink says.

    Gromit slowly rolled a fag and poured himself a beer having used his teeth as a bottle opener.

    Nails did the same but broke 4 teeth in the process and burst into tears.

    Gromit walked to Nails,cocked his leg and pissed on his boots,'Tosser' he said then slowly walked out of the mess......

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