The wonderful world of alcohol.

Discussion in 'Diamond Lil's' started by BillyNoMates, Nov 17, 2010.

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  1. The RR Cocktail Lounge coffee table book 2010
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    Just finished reading an illustrated book on the noble art of cocktail making, and it seems to me that there's not many new ones being invented these days. What with Christmas fast approaching - it seems like the perfect excuse to get all the spirits, mixers, bottles, jugs and mysterious left-over liquids out of the cupboards with a view to creating that one special wet for the Festive Season. There are (presumably) a lot of alcohol experts on this site who can black-cat anything those nancy-boy West-end cocktail shaking shirt- lifters can come up with.....so I would like a *Cocktail List* produced before Christmas, and then we can all try each others creations and give 'em a mark out of ten - assuming we don't go blind or suffer total internal organ failure that is.............

    (1). Give it a name
    (2). List its ingredients (nothing lethal, but anything else you fancy)
    (3). Describe its effects,, smell and taste in the same style as those
    "Wine experts" do.

    If we get enough input, perhaps we can get Waterstones to publish the
    f***ing thing.

    * * * * * *

    *The HOOLIE WALLBANGER* (A Scottish speciality)

    Ingredients:-

    Several pints of "Heavy"
    Double Pernods x 6
    The contents of an ashtray or two
    Walkers crisps (any flavour)
    1 tin of *Iron Brew*
    Various shots of Vodka, Bacardi, Woods, Jack Daniels and Babycham
    1 small bag of chips (deep fried haggis optional)
    Liquid residue "mine-swept" from nearby tables
    Ice cubes, tea bags and Pork Scratchings

    Method: Remove steaming boots that you've been wearing for the last 12 weeks and tip all the ingredients into their interior. Add fag-ends, crisps, chips and other edible party snacks last before stirring it all together with your fingers that have either:
    (a) been down the front of your nozz eight trousers fondling your genitalia or
    (b) in your ears/nostrils giving them a bit of a skirmish.
    Take off your socks and plunge them into the boots, allowing them to soak up some of the mixture. Wring socks out into some half pint tumblers and top up with whatevers left in the boots. You and your friends should now down it in one gulp. Anyone who experiences projectile vomiting must pay for the round. Repeat as necessary, altering the ingredients as required.
    The *Hoolie* is believed to have its origins on the outskirts of Helensburgh, Scotland and as yet, has not caught on in the trendy Cocktail Bars in Covent Garden or other areas with nice post codes. With a flavour thats a cross between real ale, wallpaper paste and raw road kill, and an aroma that was once described as "similar to the stench that eminates from the panties of a Mogadishu prostitute" - the *Hoolie* is something of an acquired taste. This delightful cocktail can be thickened into a glutinous paste by the simple addition of half a bottle of Advocaat and it can then be eaten, using a small spoon. A great addition to anyones party drinks list - it will soon be available in Tetra-Packs from branches of Marks and Spencers food halls across the UK.

    * * * * * *

    *The Spaff Gargle* (An excellent party trick)
    -----------------

    Ingredients:

    Equal measures of UHT milk, Greek yoghurt, melted Milky Bar white chocolate, Milk of Magnesia, clotted cream, Baileys, sea salt, Schnapps, Dr Pepper, one slice of processed cheese and half a pint of 100% proof Polish spirit.

    Method: Place cocktail glass in freezer for an hour, before dipping its rim into the sea salt. Decorate rim with additional left over sweet and sour king prawn balls. Place the rest of the cocktail ingredients in a blender and mash them into an oozing off-white mess before pouring into the glasses over crushed ice.

    Let your wife/girlfriend/significant other/boyfriend drink themselves into an alcoholic coma on any other alcohol they fancy. When they lapse into unconsciousness on the sofa/bed, retrieve the Spaff Gargle from the kitchen and pour it all over their face. They will be gargling, spitting and gagging as this heady mixture trickles down their throats and drips off their chins.

    Upload the resulting hilarious video clip to Red Tube at the earliest opportunity.

    Makes a porn DVD money-shot look positively second rate.

    * * * * * *
     
  2. here's an old one...........its called a 'death wet'

    a little bit of everything in a pint glass.

    not particularly adventurous but one that we all know how to do regardless of ingredients....

    hope this helps but i doubt it.
     
  3. A good few years ago, a diver mate and I invemted the painbrother x. We were, after all, painbrothers having decided no run ashore was complete without hurting each other in the most imaginitive ways possible. (God love you kev p, wherever you may be you ludicrous south african tart).

    This involved.

    Two shots sambuca
    Two shots schnapps
    Two shots vodka
    Two shots white rum
    Two shots tequila
    Half a pint of stella
    A paper umbrella, sugar round the pint glass rim and an olive.

    Two of those and a porcelain ashtray to the napper whilst facing away from one another seemed somewhat tame.

    That said, nothing will ever compare to the first drink of my leaving run, hms somerset, malta 2001 (or 2002 ish, I can't remember). Half a pint of baileys and half a pint of aftershock. That curdled green snotty, jizzy mess will stay with me for ever. Simple yet both daunting and truly horrendous. If you can keep that down you deserve a vc. I didn't.
     
  4. I've always enjoyed a Calais Calypso, perfect for supping on the upper scupper when you go on cross channel ferry adventures.

    Ingredients:

    As many 12 packs of Kronenbourg as you can carry. (If Kronenbourg is unavailable, substitute with other dog piss French lager)
    Cheese.
    1 baguette.
    Something garlicky.

    Method:

    This cocktail takes lots of preparation but I believe the results are well worth the time and effort you put in. As a result the Calais Calypso is one of the most satisfying cocktails one could hope for.

    Start the day with a disgustingly greasy fry up in the trucker's cafe onboard your P&O vessel. I recommend queuing up with the fat lorry drivers as they get a hefty discount. Once your ferry docks in Calais, head to the nearest Hyper Marche and purchase the ingredients required. If you can enjoy this cocktail with a friend, all the better, the Calais Calypso is a very sociable beverage.

    Drink as much of the lager as possible as you walk around the Hyper Marche, at some point you will begin to start shouting loudly at the locals, you may feel the urge to sing 'two World Wars and one World Cup' at this point. Once you reach this stage it is important to add the extra ingredients, you will feel hunger, since you are in France you should purchase some cheese and a baguette. Eat them.

    Continue drinking the rest of the lager until it is time to board your ferry and go home. Once you feel the movement of the ferry the ingredients will naturally mix together, help this natural process by lubricating liberally with more duty free alcohol.

    About half way across the Channel the cocktail will be almost ready for consumption. Head to the upper deck to enjoy it properly with the sea air in your lungs and sound of seagulls in the air. At this point it is very important to ensure you are facing the wind, this way when you 'decant' the cocktail you will not lose any over the side. Eventually the cocktail will naturally come up, if you have prepared things correctly, the wind will catch it and blow it back into your face and onto your clothes.

    Enjoy picking out the soggy bits of cheesy baguette garnish while you lick the frothy goodness from your shirt.

    Fcuking magic.
     
  5. An honorable mention must also go to "the joy from within".

    Invented by alfa charlie and I, this simply involved regurgitating a double sambuca for the other to enjoy. This only counts under the following conditions:

    1. Said drink must be consumed in joannas pompey, chic rock yeovil or emmas gosport.

    2. You must also regurgitate small quantities of previous random drinks to provide a colourful, chunky and interesting head.

    3. You cannot chunder it, it is already chunder.

    4. Some of the previously mentioned frothy, nutritious and decorative head must be left on your top lip and you must then kiss a third party.

    Good, good times.
     
  6. The Gay Santa

    2 clementines wedges, squeezed

    2 shots vanilla vodka

    1 shot apple sour

    2 shots cointreau

    40ml pressed apple juice

    2 tsp cranberry jelly

    Shake with ice in a shaker and strain into a margarita glass
     
  7. Ah, a lovely tipple. I'm positive I'd seen this on 'Something For The Weekend', being made by that fat cnut cocktail maker.

    Anyhow, if your feeling festive, it can always be mixed with urine if your being a bit of a fag that day!!

    Good, good, good times indeed.
     
  8. Don't forget to wipe round the rim of the glass with a messy-wiped button and dip it in sugar. Makes it look posh-like.
     
  9. Sounds a treat!!
     

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