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The Tamworth cowboys

Rumrat

War Hero
So walking is good for you says the doc, try and walk for at least 30 minutes a day 5 days a week. Walk at a steady pace that is stringent but within your comfort zone.
I can do that, and we have hills and forests on tap, great.
So me my mate and my 4 year old niece set off for a ramble up them there hills.
Look uncle Steve a bull says the little un.
It's a cow Livvy, bulls have horns and, well never mind what else they have.
That is a very nice cow uncle Steve and it's borrowed some horns.
It fuckin had as well, and it must have had a fuckin horrible Christmas as it did not look happy at all.
Hay ya cried Ted, ya ya ya, move em out.
Mooooooo, said the cross dressing cow and stamped its foot.
Fuckin hell said cowardly uncle Steve, who much prefers beef to be dead and with mustard.
Mooooooo, said the source of my bowl movement, in a guttural sort of way.
Get back over the fence Livvy says uncle Steve.
OK says Livvy and walks back and complies.
I think it is going to charge says uncle Steve.
How much says comical Ted as the fuckin thing decides it is getting us out the field.
Shit says uncle Steve and runs.
Shit says Ted and don't run fast enough.
The bastard comes running over and licks him.
Yes I did say lick, and three fuckin pikey country bumpkins stood pissing themselves as uncle Steve carrying Livvy high tailed it out of town followed by two gun Ted.
When we arrived home the War Office asks, "did you enjoy your walk love"?
We had a run says Livvy, and so did the cow uncle Steve says we took it for a walk.
There are some very exciting cycle paths out there waiting to be explored.
 

Sharkey

Banned
Got a job on a farm once, pulled into the yard, there was a large pen made from scaffolding poles with concrete posts, at the back of the pen was a barn, I park up next to the pen and am getting my kit out the van, I get the feeling I’m being watched, I look round and stood behind me about two feet away (in the pen) is the biggest blackest bull I’ve ever seen, its staring at me with what looks like an “I’d like to kill you” expression on its ugly face, then it puts is shoulder against the bars and leans forward, the bars bent like they was made of toffee, then it looks at me again as if to say, “and I could if I wanted to” then ambles off back into the barn, that was when I became aware of a warm dampness round my groin. I had many a laugh on farms with, dogs, mad farmers even madder animals, cow shit and on and on and on.................
 

Rumrat

War Hero
Fuckin creatures in fields are a bastard nuisance, they should keep em in barns or sheds, you walk across a field and either get chased or tread in some kind of shit. The dirty foul bowl bastards dont even know how to use a toilet.
There fuckin animals I tell you.
 

Rumrat

War Hero
Cranberry Sauce into Turkeys and feed 'em stuffing! Save a fortune at Xmas!

Well you see I don't like jam on poultry, but be assured I do like stuffin anything I allow to gobble me.
Stand fast Wrecker, he's just the plantation white trash and easy.
 

MG Maniac

War Hero


Or as most farmers say round here ... Git orf my Laaaaannd!
 

WreckerL

War Hero
Super Moderator
Well you see I don't like jam on poultry, but be assured I do like stuffin anything I allow to gobble me.
Stand fast Wrecker, he's just the plantation white trash and easy.

You've got more chance of getting ricketts then getting anywhere near me, I'd hear your colostomy bag sloshing around long before you sighted me anyway.
 

Rumrat

War Hero
You've got more chance of getting ricketts then getting anywhere near me, I'd hear your colostomy bag sloshing around long before you sighted me anyway.

A colostomy bag is for feces usually.
micturition bag is for ambulant People.
Ambulant meaning those able to get around as opposed to in-ambulant meaning not able.
Both derivatives from ambulance. Got that wrecks?
Now rejoin your part of ship.
I been trying to educate Angry doc but he gets annoyed and shouts at me.
He's still training but doesn't kill many nowadays

Forgot to ask, hows them warts now,does it still hurt when you wipe?
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
Stolen from the Wreckers secret on-line image backup facility.

The last time the Wrecker went for a country ramble.



(When I have a dump "al fresco" I usually use a handful of grass or some leaves)
 

Rumrat

War Hero
You can't beat a licker round your ricker.

I went to a fuckin grammar school for fuck sake and this is where I end up surrounded by this.
I should have chose a different country fuckin Angola Somali somewhere with culture.
 

BillyNoMates

War Hero
There's culture in Tamworth you know. Take this for instance.
Tamworths very own Chuck Norris impersonator, Stu Pidkunt
(24) who wll be on the next series of "Britains got Talent"
Recently picked as the new face of Kalvin Klein underpants
and harder than Jason Stathams nut-sack.

 

Sharkey

Banned
Tamworth was just on the box, that program with the Spanish bloke on a train, anyroad it looked like a one horse town without the horse, he said Tamworth couldnt find another town to twin with, the only offer they got was a suicide pact with Totnes
 

Rumrat

War Hero
Tamworth was just on the box, that program with the Spanish bloke on a train, anyroad it looked like a one horse town without the horse, he said Tamworth couldnt find another town to twin with, the only offer they got was a suicide pact with Totnes

It's true, and as an Australian don't think I haven't noticed the eccentricities of you English.
Dancing hey noddy noddy noddy, running around with boiled eggs on spoons and tossing your food in the air every shrove Tuesday.
You throw perfectly good cheese off fuckin cliffs and then having decided it was stupid you chase the fucker.
Poms sure are weird folk, but hey with Billy and Sharkey on board what could possibly go wrong.
 
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